A Sense of Purpose

Its hard to say I have been much more avoidant in the last few years as I did not have much social interaction anyway since I lost my job. However even the day trips and walks in the countryside have been much harder. I have read about this happening for people as their depression got worse and motivation often collapses. I  feel intense anxiety even at the thought of using trains and buses now and visiting the same places as usual does not have the appeal as they once did.

I think this probably comes down to helping to look after my dying mother over the last few year of her life. The dementia was particularly bad at times and having to visit her in hospital sometimes for months at a time. Seeing somebody basically fall to pieces in body and mind like that was pretty traumatic to say the least.  The care home was also a very depressing place to visit. Lots of old people waiting for death, many with no family visits at all.  Are they allowed to be negative? It changed me.  Also having no support from a family means there is nothing to go back to at the end. Everything stopped to look after her as a priority since she was basically an invalid in the last few years.  That become a motivation, my purpose, trying to keep her alive. Now that she has gone that motivation has gone  and there is no reason or purpose. Finding motivation for myself when there is so little pleasure in life and the future looks absolutely dire is particularly hard.



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