Its sad reading older people writing about how things have gone wrong with their life and how they wish they could go back and try again. I am not sure I would. For a start since my penis didn’t start working until I was 27 so I still would have not gone out on dates. Its funny how people dont feel comfortable taking about sex but will still ask “Why are you still single? Why dont you chase girls?” They dont want to talk about sex but still assume you have a fully working penis and balls. As mentioned previously once up until 27 I was fairly asexual anyway, sort of liking the look of some girls but really preferring a cup of tea and a slice of cake instead most of the time so it wasn’t just shyness. Makes you wonder how many people in society are proper asexual or not really liking sex even if the still have some feelings. I think some people would much rather have a nice hug. I have heard some couples do this and they never have sex or fondle each others wobbly bits at all. I wonder how they meet. Just-cuddles.com?
Even with my current brain if I could go back in time to college and Uni and try to mix with people my age who were normal it would still have been very hard to impossible and presentations would still be a non starter. I dont choose to be miserable and I cant choose to be optimistic so counting my blessings and writing positive affirmations are completely useless. Today its wet and drizzly yet again and despite a walk into town trying to imagine everything as a giant holographic universe and not that important I come back, eat three chocolate digestives with coffee and then have nothing to do except housework, watch France v Scotland in the rugby and wait until dinner. The depression and sense of hopelessness are more like an “ARGHHHHHHHHH!” feeling which hits me like uncontrollable kick in the bollocks and makes me want to sleep or drink, mostly both.These feelings will pass? No they wont,when my money runs out I may have to start begging so my future is even bleaker hence the never feeling optimistic or not over reacting.
I always hated Sundays from my childhood. My parents in the classic style of parents of mental people never considered it part of parenthood duties to entertain, encourage or take me anywhere and thought just giving me food and sending me to school would be enough so almost all days off and holidays were spent sitting watching TV or playing on my own and feeling frustrated and sad,usually anxious about going back to school the next day. Many years on and all those feelings are exactly the same. So I didn’t grow out of shyness then? I just become a mentally insane loner.In reality I could do lots of things and yet most things seem just as impossible as they did when I was 5. I used to think on particularly bad days that if I could go back in time I would choose the day I fell out of my pushchair(buggy) into the road but this time I would stretch my neck out a bit further where that car tyre just went by my head. A life of pain is a life not worth living.Its really just a waste of cake that somebody else could be eating.