Eternal Damnation

Prime Minister Theresa May 9th January 2017;For too long mental illness has been something of a hidden injustice in our country, shrouded in a completely unacceptable stigma and dangerously disregarded as a secondary issue to physical health.

George Freeman, a Conservative MP and head of the Number 10 Downing Street policy unit this week;“Disability benefits should only go to really disabled people and not those taking pills at home, who suffer from anxiety.We want to make sure we get the money to the really disabled people who need it.” 

And there you have it. Lie after lie after lie after lie. Hypocrisy at every level. Helping people to some Conservatives has always meant encouragement by the stick,starving them to instil fear and desperation and assuming they all run off and get jobs. F**k the ones that cant or fail. No wonder homelessness is going up at such a rate. As someone who has suffered anxiety since I was 5 to such a degree I have never even had a relationship and think about suicide daily I cant even contemplate the shame and embarrassment of trying to claim money from a system that treats such people as lazy scum. Its this system and this society and most importantly this government that encourages suicide for mentally ill and desperate people. Mind you perhaps that’s what she wants, getting rid of the human waste. As a former vicars daughter you would think she would have some compassionate and empathy for others less fortunate but often the religious are actually the most ruthless and selfish of all. I hope there really is an afterlife and any pain and fear she creates on earth to the most in need she gets back ten fold upon herself in the next world.

He who oppresses the poor taunts his Maker, But he who is gracious to the needy honours Him.


CBT again

Lots of people on the social anxiety forum seem to have had very bad experiences with CBT although it only works for 75% anyway. The trouble is that many NHS trusts are advocating using CBT as the only solution to all anxiety and depression cases as they are so short of money and think its the best option. It doesn’t work for some people as all talking to strangers is hard and often does not get any better due to constant failure which as I have said many times only increases anxiety. You have to have success to be able to gain confidence in order to try  new things and often trying to make small talk to someone at work or a cashier in the supermarket is strained and awkward so it is painful and embarrassing. This sometimes even results in ridicule. It did for me at work when i  was told that I only talk about certain subjects with certain people. Yes, that’s because I never did anything or went anywhere and had no idea what to talk about otherwise so the only other option was complete avoidance. They advise you to try anything as if its always positive but in reality all failure or weird behaviour from us gets ridicule which actually makes our anxiety worse. It obviously needs some kind of way to help people to communicate better and more confidently first before they go into real life situations or they only fail and get worse.This is why other types of therapy are often far more useful before we try social situations but of course everyone is different.

I remember the self help book I got many years ago which advised going into the local shop and talking about the weather. Yet if you do that every day and are awkward or the shop keeper is less than friendly you will soon be known as the mad or strange person that always talks about the weather. if you go and sit alone in the coffee shop and act weird and nervous you will be known by the staff and regulars as the weird nervous guy and even laughed at. if you have chronic paranoia as I have had and thought everyone was mocking me then you get much worse, not better. Without having the confidence which often includes a normal voice, mannerisms and body language which most normal people take for granted the very shy person often gets worse by continually doing and saying the wrong thing and feeling awkward. This is why CBT for me with my lack of motivation, depression and cynicism which are often ignored would be no more useful than telling me to pretend I was a giant chicken and clucking at the shopkeeper although actually hypnotism may be more useful than CBT.

The deeper I go, the darker it gets


I went out looking for spring yesterday afternoon and found some snowdrops. Not a great picture but I was grovelling around on the floor and hoping no one came along and saw me. I still felt rough but sometimes can pick myself up again by pretending sorry believing that we dont cease to exist when we die and that I might not yet become a beggar.I have heard it said that this mindfulness and thought control is like going to the gym in that you have to keep doing it or you become unfit and flabby again so perhaps it is just practice. After all I have been pretty much insane for over 40 years so changing thought patterns is hard especially as all logic dictates that the rest of my life will be mind-numbingly hard even if I do fight and dont give up. Meditation is the hardest though as peace is hard to come across. The amount of banging noises coming from next door and the noise in the general neighbourhood is so intense I might as well sit in the middle of Heathrow airport runway to get some peace.

Sunday, Sunday, looks wet to me.

Its sad reading older people writing about how things have gone wrong with their life and how they wish they could go back and try again. I am not sure I would. For a start since my penis didn’t start working until I was 27 so I still would have not gone out on dates. Its funny how people dont feel comfortable taking about sex but will still ask “Why are you still single? Why dont you chase girls?” They dont want to talk about sex but still assume you have a fully working penis and balls. As mentioned previously once up until 27 I was fairly asexual anyway, sort of liking the look of some girls but really preferring a cup of tea and a slice of cake instead most of the time so it wasn’t just shyness. Makes you wonder how many people in society are proper asexual or not really liking sex even if the still have some feelings. I think some people would much rather have a nice hug. I have heard some couples do this and they never have sex or fondle each others wobbly bits at all. I wonder how they meet.

Even with my current brain if I could go back in time to college and Uni and try to mix with people my age who were normal it would still have been very hard to impossible and presentations would still be a non starter. I dont choose to be miserable and I cant choose to be optimistic so counting my blessings and writing positive affirmations are completely useless. Today its wet and drizzly yet again and despite a walk into town trying to imagine everything as a giant holographic universe and not that important I come back, eat three chocolate digestives with coffee and then have nothing to do except housework, watch France v Scotland in the rugby and wait until dinner. The depression and sense of hopelessness are more like an “ARGHHHHHHHHH!” feeling which hits me like uncontrollable kick in the bollocks and makes me want to sleep or drink, mostly both.These feelings will pass? No they wont,when my money runs out I may have to start begging so my future is even bleaker hence the never feeling optimistic or not over reacting.

I always hated Sundays from my childhood. My parents in the classic style of parents of mental people never considered it part of parenthood duties to entertain, encourage or take me anywhere and thought just giving me food and sending me to school would be enough so almost all days off and holidays were spent sitting watching TV or playing on my own and feeling frustrated and sad,usually anxious about going back to school the next day. Many years on and all those feelings are exactly the same. So I didn’t grow out of shyness then? I just become a mentally insane loner.In reality I could do lots of things and yet most things seem just as impossible as they did when I was 5. I used to think on particularly bad days that if I could go back in time I would choose the day I fell out of my pushchair(buggy) into the road but this time I would stretch my neck out a bit further where that car tyre just went by my head. A life of pain is a life not worth living.Its really just a waste of cake that somebody else could be eating.

Up and down then down again

Despite some moments of more contentment due to trying different mind control and motivational techniques I feel myself slipping quite uncontrollably back into a state of lethargy and depression again. I think total isolation does have many negative effects. I find I am constantly talking to myself and sometimes get highly irritated by small things with an underlying rage. Of course meeting any new people is the problem as most people without any comprehension of SA( and many with)have no idea the reality of trying to make friends and fit in when you feel like a freak and are too miserable to make jokes or laugh.

Even yesterday when shopping I had an anxiety attack from absolutely nowhere when at the check out and when this happens even small talk becomes incredibly hard. One aspect of anxiety which I have always had is when feeling extremely bad is I have problems with my mouth and jaw and face. I have physical problems even speaking or being heard so the advice of just forcing yourself to talk is useless as shame and embarrassment creates greater anxiety, not less.

I also had heart pain on and off for several hours yesterday. In fact this has been happening for over a year.I dont really have any motivation to see the doctor as it doesn’t seem to matter any more.

More Than This

But nothing fades as fast as the future
And nothing clings like the past, until we can see

So much more than this
There is something else there
When all that you had has all gone

 After watching Groundhog Day last night I then went online and the first Youtube video recommended for me was about Buddhist teachings. It’s interesting how they are both linked. Bill Murray’s character only finds happiness and is allowed to move on when he finally accepts what is happening to him, understands other peoples pain and their point of view and then starts to be empathetic and kind towards others which in return creates happiness and peace of mind for him. Buddhist teachings seem to be much like this. It also links in with mindfulness and mediation. I knew long ago that my happiness is not to be found through wealth but somehow achieved through helping others but have never managed to achieve this due to be a complete loner due to anxiety. However in the last few weeks I have felt better through thinking differently. It’s like an awakening which is how it is often described as in spiritual terms. This is partly due to my friend who I spent another week with in January and also putting things together which I have seen over the years which all seem linked.

As someone who has always had a very scientific mind and wanted evidence it was hard to believe in any of this at first. After all I have always been fascinated with evolution, human behaviour, and cosmology and watched all documentaries on theses subjects since I was a boy. However when I began to watch documentaries on quantum physics it all changed. That’s because the greatest scientists on earth haven’t got a clue really what matter is and what it does. First the amount of matter we see everywhere is mostly empty. The space between atoms is so large that Mount Everest if compressed as tightly as possible would only be a few feet high yet weight the same. It’s only the resistance given off by the matter which is similar to magnetic force that you can’t put your hand through things as 99% of the table you see before you is empty space. Then atoms were only visible when viewed and reverted to wave form when not being viewed making some people believe the whole universe is some kind of hologram with matter only appearing real when we experience it. Another experiment found out people’s brains were able to predict what they were going to do in a computer related test not only five seconds before they did it but  before even the computer had chosen what to ask the person as if events had already been decided somewhere else. Then you come on to the multiverse theory and the essence of time and consciousness.  Even the big bang is a complete mystery as everything came form nothing which may have been another universe which of course begs the question where that came from and so on.

This spiritual kind of thinking may all be some kind of delusional fantasy and have no beneficial effect on my life at all but I find this more optimistic than anything I have come across before and it may be far more helpful than going over my painful past as I have done so often on this blog which really just keeps me in a negative mindset and thinking what if? all the time.