Nerd!

I often wonder if I am somewhat biased in my views and perhaps also bitter and twisted as well considering I am an older male virgin in a world that treats male virgins with total ridicule, contempt and like the scum of the earth and I of course I often dont speak to real humans for weeks on end so may already be mental anyway.  However I read this on the shyness and social anxiety guys website today.

Frankly, It Doesn’t Matter If Girls Like Shy/Quiet Guys…Because if you can’t go talk to her and ask her on a date… then it doesn’t make any difference IF a girl likes you. Either way, you’re still going to be alone because you’re too scared of rejection to make a move.

As a man, YOU are the one who is expected to initiate almost everything when it comes to dating. YOU will have to risk rejection every step of the way if you want to start dating and get a girlfriend.

  • Everything from starting a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to…
  • Being expected to keep it going in the beginning…
  • Asking for her phone number…
  • Planning and setting up the date…
  • Trying to avoid the friend zone…
  • Going for the kiss…
  • Later leading everything to the bedroom…
  • And so on…”

Goes too  far? Inaccurate or the undeniable truth? Almost everything he says has been pretty damn accurate in regards to my own experience(apart from any actual sex related obviously). However for me it was being scared of blushing and stuttering and open ridicule and contempt rather being scared of rejection. I never even got to the making pleasant small talk with a girl I liked, let alone getting to the stage of asking her out.Like I said before I worked in a large company with plenty of females for TWENTY years. I know I only saw most of them in the canteen but did any show interest in me first, initiate conversion with me first or ask me out? Of course not. Perhaps I was the world’s ugliest man but you should have seen some of the freaks I worked with and they all got some one.

Actually there were about 3 girls that showed some interest in me, only because they knew I liked them first and then of course when I failed to approach them and chat them up or acted awkward due to my anxiety they disliked me quite intensely and gave me evil looks along with their friends.One of them actually asked another guy in the canteen if I was mental and loud enough for me to hear!  When I got to the bus stop to go home after work one day I heard one girl say”Oh dont look at him, he wont do anything!” Yes because as a male its simply assumed and expected of me to speak first just as the above article says. “I must impress the females with my witty banter!”  It almost reminds me of one of those little birds doing a courtship dance to impress the female on a nature documentary.  Fascinating that most women wont risk rejection first but the man is expected to or he is called a coward. Perhaps this is why so many young men are so cocky and confident. They evolved to be in order to have the guts to make the first move or the human race would have died out long ago.

This is even better/more truthful:

“But Some Women Love Shy Guys”

Occasionally I will run across a woman writer in a blog or forum who claims that “We love shy guys!” I find this hard to believe, since I spent most of my school years watching the cutest girls go out with the more confident, popular or charismatic guys.But I try to keep an open mind, and I think I now understand what women mean when they say “shy guy.” She imagines a guy who is well-liked and cool, and maybe also a bit quirky or artistic. The guy who may talk a bit less than other people, but he’s self assured on the inside and isn’t afraid to speak up when he wants to.

Again I think this is highly accurate. Many women imagine a nerdy guy who is cute and sweet and sensitive. In reality a shy guy who is cripplingly shy is treated exactly in the same way as a the creepy weirdo.  In fact I mentioned once before  a very shy guy at work who was working up courage all day to talk to a girl he liked out in the car park before he drove home and she reported him for harassment because he was acting weird and creepy! Weird and creepy to most women is EXACTLY THE SAME AS VERY SHY! He then had a mental breakdown and was actually hearing voices speaking to him from the radio and had to leave! Yet the  blokes at work had egged him on all day and told him to do this with classic lines such “Be a man! What’s the worst that could happen?”

In fact even on social anxiety websites now they still insist as a man you just force yourself to approach and chat to every single attractive female you see so you get used to it! For crippling social anxiety this is absolutely F**King useless. Its almost guaranteed to make you worse! In fact many very shy men doing this would probably also get reported for harassment or just told to “F**K off you creep!” This is what I was also getting at in my last post with the vampire theme. All self help sites seem to imagine the shy guy is like Robert Pattinson. Cute and attractive but just a bit quiet, mysterious and different. In reality the shy guy probably looks more like Mr Bean but blushes more and is even more socially inept!

 

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Random Musings of a Shy Man,no. 244

How self help sites imagine it is for a guy who likes a girl but is too shy to speak(yes, forget he’s a vampire although at least he should have no problem with blushing!). They are all highly attractive, she doesn’t think him a creepy weirdo(even though he’s a vampire)and after initial nerves it all ends absolutely lovely. Just go talk to her you cowardly shy man! Its a man’s job to speak first! What could possibly go wrong?

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Meanwhile in reality this is pretty much how I reacted when I was a young man whenever an attractive girl sat near me in the canteen at work.(not often then!)

MY MIND: This is just so awkward! Just force yourself to speak. Say anything!

Me: Shall I speak about chicken farming in Sweden? Perhaps something about tractors or the history of the spoon. “Mumble, mumble,”

Girl: “Excuse me? Did you just say something about gerbils?” Christ I am not sitting near this weirdo again!

Me: Never speak first again you moron! Women hate me!

All Women at work: He’s so weird, he never speaks!(Despite the fact they never speak to me first ever!)

 

From then on this is how your anxious paranoid mind imagines you come across to all female kind (keeping with the vampire theme!) “Weird and creepy? Me? How bloody dare you! I lead a very active social life in the evenings! Why do you mention the dentist?”

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If you are very shy this is the reaction you get whenever you ever tried to approach and talk to an attractive woman in the past, even when getting a bus pass in the city centre shop. Yes, that girl appeared to openly hate me. Why God, why? Perhaps she was just a bitch. “Oh God,not him again!”

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Self help sites; Its all in your head! Its all paranoia. Women love being approached by ugly random weird, shy awkward men and being awkwardly chatted up by them. Keep doing it or you are a coward! Keep doing it and you will get better! Keep pretending women and men are exactly the same and yet ignore the fact that no woman has ever shown interest in you,approached you or asked you out ever(even though you worked in a large company full of women for 20 years) and that you must speak first or die a virgin as women never make the first move. Wonders why you have no confidence and yet insinuates you are just a coward for not trying to talk to strangers and ask women out at every opportunity.

We can choose what we choose to believe

 

It never used to be that bad
But neither was it great
Somewhere in the middle then
Content and much too safe
Ooh tell me please
Why it takes so long
To realise when there’s something wrong?

                                                                    Crowded House, Now We’re Getting Somewhere.

 

I forced myself to go out for my weekly walk this afternoon despite still feeling quite exhausted.Far too much considering I have done nothing much all week. I did not get up until 11.10 after waking early and not falling asleep again for several hours.  Although I have taken no tablets or medication of any kind my mind still feels completely different as it has all week. I am either going through spiritual enlightenment or going mental. Is there a difference? Unfortunately I still get highly irritated by people in my way but at least the feelings of misery have subsided somewhat and I also had two bouts of unreality although not as strong as last week, one next to the cathedral. Perhaps it was divine intervention.

I have also had neck pain quite often so it could be wonky connections to the brain. I think its probably due to hitting myself in the back of the neck a few years ago with a large pebble from LLandudno beach. It still cracks loudly when I move my head sometimes. It was after I had watched a documentary about how they killed out of control elephants by using a large nail and mallet to the back of its neck and thought it was a good idea for me. At the time I really did feel like dying but it was late at night and I was drunk.However, when I am not drunk I realise it would probably just paralyse me from the neck down.and leave me with even less control. Today, I made no eye contact with any strangers whatsoever while out walking. F**k em. I wish I could find something decent to watch on Netflix.

Symptoms of Depression

1.  Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

What?Who?When? Yes, My memory is not so good any more. I forget things.

2. Fatigue and decreased energy

Yes, I feel exhausted now and dont go out much.

3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Of course I am guilty, if you have social anxiety there is always some know it all making out you deserve to suffer for being a coward unlike them who were so, so brave and they keep telling everyone for good measure. They have apparently never had depression themselves so think you are lying.

 4. Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Well I am due to become homeless  if I cant get a job in a few years and have never had a relationship even though I am over 40 and dont speak to other people for weeks on end. Wouldn’t most people be hopeless?

  5.  Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Oh yes, thankfully i am in the sleeping too much mode right now before the insomnia kicks back in. I’ve had about 25 years of this on and off.

  6.  Irritability, restlessness

Jesus Christ yes. I feel like one of those bison that wants to charge people if they get too close in YouTube videos about Yellowstone park.Not a good idea when shopping at Tesco. Perhaps I should go on a meetup and make friends! I am sure they love miserable loners with massive paranoia and social ineptitude! Then they can blame me for not being friendly and sociable enough!

7. Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Well never having sex in my entire life is part of the problem of course. I never really had many hobbies anyway due to being a mad loner.

   8. Overeating or appetite loss

Not really. I still get hungry and am slightly overweight.

   9. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Oh yes, the aches are getting worse, My digestive system goes haywire and head aches and pains all the time. Must stop punching myself in the head!

10. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings

Well I have had those since school to be honest, almost daily. Never ending social anxiety, having no friends or a partner and people treating me like a c**t while other people still saying its my fault for not trying hard enough sort of do that to you.

11. Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Oh, I so wish I had the guts. Its messy though. The NHS treat you like scum if you survive so better do it properly when its time.

What’s it all really worth?

Put away these things that stand in between us.
Let us be what we can.
When it seems, hopeless.
When it seems, hopeless.
Make tomorrow, make tomorrow, make tomorrow today.

I am trying to keep busy with various things and not dwell on my problems as I then become hopeless as I still cant see a way out and most advice seems to imagine you are under 30 and have loads of time left or are highly motivated when I am really feeling like the living dead. I sometimes get quite strong waves of depression that hit me almost like physical pain or a sickness and all I can do is ride them out and wait for them to pass. Almost every day is the same with little respite.

Last week I started getting strange feelings again like being detached from reality combined with sweating, headaches and feeling dizzy.  I have had them before and then they go away again sometimes for years. However they appear to be getting stronger. Last month I had them every day for  a week and on Sunday about 12 times in one day. When I looked the symptoms up online it sounded similar to a panic attack but it feels very different as I get distinct memories from a previous time and even when I wake up out of a dream. It could be the effects of  hay-fever tablets or all the self harm headbanging when I was younger. I feel like I ‘d like to go soon as long as its quick as I dont think this situation is salvageable any more without divine intervention and feeling such intense sadness and longing  for so many years without hope is not worth it any more.

 

 

Awareness

 

“There’s no time to lose”, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind
Ain’t life unkind?

 

I don’t think I was even aware of the term social anxiety until I was in my thirties and came across it online when looking up shyness. Before that I had only heard the term shy and it was far too humiliating to even speak about let alone see a doctor.  I was so bad I could not even go to night clubs or any event where I was expected to speak to strangers and quickly found out that most attractive girls never spoke first or approached men, they don’t have to I suppose. I did have the odd friend at work (all male)but they never stayed friends for long and we did not go out socialising like young people are supposed to do.

You see when it’s so bad you are sweating and incapable of coherent speech, you don’t keep doing it again. Nobody wants to see you again anyway or asks you out again. You become a pariah, a weirdo, a freak. So the accusation of cowardice because you simply did not force yourself to keep going out to social occasions to confront your shyness is once again complete bollocks,probably from somebody who thinks that everyone is the same as them or has never had crippling social anxiety. Even the difference in behaviour between males and female is highly significant especially when it comes to dating and is yet almost completely ignored which just shows how delusional people are.

I tried lots of things with the occasional friends from work but nothing worked for long. People get bored of you if you are mental and no fun to be with so they leave and your confidence collapses further. You get worse, not better. I tried going to the gym for a while, playing squash and tennis, snooker and pool, odd days out like going on a paintball day from work, Blackpool with a friend, day trip to London, and Alton towers with 3 friends from work. They all left and I was always on my own again. People even think you make friends walking the dog! I walked several family dogs for over 10 years and barely had a conversation!

Relationships were always a non starter. I never saw any girl’s apart from at work and they never spoke to me first, well none that I liked or found attractive and I could never do witty banter without blushing and feeling like a freak. Other men often took the piss out of me, they ridiculed me as working class ignorant men do(when they are not talking about football). I also noticed females seemed to dislike me for being shy way more than males. Perhaps it’s because they assume all males should talk to them first and the only reason not to is rudeness or being a bad person. That didn’t give me greater confidence.

I never even considered there was much help. In fact I only started looking last year seriously at help for social anxiety in the UK. First it’s hard to get, second there is often up to a 12 month waiting list for therapy and third they expect you to be positive and enthusiastic when my motivation has collapsed to such an extent that I have started to plan for the end. Even worse is that the main thing CBT does is expect you to make a list of all your worst case social situations and then confront them.  I have been avoidant for over 40 years so expecting me to obey a therapist is unlikely.  It is also far less likely to work for people who also have depression.  So I was right, there is virtually no help if you get to this stage especially at an older age, past 40.

Yet the internet is full of people pretending there is great help and that social anxiety is highly treatable. Yes under certain circumstances I am sure it is but 9/10 people never even seek help as the stigma or shame is too great. Perhaps they just learn to cope and get by. 1 in 4 pull out of CBT as it’s far too humiliating, I would not say hard work as some do. Fighting social anxiety is not the same as hard work. I could do hard physical work easily as I did for 20 years in my job until my joints got worse and I had to take an office job. Exposure therapy is by contrast to hard work,humiliating, embarrassing shameful and if done wrong can make you far worse. That’s a huge difference. And since people with chronic social anxiety will do anything to avoid more embarrassment it doesn’t work unless done slowly and graded which the NHS is shit at as there is no money left and they push you too fast.  And finally when they checked two years later with people who had undertaken CBT they found that the majority had regressed to the same level as prior to therapy.

Perhaps the people it works best on have to be under a certain age, have no depression or other mental problems and are highly motivated, have a good support network like friends or family and maybe perhaps it even works best on females as there is a greater stigma attached to shy men like being weak and women usually don’t have to chat men up. I suspect there are way more male virgins/loners than female in society simply as the man has to approach and chat up women. Long term unemployed men and single men are much more likely to suffer depression and commit suicide for instance. There are some things that are worse for men without being sexist.

A day in the life……..

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This was inspired after reading a post about someone dealing with depression in an average week of their lives.

I decide to clean the bathroom for something to do. Sleep ranges from going to bed early and not wanting to get up at all to chronic insomnia where I am still awake at 4AM and then wake up 3 hours later to feel exhausted all day. Dreams are often anxiety related where everything goes wrong or I am constantly looking for toilets. Even the devil has visited me on occasion. Its not exactly peaceful slumber or rest.

Go on the internet but there are no sites I use regularly or make me feel better and I have felt a pariah on the anxiety forums for a long time so they offer no support or help. Too mad to help? Probably. They all seem younger and make witty banter at each other.It’s ironic that the social anxiety forums help people who are the most normal, that is chatty, friendly, positive, go out and do stuff and have things to talk about but make those with the worst anxiety feel even lonelier.

I only have one friend on the planet and they live in another city so only see them about 4 times per year although I do stay a week. We exchange emails almost daily but that only takes a few minutes. That leaves 48 weeks a year on my own. That’s 48 X 7 X 24 = 8064 hours of being with my-self. No wonder I am mad. I am very bad company even for me. Learn to love yourself.? What the F**K are you on about?  You might as well say believe in pixies.

Go shopping at the supermarket 3/4 times per week. I try to get in and out as quickly as possible. Doing this for years has not led to habituation. In fact it feels worse as I rush around trying not to barge into people. I never speak to anyone on any walks either. Even the cashiers seem to sense a weird loser. Small talk is non existent. I could not make any witty banter and sound natural or friendly even if I had a gun to my head so therapy for social anxiety sounds like a really shit idea if the expect you to speak to strangers and be sociable.. Social anxiety is highly treatable my arse! Teachers picking on you to speak more in class because you were so quiet DIDN’T work! They made me worse!

Every evening I watch TV and drink alcohol. It’s the only thing to offer any relief from anxious thoughts although only temporary. I don’t have any favourite shows any more as they just merge into oneness and I often fall asleep watching Youtube videos.The downward spiral continues and the urge to not exist becomes stronger each day. But don’t mention the S word (Suicide) as you get called selfish and told it will upset OTHER people.

If you mention social anxiety people just suggest you go to some weird meet that you really have little interest in and then demand you make witty banter with strangers who will probably just annoy you or think you a miserable loner. Thats because I am! Telling someone with chronic social anxiety to just get out more is really no different than saying “Don’t be shy”. It’s the same as telling a depressed person to “Just cheer up.” Anxiety and depression are common together and much harder to treat and yet still mostly not understood even by the medical profession. They have separate therapy for each but put them together and its chaos theory and guesswork. Must go now, its time to hoover the stairs.