Enemy at the Gates

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I forced myself to go out on Wednesday afternoon as I was getting very anxious but it was sunny and the warmest day of the year so far. I hated it and didn’t enjoy it at all. I have made hundreds of walks over the last 12 years and have hated quite a lot of them. Exercise doesn’t always help anxiety.In fact once I even threw my camera in a ditch as I got so  irritated.Walks often dont work in the slightest to help my mental health and I hate them as much as shopping at the local supermarket. Its because everywhere I go there are people.

I think the main reason for this is that I have come to see all people as the potential enemy and everywhere I go is crowded  so I still feel anxious. Thats because I speak to virtually no one for weeks any-more. Its like I read about someone who was physically disabled and living in medieval England. As they were so ridiculed and abused for their disability they came to see all strangers as the potential enemy and as a result they were hostile to almost everyone unless they knew them and began to trust them. I realised that was now me. That is how I have began to see the world and all strangers.  Even on the anxiety forum I use I have stopped posting regularly and now see almost all of them as the potential enemy.  I dont get support as I dont give any. Mind you the worse my anxiety has got the harder it is to empathise or see other people’s points of view. I think its like the mind shutting down to look after itself and as such becomes selfish and self obsessed. Its hard to get out of as I shut things out to save me from pain so stop caring.

I was looking at private therapists in my area today but wonder if there is any point any more as my negativity and lack of hope have escalated hugely.  Even with a different mindset looking for work after so many years of unemployment and with no good explanation for such an enormous gap in my work history would almost certainly result in rejection which would create depression and send me back into the abyss again. Thats is because even after years of mental illness making me see things unclearly and think the worst the undeniable fact is that much of modern life is still about survival of the fittest and if something is wrong with you then the vast majority of people judge you,condemn you and dont wont anything to do with you. All of this therapy and self help is about trying to change our behaviour to be like them in order to be accepted by them whether in work or in a relationship. Being mental is the same as being faulty and must be rejected.

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