A day out

I am trying to go out at least once a week. On Monday I went to a large stately home in Derbyshire as they have a Christmas market. As it takes two trains and a bus to get here my anxiety was high and as a crazy person I had the times of every train and bus for 2 hours either way written on a piece of paper, just in case. Once when I just left without any checking as I thought it would stop me getting so anxious I got on the wrong bus and ended up somewhere else entirely!

The thing is this is not new, I have been here 15 times before and also to every town nearby many times. It shows how my anxiety had gotten so much worse in the last 5 years that I had only been on major day trips about twice a year whereas it used to be 2-3 times per month.I have never gotten used to it due to doing it more. I also dont speak to people when I am out so my anxiety never has gotten better.Sometimes I ask the bus driver a question or some people might ask me for directions but this idea that a socially anxious nut case goes out regularly and before you know it they are chatting to people left right and centre is utter crap.

Its like the utter shit advice you hear in other places. Like walking a dog is a good place to make friends and even meet women. I walked my family dogs from age 15-32 and probably only spoke to about 2 people a year. I dont even remember seeing any attractive girls and of course the idea that I would make friends with them or even fall in love is plainly ridiculous as it would have meant me chatting them up as I have never ever come across any female ever who chatted me up. Mind you according to social anxiety forums women are just as likely to make the first move. More delusional fantasy?

Some more advice I have been given for work was to hang around yes hang around companies I am interested in working for and somehow making myself known to them. WTF did this even mean? Hang around the entrance and chat up the receptionists? Volunteer to get the tea or clean the toilets. Obviously I would need to have no social anxiety even if such a thing was possible. Its similar to someone on a self help website for anxiety saying to go and sit in the bar and before you know it you would be chatting to the bar man and making friends whereas in reality I would be the weird quiet man sitting alone who everyone made fun of. That is exactly what I am afraid would happen if I forced myself to go and sit in a cafe alone every week. Of course the reaction to this is I am just making excuses and then when it happens as I describe you are told to just keep doing it and assume it gets better.It doesn’t.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “A day out

  1. I got a good laugh at your commentary about hanging around companies. haha. I have heard similar advice for other situations, for example it has been suggested that I try to hang around areas where people scuba dive so that I can meet more people that also scuba dive. The idea can have some merit but it requires the motivation and ability to chat up strangers, as well as know how to cultivate relationships. It always blows my mind away when my gf just starts speaking so casually to complete strangers.

    And on that note, I recall a previous comment I made about not knowing how I managed to be in some relationships, given how bad my social anxiety is. I am pretty certain that in all situations, the girl made the first mood and started talking to me. I think one of the important things is to be mindful of how you appear. As an easy example, if I am off in a corner staring at my mobile phone then chances are people aren’t going to approach me. That being said… I have been in situations where I try to appear open to conversation but nobody engages with me… hah.

    As with everything, all these things are highly situational AND highly personal. What works for some people isn’t going to work for everyone else.

    • Yes, I still have trouble thinking about relationships as even during 20 year of work I never had more than an occasional good conversation with any women and nearly everything I have ever read or seen seems to indicate that women rarely talk first, in fact in a study at a university 93% of women said that they had never asked a guy out first.I think people are so brainwashed with wanting to believe in equality that they forget that evolution is very sexist and in almost every species of animal the male and female act quite differently. I always knew if I did not get over my shyness I’d die a virgin.

      • Times are certainly changing mate. Women are now proposing to men! I think a lot of women do hold on to old traditions, but there are certainly women who do not. Those are the women that realise equality happens everywhere, not just when it comes to equal rights and who does the cleaning up.

        You live in a relatively small town dont you? If it is like the country towns of Australia then perhaps progress doesn’t happen as fast

      • No its a medium sized city, quite modern in most respects. What interested me was that the study I read came back with 93% of women in a university in the modern USA had never made the first move in spite of better equality in many other areas and they concluded that it might be because of evolutionary reasons and not culture.

      • It is an interesting topic though, I most certainly think that ‘manly’ ideals were evolutionary. A tribe or family unit needed protectors and in terms of raw strength, men were just more physically capable.

        But it is those manly ideals which have changed over time due to the importance of various values that certain cultures have.

        What do you think of this question? If a woman gives audible or visual cues to a man that she wants him to talk to her. Is she making the first move ?

      • Oh yes, I become interested in human behaviour many years ago when I realised how mad I was and remember watching a documentary on human attraction. In a nightclub bar setting women often gave the signal they liked a man by smiling or eye contact or saying hello.Some girls even did this to me at work. Its just then expected that the guy chats her up if he likes her. The internet may also have changed things quite a lot as a women can judge whether she likes someone and then often contacts him first.

        However I also saw a documentary that said human minds have barely changed in the last 50000 years hence the flight or flight response which is more appropriate to the plains of Africa and of course men liked a particularly figure of women because they were instinctively picking someone likely to be a good mother and they still do this today even though things have changed.I think women are more likely to be in a relationship but that may not make them any happier in the long run. My mother springs to mind as she very shy as a child but always had anxiety.
        I posted this video before but its very similar to my experiences.

      • interesting video, he makes some interesting points. I know I used to feel that girls had it way easier, to an extent I still do. But during my various hospital admissions, I actually met some girls with social anxiety and there are a lot of single girls out there struggling with mental health issues as well.

        While biologically our minds have not changed, it is the values we live by which evolve constantly. Attraction has certainly evolved over time!

      • Its easy to generalise although I find it fascinating that most people have no problem with animals having different behaviour between males and females but somehow think humans are so special. Women have had it worse for most of human history although some things may be worse for men.

  2. It’s great that you are making an effort to go out once a week. Traveling, even alone, is a good way to explore places and get used to areas you were unfamiliar with. I find myself going to most places on my own. I too am trying to make an effort to go out weekly. I don’t know about you, but my social anxiety used to be so crippling that for a period of 1-2 years, I could go for a period of 2-3 weeks without stepping out of my home. Terrible times. 😦

    • Thanks,yes, I have gone through periods where even the idea of planning a trip out with looking at train and bus times would start to make me feel sick. I used to go out more once but then went though a dark period when my mother was dying of dementia and virtually ground to a standstill.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s