The wrong kind of mad

Its been quite a bad few weeks. My anxiety and more importantly depression has increased to the point where I am contemplating death almost daily as I see no other way out.  Nothing works and my head feels like its in a vice much of the day. I have stopped going out and become even more avoidant.Its not social anxiety as I dont speak to anyone for weeks anyway. These are other mental problems which have gathered pace. I can only point their increase to one thing. Looking online for help. The thing I keep seeing ad infinitum for anxiety is CBT. This usually means doing stuff that makes you anxious in the hope you get used to it and then doing even more stuff that makes you even more anxious until you dont care any more

I dont know where to start really. Online help experts imply that I am mental so am not thinking clearly so should believe the therapist and that CBT works. Thats ignoring that I could even get CBT and that many NHS therapists appear to be borderline insane themselves. Group therapy which is often more easily available appears be even worse as you are expected to talk in front of people so I would not open up. I mean how to explain that my penis only started working at age 27 so dating was a no go anyway and that I feel so angry most day I want to attack people.

You are expected to make a hierarchy list of anxiety fears and then go through them. Although you are supposed to only do the easier ones first and get used to it before moving on the very thought that I would be expected to do the harder ones would overwhelm me and almost certainly ensure I did not go back. As said before even making small talk with tesco staff is a non starter and ignores the obvious fact that you are supposed to smile, engage, speak with optimism, not go blank if they answer back and think of other sentences after your first one even assuming you get a positive response and they dont think I am creepy weirdo.

Speaking of creepy weirdo then there is my age. Older men who are shy are always considered creepy as we are all ageist.As I am over 45 the humiliation is that much greater especially if it was in a group and full of younger people and with optimism and partners. I have no motivation as my depression has been getting much worse and despite the fact that depression often accompanies long term social anxiety the self help sites all say that that CBT works best for people that are highly motivated. Just like online I would probably annoy them with my negativity and daring to answer back. There is simply no way I am going to ask strangers on the street for directions for 1 hour. You have to do things this long so you get used t them apparently.The more I have looked for help the more I see there isn’t any. people like to pretend there is as it makes them feel better about humanity but in many ways we are back in the dark ages. In fact I have read that if you are too depressed or ill they wont even see you. You have to be the right kind of mad, not too mad, not too well but somewhere in the middle.

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

2 thoughts on “The wrong kind of mad”

  1. Are there any mindfulness groups in your area? In my experience, people in those kind of groups tend to be more compassionate and accepting. Maybe it can help to try meditating with them?

    1. I am not sure. Going to any group activity on my own the way I am feeling at the moment seems close to impossible.

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