Missing link

I know it’s probably not recommended as it makes you more pessimistic but one of the self help websites I came across while looking at how pointless CBT would be asked you to write down every single thing in your life you have you missed out on because of your anxiety and as I am the most miserable and depressed blogger with social anxiety on wordpress (look at the title of blog for proof!) I thought I would anyway. Then I can wallow in yet more self pity again and probably drink more alcohol as I have not had any today yet.

  1. Dropped out of college after 2 days
  2. So also never went to university
  3. Never went out socialising so never developed a network of friends
  4. Never dared ask a girl out so never had a relationship ever! No first date, no first kiss, nothing. However don’t forget my penis not knowing how to work until I was 27 which made me confused to say the least.
  5. Obviously no family
  6. OR sex!
  7. Never learnt to drive
  8. Never got passport or been abroad, my family were also nuts so never went on holiday when I was young.
  9. Got job but only in menial warehouse work as mad people always get shoved into this kind of thing
  10. Unable to ever get promotion or move on as too shy to apply for other positions and I was convinced all other people hated me. (Some did!)
  11. after redundancy applied for only 2 jobs and then accepted death
  12. Did not even apply for benefits after redundancy and so have not paid NI in years meaning I am not entitled to any job seeker allowance or full state pension
  13. Oh yes, never been for any help from GP

I am sure there are more.

More Tea?

I have downloaded loads of stuff on therapy for anxiety and self help this week. There is absolutely tons for free including entire CBT manuals of over 600 pages.The only thing it makes me want to do is kill myself right now to save future pain. It may be depression speaking but quite honestly I feel I need some therapy in order to motivate me to do therapy and give me any hope that recovery is even  possible in the first place. CBT is obsessed with exposures in he hope you get used to being a twat.The most simple(according to them) anxiety inducing tasks such as smiling at strangers on the street(that’s not creepy!) talking about the weather to the cashiers at Tesco or walking around the city centre to ask people the time and directions endlessly are about as appealing to me as being head butted in the face. And I would not even contemplate group therapy and role playing with people over 20 years younger than me. safe and supportive environment my arse. If the uk social anxiety forum is anything to go many people with anxiety are some of the most unfriendly judgemental people ever born.

Although I dream of one last chance of a (well not a normal life, no man my age who is a virgin and unemployed for so many, many many, many years and a complete hermit could even think of normality now)but a passable existence for the remaining years of my life but honestly I have seen virtually nothing which comes even close.  I went three times to the doctors for other reasons last year partially to check things out and go back but never even met my own doctor(perhaps he was ill!)so still have no idea what he is like.

Of course the NHS being in collapse at the moment means there is a 6 month to 12 month waiting list for therapy as if its a great honour and I would not really want to go though all of that and go to my first session and realise that I was right and that its not for me and not go again. There is honestly no way on earth I would do exposure therapy if it made me feel so awkward that I would rather die. F**k facing your fears and do it anyway. I am still tempted to go to the doctor anyway just to see if there is any help whatsoever. I have an idea that things are so bad he would probably just tell me to go for some long walks and eat healthier and that’ll cure me. “Just get a girlfriend! That will sort you out!”

Even with absolutely no mental health problems whatsoever it would be incredibly hard for me to get a job at my age with my ENORMOUS work-gap and with no good reason whatsoever(apart from madness), no way of getting any references and I can’t do stand up manual work due to bad hip so therapy would do very little to help me get work. In fact some people on the forum have been told to go away after just six sessions as if  they should be cured and are no better whatsoever. Yet almost every single website says go and get help straight away like its completely wonderful.

Pain

A lot of things are said to persuade people not to kill themselves. Fear of a Christian God who sends you to hell to burn you for all eternity. Such Compassion! Fear of non existence, making people feel guilty for leaving others behind if they indeed do have family or someone here who is then alone. The thing is, everyone’s circumstances are different. Sure, many problems that seem life destroying now can alter and in the future it may all be very different such as a relationship breakup. But then again lots of things dont. Lots of things get worse and worse and never get better. The help for mental health is absolutely appalling. Homelessness is going up. People are almost all judgemental and dont pick losers for relationships or for jobs so once you are in the gutter you are not allowed to get out again even if you try. For me its comes down to the amount of pain and the length of time you have to endure it. Like those people burning alive at the top of the twin towers back in 2001. If the pain becomes too much then anything is preferable.

Black Wednesday

Oh dear, just looking at social anxiety self help sites for a brief time has sent me spiralling back into waves of intense misery and depression again. Thats why I stay avoidant.  Even thinking about doing any CBT or exposure therapy makes me realise its all completely pointless and that death is probably more sensible. Mind you its just as bad using the UK social anxiety forum. It only makes me feel disliked thus increasing my anxiety and now I feel like most of the people on there are the enemy as I have only made one friend ever in over 10 years. Perhaps I am just incompatible with all human life OR perhaps some other people with social anxiety are complete arseholes but like to think of themselves as wonderful to boost their fragile egos.

Contrary to belief people with social anxiety are not better or nicer or even more understanding than ordinary people. If using the forum is anything to go by some of the biggest wankers you could imagine use that place and often like to put others down to feel better about themselves. I have often seen this behaviour in that anxious people often had parents or other people belittle them while growing up and then they just copy this behaviour into adulthood and do it to others.But if using forums only increase my social anxiety and feelings of being disliked then doesn’t that prove the advice is all wrong and that self help forums are shit. Why do they assume you learn and get better? If anything its more like facebook in that people are often more prone to insult you from the safety of their bedroom and would probably dare not even speak up in real life.I wonder if I can buy anxiety meds legally off the internet like I did for insomnia.

How Do I Get Over My Fear of Being the Centre of Attention?

1.Wear something flashy. Wear something that makes you stand out in a crowd.

Yes,great idea because people who look different dont get picked on at all do they? Shall I also do a silly walk like I do or did anyway due to a bad hip and then get punched in the face? I did not go out for weeks after that and when I did took a large pebble with me in case I was attacked again and then I would have probably killed someone. It made me way more paranoid. I have even seen the advise of going out with your flies open if you are a man! Why not wave my dick around while I am at it? Why does so much of this type of advice assume that almost everyone wont notice or mind. If you pass hundreds of people in a week and even the odd one says something or maybe even punches you that alone is enough to stop you going out at all and makes you worse. Verbal public humiliation still traumatises people and is why so many still remember things like being ridiculed in front of the class at school by a bad teacher even many years later.

How Do I Get Over My Fear of Social Situations?

8.Invite a friend to do something. Make plans with someone to do something like see a movie or take your dogs for a walk together.

I remember phoning someone I knew at work to go do something like play pool/snooker as I thought they were a sort of friend since he had already been to my house before to play computer games and yet the reaction I got was sort of like as if I had asked him to suck my cock. He was almost shocked that I had phoned him and since this humiliated me so much I never ever did it again. Result: doing something that the self help forums recommend and asking “what is the worst that can can happen?” had a much more negative effect on me. Conclusion shy awkward people are considered strange and freakish so find it much harder to get a positive response even when they DO take the initiative.  In effect nobody wants to know you as you are already considered strange so you never get better.. Also being cripplingly shy I did not have any friends for long periods and often went years without going out anywhere in the evenings. Even self help forums for chronic shyness still assume you just MUST have some friends to do things with. Of course it would have been even worse with trying to ask a girl on date.  Again the conclusion I get is that most self help guides have no understanding of crippling anxiety at all. Making excuses my F**KING arse!

Making friends

Its easy to make friends. You just need to go out more.

But its never worked in all these years.

Thats because you need to smile and appear friendly, show the right body language, say the right words in the right sentences about relevant subjects in an interesting manner, dependant upon the type of person you meet and you need to speak in the right voice and be confident, show empathy in the right places, not speak about yourself self too much but also dont ask too many questions and not the wrong type of questions or you come across as  rude, oh and don’t be boring, have a good sense of humour without being irritating even if you are depressed and you also need to dress appropriately so you dont look nerdy or like a tramp but not as if you are trying to be too trendy either then you look like a poser. Oh and dont forget age, most people only make friends with those about the same age. If you are an older man and go to a meet with younger people especially women you’ll come across as a creepy weirdo and they might think you are trying to chat them up so dont speak at all. Oh and that reminds me dont be awkward either or you’ll make other people feel awkward and they will leave and not want to see you again.  And dont appear desperate or they will dislike you for that too. Come to think of it better not be yourself as most people like people similar to them and you’re completely mental pessimistic and depressed.

Thats sounds hard.Did I tell you I also used to blush, stutter and have panic attacks as I had crippling anxiety?

Rubbish, you are just making excuses! Most people are lovely!