O Come All Ye Faithful

I managed to force myself to go to Lincoln Cathedral yesterday despite the two hour train journey. Its the first place I experienced some kind of spiritual feeling over 20 years ago so it felt appropriate I returned one last time. I sat in a private chapel and prayed to God to help me to get over this or to please kill me as quickly as possible. I wiped my tears in the form of  cross on the wooden furniture, lit a candle and left.

Lincoln cathedral is truly one of the great buildings of England if not the earth. The three towers once had spires making it the tallest building on the planet for 249 years. Nearly one thousand years old its incredible to imagine the number of people who have entered here and the events on earth that have taken place during this time.



Here come The Hills of Time.

From Psychology Today;

The good news is that shy people eventually achieve everything that everyone else does — they date, marry, have children. The bad news is, it takes them a little longer.

No they dont, some do, even the majority but many of them live incredibly sad lonely lives full of pain,shame, embarrassment and many never recover and even commit suicide. They probably have not taken part in your survey or are dead already.Even CBT only works for 75% of people with social anxiety so for a quarter they are still in the same boat. What they ignore yet again is that humans as in all animals obey the laws of evolution and an older long term unemployed virgin is much more likely to be rejected by other normal people and by employers even if they were totally cured of shyness overnight so it would still be much harder to achieve any level of success than an average person and with less time to do it in. Continuous rejection and failure creates more negativity and avoidance so of course you go into all situations negatively. Just being told to be positive and humourous does not work. It also totally ignores all physical manifestation of shyness like blushing and stuttering which people do notice and often speak about.

Stop turning down party invitations and start inviting people to visit you at home. Plan outings with close friends or acquaintances you’d like to know better.

Don’t be ridiculous.very shy people are never invited to parties no one likes them. I was seen as a freak by many people at work. I dont think this is over reacting in the slightest. People hate weirdos,especially women. All females have a creepy weirdo alert button in their brain. Unfortunately very shy men fall into the same category as the pervert and the mass murderer. Hence men with great conversational skills put women at ease and make them feel better so they are much more likely to go out with them.Its also why men evolved to chase women and chat them up, to gain their trust. Women generally dont do this or if they make the first move its saying hello and then waiting for the man to chat them up and ask them out. I was therefore never even invited to any party in 20 years of work and if I had of gone I would have stood around in a corner looking awkward, probably blushing and people would have took the piss out me making my anxiety even worse and ensuring I became more avoidant. You feel hated because everyone ignores you. When I have occasionally felt brave and initiated things I was rejected as I was at work and still am on the social anxiety forum. That’s because as someone with severe anxiety and no witty banter I am already classified as a loser and rejected. In fact most women reject any man who is unemployed and put them in the same bracket as ex cons so bollocks to people saying that women are not  as judgemental as men. Of course they are,just in different ways. The advice as usual is so far from reality as to assume the clever scientists have never studied shyness or social anxiety at all. If you did go to a party you are expected to make an effort, speak in the right voice, say the right things and people rebuke you for being awkward and then ignore you. You then dont invited again to any party.

85%( of shy people questioned) are willing to work seriously at overcoming shyness.

You see I am not at all any more which is why I pretty much know that CBT is pointless. Maybe I am too old but I have no intentions of doing embarrassing social things in order to gain exposure in the vague hope of recovery. Hard work my arse, its just more humiliation and embarrassment. They may as well tell me to run round the streets naked and then tar and feather me as ask me to do CBT.Then they can just blame me for not doing things and their therapy remains blameless. As soon as I discovered how awful CBT really therapy is I pretty much knew that there was absolutely no help.  I think that’s why my mood has dropped dramatically in the last few weeks. All escape routes have been cut off. I see no hope any more and no one has given me any. Except religion, no wonder I spoke with the Jehovah witnesses so long on Friday. I will try and go to the cathedral this week and pray for an end of this in whatever way is possible.

Come and behold him,

Born the King of angels;

O come, let us adore him,

O come, let us adore him,

O Come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.



Friday round up

I was going to try and make one last outing before Christmas but as usual the British weather which was cloudy last Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday and today with rain tomorrow and cloudy every day next week has buggered me again. I wonder if having photography as a hobby is a good idea in England as if I only go out on sunny days then I could become housebound even madder than I am already.

I did manage to go to a local Christmas market last Saturday which also had a Christmas tree festival in the church but I had hoped to visit Lincoln or York as the great cathedrals are some of my favourite places at this time of year.

Unfortunately the week has been a bad one for feeling low and waves of depression and hopelessness has descended on me each day, usually all morning and I only feel a little better towards evening time. I took a sleeping tablet for the first time in weeks last night and although it worked it also left me feeling quite dead today. The biggest problem is looking at anxiety forums or online  for help which always makes me feel more hopeless as the help looks to be somewhere between appalling and non existent, especially for many people who visit their GP.

This often makes me turn once again to religion as my only comfort, well apart from alcohol. Perhaps God is trying to hep me though Jehovah’s witnesses as they seem to keep handing me leaflets. Two of them even knocked on my door this afternoon and handed me a leaflet. Will suffering ever end? Not while humans exist I imagine.  I talked with one of them for a while and she seemed a nice person but I doubt she could convert me as she believed in Noah’s ark, in fact everything in the old testament. She said that Noah had told them for years to repent but they did not take his warning so he drowned them and every living creature on earth apart from those in the ark. Sounds like a cruel, vindictive god to me. Perhaps he is simply a human and we are all in his virtual reality game. There’s actually a theory about that on you tube.

A Day Out(part 2)

Some pictures from my recent day trip. This is Edensor(pronounced Enzer) in Derbyshire. It always fascinates me that JFK visited the graveyard only months before his assassination in 1963 as his sister is buried here. Now its so quiet and sleepy with just some sheep grazing in it.

Over the hill is Chatsworth house, probably the finest stately home in England.

I quite like this pheasant on a wall. It was a long way away and I only have a 200mm lens so was lucky it turned out OK. if you disturb one they make a loud clucking/shrieking call.

The Xmas market out side the old stables. The stable here are as big as most stately homes! It is now almost entirely converted in shops and restaurants.

A day out

I am trying to go out at least once a week. On Monday I went to a large stately home in Derbyshire as they have a Christmas market. As it takes two trains and a bus to get here my anxiety was high and as a crazy person I had the times of every train and bus for 2 hours either way written on a piece of paper, just in case. Once when I just left without any checking as I thought it would stop me getting so anxious I got on the wrong bus and ended up somewhere else entirely!

The thing is this is not new, I have been here 15 times before and also to every town nearby many times. It shows how my anxiety had gotten so much worse in the last 5 years that I had only been on major day trips about twice a year whereas it used to be 2-3 times per month.I have never gotten used to it due to doing it more. I also dont speak to people when I am out so my anxiety never has gotten better.Sometimes I ask the bus driver a question or some people might ask me for directions but this idea that a socially anxious nut case goes out regularly and before you know it they are chatting to people left right and centre is utter crap.

Its like the utter shit advice you hear in other places. Like walking a dog is a good place to make friends and even meet women. I walked my family dogs from age 15-32 and probably only spoke to about 2 people a year. I dont even remember seeing any attractive girls and of course the idea that I would make friends with them or even fall in love is plainly ridiculous as it would have meant me chatting them up as I have never ever come across any female ever who chatted me up. Mind you according to social anxiety forums women are just as likely to make the first move. More delusional fantasy?

Some more advice I have been given for work was to hang around yes hang around companies I am interested in working for and somehow making myself known to them. WTF did this even mean? Hang around the entrance and chat up the receptionists? Volunteer to get the tea or clean the toilets. Obviously I would need to have no social anxiety even if such a thing was possible. Its similar to someone on a self help website for anxiety saying to go and sit in the bar and before you know it you would be chatting to the bar man and making friends whereas in reality I would be the weird quiet man sitting alone who everyone made fun of. That is exactly what I am afraid would happen if I forced myself to go and sit in a cafe alone every week. Of course the reaction to this is I am just making excuses and then when it happens as I describe you are told to just keep doing it and assume it gets better.It doesn’t.