Overthinking

Even thinking too much about my social anxiety had me drinking more and taking a sleeping tablet again last night as the anxiety starting to escalate and I was still awake at 2AM going over things in my head. An overwhelming desire to die becomes ever closer if only to end this mental turmoil,guilt and shame. If guilt over not doing enough is supposed to motivate shy people into action then is it OK if it makes them want to commit suicide as well? Are the imbeciles who do this not aware of how close you are to the edge? How you have been thinking of death since the school years when this really began to get bad and you realised what a freak you were.

You see when lack of motivation and depression start to overwhelm me then this guilt only makes me much worse and believe there is nothing left so death becomes quite a sensible option. Exposure therapy? Go F**K yourself!  Once again an important aspect of social anxiety totally ignored on self help sites and in books even though one in three people with long term SA have depression. Yet its barely even talked about on any social anxiety help site. Doing things at a right graded level is important and is why people attempting too much too soon get set backs and give up. Yet lots of self  help advice says never turn ANY social situation down.  Constant contradictions. Guilt and shame from others often makes us do anything as if it will help. For instance I did loads of things when younger that did not work and actually made my anxiety even worse because I failed due to people treating me like shit if I acted shy or nervous or awkward. Not paranoia, they do.

As I walked down the street yesterday afternoon I attempted to make eye contact with several people. As mentioned previously this is an idea for easy exposure exercises in several self help books.Even then I wore dark glasses and it was still f**king hard. It doesn’t feel natural at all and I am still not sure normal people(those without anxiety) do it at all. It feels like staring at or judging people and I have never liked someone looking at me for very long. One younger woman gave me a look like I was a twat so I stopped. It was just like being back at work again! There is no way I would go even further and smile at strangers and say hello as the books advise as the next step. I think the problem is there is absolutely nothing to bridge the gap from near total isolation, paranoia and suicidal thoughts to making first contact with real life humans and not coming across as a depressing weirdo or mad. Even most exposure therapy seems to ignore the obvious social skills and etiquette required for the most basic conversations and assumes you will be positive and friendly if you just force yourself to talk to strangers.

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