Up and down then down again

Despite some moments of more contentment due to trying different mind control and motivational techniques I feel myself slipping quite uncontrollably back into a state of lethargy and depression again. I think total isolation does have many negative effects. I find I am constantly talking to myself and sometimes get highly irritated by small things with an underlying rage. Of course meeting any new people is the problem as most people without any comprehension of SA( and many with)have no idea the reality of trying to make friends and fit in when you feel like a freak and are too miserable to make jokes or laugh.

Even yesterday when shopping I had an anxiety attack from absolutely nowhere when at the check out and when this happens even small talk becomes incredibly hard. One aspect of anxiety which I have always had is when feeling extremely bad is I have problems with my mouth and jaw and face. I have physical problems even speaking or being heard so the advice of just forcing yourself to talk is useless as shame and embarrassment creates greater anxiety, not less.

I also had heart pain on and off for several hours yesterday. In fact this has been happening for over a year.I dont really have any motivation to see the doctor as it doesn’t seem to matter any more.

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