Nerd!

I often wonder if I am somewhat biased in my views and perhaps also bitter and twisted as well considering I am an older male virgin in a world that treats male virgins with total ridicule, contempt and like the scum of the earth and I of course I often dont speak to real humans for weeks on end so may already be mental anyway.  However I read this on the shyness and social anxiety guys website today.

Frankly, It Doesn’t Matter If Girls Like Shy/Quiet Guys…Because if you can’t go talk to her and ask her on a date… then it doesn’t make any difference IF a girl likes you. Either way, you’re still going to be alone because you’re too scared of rejection to make a move.

As a man, YOU are the one who is expected to initiate almost everything when it comes to dating. YOU will have to risk rejection every step of the way if you want to start dating and get a girlfriend.

  • Everything from starting a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to…
  • Being expected to keep it going in the beginning…
  • Asking for her phone number…
  • Planning and setting up the date…
  • Trying to avoid the friend zone…
  • Going for the kiss…
  • Later leading everything to the bedroom…
  • And so on…”

Goes too  far? Inaccurate or the undeniable truth? Almost everything he says has been pretty damn accurate in regards to my own experience(apart from any actual sex related obviously). However for me it was being scared of blushing and stuttering and open ridicule and contempt rather being scared of rejection. I never even got to the making pleasant small talk with a girl I liked, let alone getting to the stage of asking her out.Like I said before I worked in a large company with plenty of females for TWENTY years. I know I only saw most of them in the canteen but did any show interest in me first, initiate conversion with me first or ask me out? Of course not. Perhaps I was the world’s ugliest man but you should have seen some of the freaks I worked with and they all got some one.

Actually there were about 3 girls that showed some interest in me, only because they knew I liked them first and then of course when I failed to approach them and chat them up or acted awkward due to my anxiety they disliked me quite intensely and gave me evil looks along with their friends.One of them actually asked another guy in the canteen if I was mental and loud enough for me to hear!  When I got to the bus stop to go home after work one day I heard one girl say”Oh dont look at him, he wont do anything!” Yes because as a male its simply assumed and expected of me to speak first just as the above article says. “I must impress the females with my witty banter!”  It almost reminds me of one of those little birds doing a courtship dance to impress the female on a nature documentary.  Fascinating that most women wont risk rejection first but the man is expected to or he is called a coward. Perhaps this is why so many young men are so cocky and confident. They evolved to be in order to have the guts to make the first move or the human race would have died out long ago.

This is even better/more truthful:

“But Some Women Love Shy Guys”

Occasionally I will run across a woman writer in a blog or forum who claims that “We love shy guys!” I find this hard to believe, since I spent most of my school years watching the cutest girls go out with the more confident, popular or charismatic guys.But I try to keep an open mind, and I think I now understand what women mean when they say “shy guy.” She imagines a guy who is well-liked and cool, and maybe also a bit quirky or artistic. The guy who may talk a bit less than other people, but he’s self assured on the inside and isn’t afraid to speak up when he wants to.

Again I think this is highly accurate. Many women imagine a nerdy guy who is cute and sweet and sensitive. In reality a shy guy who is cripplingly shy is treated exactly in the same way as a the creepy weirdo.  In fact I mentioned once before  a very shy guy at work who was working up courage all day to talk to a girl he liked out in the car park before he drove home and she reported him for harassment because he was acting weird and creepy! Weird and creepy to most women is EXACTLY THE SAME AS VERY SHY! He then had a mental breakdown and was actually hearing voices speaking to him from the radio and had to leave! Yet the  blokes at work had egged him on all day and told him to do this with classic lines such “Be a man! What’s the worst that could happen?”

In fact even on social anxiety websites now they still insist as a man you just force yourself to approach and chat to every single attractive female you see so you get used to it! For crippling social anxiety this is absolutely F**King useless. Its almost guaranteed to make you worse! In fact many very shy men doing this would probably also get reported for harassment or just told to “F**K off you creep!” This is what I was also getting at in my last post with the vampire theme. All self help sites seem to imagine the shy guy is like Robert Pattinson. Cute and attractive but just a bit quiet, mysterious and different. In reality the shy guy probably looks more like Mr Bean but blushes more and is even more socially inept!

 

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

2 thoughts on “Nerd!”

  1. I hear what you’re saying and as a female I think it would be incredibly hard for a guy to approach a girl and I have often thought how it always is up to the guy to initiate things. That’s tough for someone who has social anxiety and totally agree that to do this over and over again and be rejected would be excruciating not therapeutic as some therapists suggest. Exposure tgerapy can be torture! I think it might be better to find a really chatty person to ask out. This is someone who is socially adept. Someone who you can learn a lot from in how they interact with others. How they say things when they approach etc. SO that you can find a way to ask girls without it being a situation where you get badly rejected. It might be something like “hey you and I should do something sometime” – just to test the waters and see whether you get a positive reaction or not. This is not a definite request it’s just seeing how she feels about a potential situation with no definite commitment. But it does get her thinking about you! If sheis interested and you get a non committal positive response like – ‘yeah ok/ maybe, then you could say well maybe coffee sometime then. Then take it further or leave it go for another time if you want. This may not work- it is just a suggestion from my female perspective. My kids and I learned to deal with my social anxiety by improving our social skills and I did that by learning from others who were more successful at social interactions. As for that girl who said don’t talk to him, he doesn’t do anything. Confront her and ask her what the hell she meant! She doesn’t know you or give you a chance. It is not cool to be so judgemental about work colleagues.

  2. Thank for the reply,
    Actually most of this is from my distant past now although it still haunts me. The girl at the bus stop is over 20 years ago now. My SA at its worst which was in my twenties was so bad that even speaking to a girl I liked without blushing and stammering was almost impossible so getting to the stage of asking her out was not even on the agenda for me especially with my sexual problems. I actually avoided girls even more at one stage to stop the shame and embarrassment and often ridicule. And of course I never went out anywhere or did anything anyway or had any idea of what to do.

    Being long term unemployed and still thinking I could become homeless I really have no motivation to have a relationship now anyway. I am much older too, well over 40 so it feels too late. In fact apart from one friend I see a few times a year the only people offline I occasionally speak to at all are cashiers at the supermarket so relationships are a million miles away. Depression and feelings of hopelessness are more a problem at the moment than anxiety which is why seeing a doctor and asking for CBT for social anxiety seems futile to me as they demand you are optimistic and committed.

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