River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away
I have realised that the only way I am coping is by avoidance. I had kept busy for the last two weeks and had a set routine. After a bad Thursday I had another long walk yesterday and felt much better in the evening but today I am feeling quite stressed and anxious again. The problem is every time I look online at help and therapy for social anxiety I dont just get depressed but totally stressed out and hopeless. I could not sleep for hours again and felt shit the next day The CBT exposure therapy which is so popular for SA looks like a pile of shit to me. By that I mean I am simply not doing what they tell you to do so there is absolutely no point going. One guy on youtube was told to do three separate things a day for a week. These include asking strangers the time, going to bars and cafes alone and even knocking cutlery in the floor on purpose to be the centre of attention. These sound like the very first things in an ever increasing scale. I am not even interested. Many other situations include smiling, being polite, being friendly and even optimistic when I am very depressed and have no motivation whatsoever. I have just been into town and even that has made me feel highly agitated.
So the next step is to look for help with depression. However I think much of this involves making out you are massively overreacting and as I have said countless times already I am going to become homeless if I dont get a job so its not overreacting at all. I am not entitled to any benefits as I have not paid NI contributions for many years so have no help in that regards so it really is as bad as it looks and of course I cant do physical work as my legs ache too much and I might need a hip operation. I am going to try and take it steady until Christmas but in the new year I have to start putting some plans together, not to recover and live but to die.