Turmoil

For sighing comes to me instead of food. My groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me.What I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest, but only turmoil.

Quite  a bad week yet again. I took another sleeping tablet last night as my mind was in turmoil. I feel highly anxious and irritable all the time. Thats because I am totally confused thinking about if its worth getting help for my anxiety depression when in truth not only is help hard to find in the NHS but as already expressed CBT exposure therapy for my anxiety is not an option.

I am due to visit my only friend in a weeks time so am trying to keep it together until then. In truth yesterday I was close to self harming, getting blind drunk and taking more than one sleeping tablet.  I may try seeing a doctor when I get back but would only undergo therapy if it was individual and not group. Of course even getting therapy especially at my age is a problem and with anything between 6-12 months waiting list. If it was individual CBT I would still go to the first session and talk about my depression and lack of motivation but if they were an arsehole as many NHS therapists seem to be or if they insisted I do exposure and thought I was just being a coward I would just walk away and choose death instead.

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4 thoughts on “Turmoil

  1. I’m seeing a trauma specialist for the first time , individually, in 45 years. Im finding her helpful. The meds so far that i have tried i uses sporadically when im having a very bad panic.
    Im so sorry you are feeling in turmoil. Sleeping is difficult for me too.

    • Thanks, I hope the therapy is good for you. I think speaking to someone can be very useful and make you think more clearly. Maybe I fixate too much on CBT as its so popular now which I find hideous and more like a punishment.

      • I refuse it. I didn’t even go to a therapist that did it because i refuse to do it. She does somatic therapy which i have never had and i find it fascinating. It focuses on where you feel the feelings in your body and finding out what your body needs to let that go or to soothe it or to comfort it through imagery

      • That sounds interesting.I’ll look it up. I think we have to try everything until we find what works for us.I had got into mindfulness and read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It made me feel calm and happy for a while. In fact I noticed people speaking to me perhaps because I looked happier and not in s state of constant anxiety which doing CBT would create.

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