I have downloaded loads of stuff on therapy for anxiety and self help this week. There is absolutely tons for free including entire CBT manuals of over 600 pages.The only thing it makes me want to do is kill myself right now to save future pain. It may be depression speaking but quite honestly I feel I need some therapy in order to motivate me to do therapy and give me any hope that recovery is even possible in the first place. CBT is obsessed with exposures in he hope you get used to being a twat.The most simple(according to them) anxiety inducing tasks such as smiling at strangers on the street(that’s not creepy!) talking about the weather to the cashiers at Tesco or walking around the city centre to ask people the time and directions endlessly are about as appealing to me as being head butted in the face. And I would not even contemplate group therapy and role playing with people over 20 years younger than me. safe and supportive environment my arse. If the uk social anxiety forum is anything to go many people with anxiety are some of the most unfriendly judgemental people ever born.
Although I dream of one last chance of a (well not a normal life, no man my age who is a virgin and unemployed for so many, many many, many years and a complete hermit could even think of normality now)but a passable existence for the remaining years of my life but honestly I have seen virtually nothing which comes even close. I went three times to the doctors for other reasons last year partially to check things out and go back but never even met my own doctor(perhaps he was ill!)so still have no idea what he is like.
Of course the NHS being in collapse at the moment means there is a 6 month to 12 month waiting list for therapy as if its a great honour and I would not really want to go though all of that and go to my first session and realise that I was right and that its not for me and not go again. There is honestly no way on earth I would do exposure therapy if it made me feel so awkward that I would rather die. F**k facing your fears and do it anyway. I am still tempted to go to the doctor anyway just to see if there is any help whatsoever. I have an idea that things are so bad he would probably just tell me to go for some long walks and eat healthier and that’ll cure me. “Just get a girlfriend! That will sort you out!”
Even with absolutely no mental health problems whatsoever it would be incredibly hard for me to get a job at my age with my ENORMOUS work-gap and with no good reason whatsoever(apart from madness), no way of getting any references and I can’t do stand up manual work due to bad hip so therapy would do very little to help me get work. In fact some people on the forum have been told to go away after just six sessions as if they should be cured and are no better whatsoever. Yet almost every single website says go and get help straight away like its completely wonderful.