Fear of Fear

Actually I find it very hard to come up with a list of things I avoid due to anxiety that I need to do and in which I would implement into a fear hierarchy list. I have been avoidant for all these years . Do you really think a few words from a therapist is going to change that?

Number one is obviously a job and looking for work after my redundancy.  Of course the absolutely enormous  gap in employment and lack of any references and not being able to stand up for very long or do manual work only exacerbates this. Oh, I wonder why I am so negative!

Dating? Sure if Steph from Neighbours was available and brainwashed to like me I might reconsider but at my age?  I dont really like the idea of sex much and most people my age are quite frankly past it(yes men and women!) so I would likely not be able to find anyone I found attractive and who liked me in return and was STILL AVAILABLE in a million years which would only increase my depression and negativity.  Do you really think men in their late forties all fantasise about women their own age? Bollocks do they. Its just that they cant get anyone younger unless they are rich or famous so make do. Would Don the Trump really be married to someone like Ivana if he was a bus driver? This is even ignoring my long term unemployment which is huge no, no to most women on all lists. Equality or not women still crave a good provider, not a bum.

What else? I would avoid public speaking but then so would most people. Its a common fear even for normals. I have no need to do it and would not practice it and would not even consider a job that required it. I would like to have some friends  but my only hobbies are walking and photography and are the only things I would consider if I can find meetup groups in my city. I’d probably then go once, make a twat of myself and convince myself they hate me. Yes I do have paranoia but people really do hate miserable quiet loners so perhaps its quite true and all the motivational crap is well actually crap.

I avoided learning to drive, swimming, going abroad and lots of other things but have no desire or money to do them now anyway.  The other things they advise for getting used to strangers such as talking to cashiers, strangers on the street may help but also may drive me insane as I am as miserable as hell so I will do badly and get even more avoidant.(if that’s possible.) I have to shop for food now and have absolutely no desire to know what my cashier at Tesco thinks about the weather and any talk would not be sincere at all but a chore.

They also advise sitting in a cafe alone every week and having a coffee as if being a sad loner will make you more sociable. Of course they dont have a clue about my self conscious mind and my paranoia that would make me think people were laughing at me,get more anxious and then people would laugh at me so I would get worse. And more importantly I have no desire to drink alone in cafes ever anyway.

I just need to get a job then. F**K all this shit about doing a hierarchy list. I better stop looking at all these self help sites. They only make me feel even more hopeless due to their insistence that there is help for social anxiety and then just calling you a big cowardly cissy if you dont go and do everything you fear entirely on your own with actually no help whatsoever. They even seem astounded that sad loners suffering from depression for years are not positive and enthusiastic. Perhaps they’re the mad ones.





Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

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