I went out looking for spring yesterday afternoon and found some snowdrops. Not a great picture but I was grovelling around on the floor and hoping no one came along and saw me. I still felt rough but sometimes can pick myself up again by pretending sorry believing that we dont cease to exist when we die and that I might not yet become a beggar.I have heard it said that this mindfulness and thought control is like going to the gym in that you have to keep doing it or you become unfit and flabby again so perhaps it is just practice. After all I have been pretty much insane for over 40 years so changing thought patterns is hard especially as all logic dictates that the rest of my life will be mind-numbingly hard even if I do fight and dont give up. Meditation is the hardest though as peace is hard to come across. The amount of banging noises coming from next door and the noise in the general neighbourhood is so intense I might as well sit in the middle of Heathrow airport runway to get some peace.