Christmas Time

I want to turn on the lights
I want to keep your hopes alive
So where do I begin
To help you believe again
Makers of secret planes
Keepers of our last remains
Dream of a holy state
In a nightmare time


I spent the week before Christmas at my friends place. It was nice although I came back on the 23rd so spent Christmas week alone. I have tried to stay calm and not dwell on things and also keep to come kind of routine. I had watched some more youtube videos on CBT before Christmas and they depressed me so much I felt awful for days and began to think about suicide again. No wonder I choose to be avoidant. CBT for anxiety makes me feel more hopeless so any optimism collapses.On Christmas day I went to the cemetery for the 4th year running to visit my parents grave and new years eve I watched the fireworks on TV as I always have, even in 1999, yes I am that old. The highlight of the year was undoubtedly staying for a week in Cornwall with 5 other people although I only knew one of them so I was quite anxious. I wish I could find some optimism for the year ahead but its hard after all these years with no change and seeing no way out.

As usual I did a Flickr album of my year in 100 pictures;

Christmas Eve Carol Concert, Leicester

Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

9 thoughts on “Christmas Time”

  1. So glad to hear you had a nice time with your buddies in Cornwall. My mother will be visiting that area next year. Do you watch Dr Martin? I think that show is set in that area.

    You really got a wonderful eye for photography, some really stunning photos on your flickr

    1. Thanks, I hope you had a good Christmas. I used to think that my own doctor was the even more miserable brother of Doctor Martin as he really was a complete ass. We didn’t visit the place it was filmed although I would have liked to visit Tintagel which is was nearby and is supposedly the castle home of legendary King Arthur.(even though he didn’t really exist!)

      1. I had both a good christmas and new years. I had anxiety about both events, but the actual event turned out pretty nicely.

        Why dont you change doctors? I couldn’t imagine dealing with a real life doc martin, he is hilarious to watch because of how absurd and emotionally challenged he can be. But I would like to think I would not put up with anyone talking to me like that. I’m sure my anxiety would send me running actually.

        So did you visit titagel or not? I’d love to see some castles. I love my medieval history. We saw a castle in new zealand but it was more akin to a 1900s mansion.

      2. Oh ,my miserable doctor left thank God. He was useless and rude with my elderly mother when she was dying with dementia too. I have not met my new doctor yet as the last two times I went I saw another one. No, we did not get to tintagel. The best castles I have seen are Windsor where the Queen still sometimes lives in and Warwick. Most are complete ruins now and some were blown up in the English civil war.

      3. A quick google of ‘windsor castle’ left me awestruck. I’ve always been interested in stonehenge and would love to go see it sometime, but I think I am going to have to prioritise windsor castle

        Pretty sad the amount of destruction that has been caused by war 😦

      4. Yes,mankind has always been violent. I have never seen Stonehenge although I’ve visited a few smaller stone circles. Avebury is another one that looks interesting, in fact its so big they built a village inside it!

      5. Cheers mate, you’ve given me a few things to put on my ever expanding ‘activity list’. I can’t wait to visit England and see all these amazing places!

  2. Wow, the stone circle is amazing! Looks like some kind of alien civilization from that angle. Great photos on Flickr as always. Maybe we’ll leave CBT aside and try more relaxation methods?

    1. I am not really sure any more. I think I have to believe that a happy future life is possible otherwise everything else is pointless.

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