Delusional Positivity

She is a registered therapist on you-tube. I disagree with almost everything she says. She makes me feel much worse. All her advice is based on a delusional fantasy. I dont trust myself. I have failed over and over again for over 40 years, I have not overcome challenging things so I still dont trust myself. The chances are you have overcome things? You are dealing with people suffering chronic anxiety and depression and just assume they have overcome massive challenges so suddenly have confidence. This is shit therapy to me and doesn’t help at all. Its like asking a wimpy man to imagine he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

All I want you to do is next time is answer the what if question. Well Kristina usually when I fail and humiliate myself I get pissed drunk and punch myself in the head, take sleeping tablets and want to commit suicide. The worst thing that could happen is I will be sleeping on the streets if I dont get a job so no dont take comfort. You are guessing that I have dealt with failure. No kidding I am long time unemployed 45+ virgin who never speaks to another person for days or weeks! So you guessing that I have figured out how to handle failure, I have handled it by complete avoidance.I dont know how to move forward, I dont know how to move on I dont know what to do so I have no confidence. I have not moved forward so I have absolutely no trust in myself whatsoever. Yet she has 199 thumbs up and only 3 thumbs down including me now so I guess people love to hear this motivational stuff or in reality virtually non of them are suicidal or over the age of 40 after life long failure.

This is why I struggle looking for help online or dealing with people offering help and then getting angry when I am still negative or dare to answer back. Its because to me its all completely shit advice and not in any way relating to my life whatsoever or my experiences. Again believing in God or delusional positivity, what’s the F**king difference?

Black Friday in Nottingham

On Friday I decided to force myself out of winter hibernation mode and venture to the Christmas Market in the next city of Nottingham. We dont have one here for some reason.  Even this requires catching a train so increases my anxiety as they are often late or full to capacity on the way back and I dont like mixing with lots of those pesky normal people.Of course being weird and a bit mental I spent some time at the cemetery first, its better than mixing with the crowds in town and somewhat less stressful.Look, angels!

I wonder if spirits of the long dead still lurk on Earth or if its all just mental illness. The sun was already a bit low so I may go back again in summer. I think this was the last tree in the entire cemetery with any leaves left on it and I liked how it was lit up.

Nottingham city centre. they had some nice huts although most of the goods looked exactly the same as in every market I have been to in the last 5 years. I think they just mass produce everything abroad nowadays.

I nearly got some fudge but it would not go well with my five a day health program. Its also surprisingly expensive for the small amount they give you. I would want at least a bucket to last me over Christmas.

Social Anxiety on This Morning

Interesting video. A  woman who has had social anxiety appearing on This morning with Phil and Holly. Its nice to know that some people can recover although she is still quite young looking. She comes across very well on live TV.Many people at work thought I was a freak too, especially the girls.  I think this was because the majority of girls expected the man to always talk first and make jokes so any quiet guy was considered weird and strange and mental as one called me. \perhaps its evolution rather than culture.I still find it hard to except being so disliked for something I had no control over. Lucky her GP was quite understanding, many people on the SA forums have terrible doctors by all accounts and terrible therapists too.  I wonder if they would be so understanding of me as a 40+  male virgin. “But I cant believe you haven’t even been on a date at your age?” I think some people assume that every straight man has this uncontrollable urge to chase females and chat them up. I had an uncontrollable urge to run. I dont think for one moment that facing my fears by forcing myself to talk to girls would have helped at that age as my shyness was absolutely debilitating and people were NEVER understanding.

Washing of the Water

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away

31005434341_fceab91269_b

I have realised that the only way I am coping is by avoidance. I had kept busy for the last two weeks and had a set routine. After a bad Thursday I had another long walk yesterday and felt much better in the evening but today I am feeling quite stressed and anxious again. The problem is every time I look online at help and  therapy for social anxiety I dont just get depressed but totally stressed out and hopeless. I could not sleep for hours again and felt shit the next day  The CBT exposure therapy which is so popular for SA looks like a pile of shit to me. By that I mean I am simply not doing what they tell you to do so there is absolutely no point going. One guy on youtube was told to do three separate things a day for a week. These include asking strangers the time, going to bars and cafes alone and even knocking cutlery in the floor on purpose to be the centre of attention. These sound like the very first things in an ever increasing scale. I am not even interested. Many other situations include smiling, being polite, being friendly and even optimistic when I am very depressed and have no motivation whatsoever. I have just been into town and even that has made me feel highly agitated.

So the next step is to look for help with depression. However I think much of this involves making out you are massively overreacting and as I have said countless times already I am going to become homeless if I dont get a job so its not overreacting at all. I am not entitled to any benefits as I have not paid NI contributions for many years so have no help in that regards so it really is as bad as it looks and of course I cant do physical work as my legs ache too much and I might need a hip operation. I am going to try and take it steady until Christmas but in the new year I have to start putting some plans together, not to recover and live but to die.

Peace on Earth

So Donald Trump has won. Never mind, look at the pretty robin before he cancels all climate change deals, Russia invades eastern Europe and its the end of the world.

30213205024_9353604b57_z

True Colours

And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small.

I had quite a good day and went back to the cemetery again as the sun came out for a while. I tried to be more mindful and not dwell on the negative aspects of life and quite enjoyed walking around an almost deserted cemetery for a couple of hours. Controlling my moods must be possible and yet after so many years I still have so many times when I go haywire and anxiety tales control. Peaceful days are still quite rare.

30163137923_0d830d88ab_b

30761821246_2c483bed5b_b

30684082492_3e273e2d15_b

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

I am wondering if its a good idea to buy 192 sleeping tablets in one go off of Amazon . If I get a bad day the temptation is there to take the lot with alcohol and hope I dont wake up again.Just one usually knocks me out so badly that I have trouble getting up. I was supposed to go out today as it was sunny but I seem to ache more after having had one and my anxiety is worse so I dither and procrastinate and usually struggle to leave the house. However not talking any results in me waking up in the night and not going back to sleep again and I still feel shit the next day. No advice for insomnia works as it completely ignores your house,circumstances and living arrangements. If I could buy a detached house in a quiet peaceful area I would never get insomnia again(probably).

Its a Wonderful Life?

Look at me here, here on my own again, up straight in the sunshine
No need to run and hide, it’s a wonderful, wonderful life

I am trying to go out more in the day, at least when its sunny. It helps in the short term at least to stop suicidal thoughts although has no effect whatsoever on my long term anxiety or behaviour as I’ve been doing it for over 10 years now. In fact some walks actually make me feel much worse if there are a lot of people around and I almost feel trapped. I very rarely feel peace of mind or relaxed when walking.Sometimes my paranoia still gets the better of me and I think people are ridiculing me. I also have to stop the habit of  talking to myself. Yes, I am still quite mad. I thought walking was supposed to help depression but its like eating when you are hungry but eventually you always feel hungry again.

30625222732_3f3f8d3c06_b

30653689081_7ae7a3a0e5_c30106319803_e77cd32d3a_b

All Hallows Eve

Yesterday as it was Halloween I decided to visit the cemetery to cheer myself up! The beauty of autumn mixed with the melancholy of the graves to those now gone and the certain knowledge that it will come to all of us one day.

30062655583_254032409c_b

30064811014_f9a249e644_c

30710547805_35ac1c478c_b

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑