Beginning of the end

As I have been feeling worse than almost any point in my life over the last year I have serious considered going to the doctors. There are just so many self help sites, TV doctors and even people online who advise this for depression and anxiety as if its the first step to certain recovery. Yet with no motivation left at all is there really any point? Will meds make me feel motivated and if not what can? Torture? Shame? Guilt? No, they make me want to die.  I thought meds for anxiety or depression made you feel like a zombie anyway.  Some people even say if you go to the doctor that means you must still have some motivation left. No it doesn’t. It means that there is nothing left at all apart from death and you are deciding which is best. That’s also ignoring that over 50% of people who went to their doctor for mental health problems found the help poor or very poor.

CBT for social anxiety is completely pointless as I would not do exposure therapy under any circumstances as there are absolutely no easy situations. Smiling at strangers or making small talk is a shit idea and makes me vomit. I can just imagine the cringworthy conversations I would have about the weather with shop assistants and the looks of contempt.

Also shy people (usually men) often get looks of contempt from females when they try small talk. Its the law and lets you know that you can just F**k off as you are ugly and a loser so dont even try. Thats because  men making witty banter with women are often trying to chat them up as men know they will die a virgin unless they constantly go round looking for attractive females and initiating conversation.  By contrast if a woman likes a man they sometimes smile and if you are very lucky even say hello. Then they still expect you to chat them up and hate you if you dont. Thats why there are 10 times more male virgins than female.

Depression is also an overwhelming factor and my dire future(and past)is the reason so its not in any way overreacting. In fact many people with mental health problems are committing suicide in the UK right now because the government makes it hard to impossible to claim benefits and does not care if you end up homeless and I have not even tried to claim any benefit yet and am already this depressed. Therapy cant help me get a job can it as no one will employ someone this long unemployed and who cant do stand up manual work. If the job is shit then I wont be in a better situation or be happy anyway even if I can pay the bills.

I am beginning to see suicide as a logical and sensible solution just like the women that drown their own children and then killed themselves rather than let invading soldiers repeatedly rape them to death during WW2. Death is not good but its still better than prolonged torture first and then death anyway. Sometimes there is simply no way out and non existence becomes the best option. After reading extensively for help for anxiety and depression online I have not seen anything anywhere which has given me the slightest hope as it all assumes so much and ignores the obvious. People are almost all judgemental bastards. You have to be one of them in the first place to be accepted or they hate you. Just like using the SAUK anxiety forum.

I think that is why so many people who claim to have recovered (certainly from social anxiety)come across as bastards online as they have developed an aggressive, seize the day! and bullying mindset in order to succeed and then try to bully other people to feel this way which of course does not work with depressed people. Many people who succeed are indeed total wankers. Look at so many politicians and business leaders for proof that being a ruthless, selfish and nasty C**T does not impede your chances of success in life.

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