Saturday Afternoon Walk


I went on three hour walk again this afternoon to local gardens as it was quite sunny and saw this butterfly. I try to at least go on a longer walk once a week instead of sitting indoors and hearing the neighbours dog bark every 3.4 seconds. I still felt paranoid and quite mad walking there and back though and started talking to myself as I often do when getting agitated.  I have been doing this and many other walks for 10 years so why do I not achieve habituation as the books advocate through constant exposure? I think this shows that my state of mind matters far more than just doing something over and over again and not getting attacked or beaten up does not make me stop being anxious or paranoid.

I also made more small attempts to make eye contact with different people without feeling like a creepy weirdo. Yet three separate attractive young women all gave me a look as if I was a c**t.  Perhaps that’s because attractive younger women dont want older men looking at them at all and shows the stupidity of advice in self help books as if everyone is happy and friendly. When they say make eye contact at different people do they really mean only people your own age but are too stupid to realise they have to specify exactly to people who are mad?

Its like demanding you make small talk with strangers in an elevator on any subject like it really doesn’t matter.  Really, can I talk about my itchy bollocks? No? Then specify! “Oh I am just making excuses!” Shall I talk about the weather? What again and again and again with every person I see? Do I have to appear happy and enthusiastic as well?  Well that’s me f**ked then!  I haven’t found my witty banter button yet. I am sure I must have one somewhere.

However it does not look good for the next idea of smiling at random strangers and saying hello to them. I am just certain that I wont come across as a creepy weirdo (especially younger women!)and that loads of people will smile back at me and say hello and my confidence will absolutely sky rocket! It must be a great idea as its in more than one self help book. Perhaps not.



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