Motivated for what?

I have still come across nothing that really gives me the motivation and enthusiasm to carry on. There was a post on the forum about someone surviving a Nazi concentration camp and how he wrote a book about it. Yet lots of people in camps killed others, stole the food off of the weak and collaborated with the Nazis so does survival prove anything apart from having the instinct to do whatever it takes to live? It does not necessary prove better morals.

I am too old to have a family now. Getting any kind of job that I dont hate looks ludicrously hard. And why the f**k would I want to just survive working in a factory or other shit job on low wages just to watch the TV at night. My body aches a lot now and I find exercise harder than I used to so manual work would probably kill me.

Lots of motivation seems to just bully or shame people to carry on, to fight to survive. It ignores all problems as excuses and is nothing more in reality than survival of the fittest. Its the same with help for social anxiety. They are obsessed with telling you how much hard work it is and yet also seem amazed that so many people dont want to do it or give up. I would almost certainly go to war if I was young enough and had to fight just as my grandfathers both did in WW1. Yet doing a hierarchy list for CBT? No chance! Fear of humiliation is worse than fear of pain or even death. Thats what so many therapists just dont get and why they should resign. Extreme social anxiety will make you do anything to avoid humiliation,shame and ridicule. Even non existence is preferable.

Giving people hope is what keeps them alive and the motivation to carry on and yet in reality most self help sites and advice is useless at doing this and is more content with ridiculing you as a loser or not worthy of success if you are not already motivated. Its like being told that some people win the lottery so you can too even though the chances are many millions to one. Thats because life is incredibly hard if you have certain problems especially mental health. You have had no normality in years then you dont have the confidence to carry on or believe any more.

Living alone for long periods of time and even never having a relationship is one of the worst things possible for mental well-being and general physical health and yet chronic social anxiety is more likely to create loneliness than virtually any other common mental health or physical condition yet you get nothing but ridicule for not trying hard enough.


Getting Medieval

So yesterday I went to some local medieval festival. There have been several events on over the last two weeks as part of the annual city festival which was started a few years ago. Going out and taking pictures helps. I suppose it forms some kind of routine which is why they tell you to do stuff all the time to take your mind of being a completely isolated lunatic who speaks to himself all day. The problem is now its over there is nothing to do again and so the monotony and depression reignites.  Perhaps I should be a re-enactor. If I wore a helmet all day it would also help to hide my face and act as another safety behaviour. Much better than sunglasses if rather more noticeable. I could then dress as a medieval knight to go shopping at Tesco. The way this city is going, wearing armour and carrying a sword will be essential in a few years time.


No Motivation,Too Negative? Go F**K Yourself!

I am still interested in how much choice we really have in the way we think and what we do. Do we chose to be negative? If yes then do we also choose to be depressed? Yes, no? Are some emotions valid but not others. One in three people with long term anxiety apparently get depression so of course many are going to be negative. Some even kill themselves.  Yet on forums and even sometimes on here we are panned for being too negative as if its simple a choice and no different than simply choosing to have extra ketchup on my chips. If negativity is a choice is being shy or being anxious. Can I simply choose to be confident and burst into witty banter because a stranger on the net tells me to?

Again I feel much of this is simply evolution. Positive people are more likely to succeed so are applauded and liked while negative people end up failures so are ignored and avoided.No different than avoiding homeless people as potential dates really. I say this as I saw a bit of a dating show earlier during the break from watching Neighbours hosted by the girl from Gogglebox where they pick people on the street to go on a potential date with. Pick the homeless man sitting on the pavement behind you I cried! The only reason she didn’t even consider him is that we are all judgemental and homeless people are losers. Ugly people,weird people, strange people. They all have trouble getting a partner(unless they’re rich and then its easy!)

We are just so used to thinking this way that we ignore its all because of evolution.By implying that we choose to be negative then we deserve to suffer, not get better and receive no support or help. Its our own fault! Even though being socially anxious is entirely due to other people. Human behaviour being cruel and selfish. After all I have not done the HARD WORK to get better by forcing myself to make witty banter with strangers at bus stops about the weather (while being careful not to come across as a creepy weirdo if I speak to females) even though I did real hard work by having a job for 20 years.

I am bound to be somewhat negative as a 786 year old who has never dated and am long term unemployed and socially isolated who often thinks that suicide might be the only alternative to being homeless. So are older people with social anxiety more guilty for having longer and still not doing enough to cure themselves? There seems to be quite a few of them(older people) that still come on the forum. Do I have to validate my shyness? Perhaps some people have different problems, perhaps some regress after life changing situations, perhaps some and I know that this is difficult to take but some might be much more anxious than others and not everyone’s anxiety is identical. After all much of the advice seems to imagine if you just force yourself to approach strangers you often make great banter! They never take blushing, stammering and acting awkward into account at all so how do you cure yourself of that first? Come to think of it how do I cure myself of depression first so I am not miserable and irritable and have absolutely no motivation to even try any more? Bully it into me? Guilt trip me? No, doesn’t work. It just makes me want to kill you. F**k off you judgemental wanker! You have absolutely no F**king idea!( Directed at lots of arseholes on anxiety forums and self help sites)

Almost all of the advice is shit and contradictory, all of it.

Support Forum?

I think I have pretty much said many times that I have a fairly bad opinion of some support forums for anxiety.  Its hard with mental health problems as you may be paranoid anyway but there is always the opinion that you are being deliberately ignored like you are boring or a nuisance and thus actually increasing your feelings of being disliked and so actually lowering self esteem.(on a forum that’s supposed to help.)

When I first joined SAUK(Social Anxiety UK)I had the naive idea that I would connect with people having exactly the same problems as me. Finally people would understand me!  I would emphasise and sympathise with them and they would do the same with me and I would even make online friends and feel connected for the first time in my life. After all isn’t what support forums are supposed to be for? In reality I would have had more luck at a Donald Trump convention dressed as Hilary Clinton and probably  come across nicer more tolerant people too. What? Too far again? My experience of SAUK is that I have often come across some of the nastiest, selfish people one could wish to meet and the sort of people you would travel several miles to avoid. In fact they claim to help their anxiety by going on meets when after reading some of them online I would be in two minds as to if I should take an axe with me, maybe three dragons and a Dothraki horde too.

Meanwhile the same group of people seem to talk to each other each day while demanding there are no cliques. If you are not totally ignored you often get a quite hostile, sarcastic or snidey reply to a quite normal post which you would not expect even if you had called someone’s mother a whore. Its that bad. Its been that bad for years.  In fact only last night I had such a reply when I was not in any way being hostile or aggressive and it got me into such a state of anger I had trouble sleeping. And yet this is normal on such forums. You either get ignored or attacked. Anger issues?

Oh and f**k me are they politically correct or what? I realise at over 40 it may be a generational thing but the slightest comment is seen as racist, sexist, homophobic, transgenderist, fattist or some other thing they invent to feel morally superior. If this is what western schools and colleges are producing now then the future is truly F**ked. Snowflake generation libtards who demand everyone must like what they like, hate what they hate and think what they think unless of course you are a different race or religion and then equality flies out the window and you are a even racist for daring to point out well actually many African, Asian and middle eastern countries have the highest levels of intolerance to women, homosexuals and every other kind of minority you can think of, not England you dumb f**ks. If you disagree with this then you are probably a libtard yourself so F**K off!

I think when you are a bit mad and not exactly stable mentally then using such sites can push you over the edge. I made one real life friend from using the forum but in all other regards using SAUK which is the main social anxiety forum for the UK and second only to the American site in size has been an absolutely awful experience which has not only made my anxiety and paranoia worse but has left me thinking that many people with social anxiety are well complete bastards, especially the ones who claim to be better and then belittle other people for being cowardly and not doing the hard work. I often think they are just attention seeking as if they were really that much better they wouldn’t be so ANGRY all the time.

At times its like trying to break in to a secret club while treading on eggshells in case the slightest thing somehow upsets people who almost seem to enjoy taking offence often on behalf of others.I also think its quite common for people with SA to copy the behaviour of their parents which gave them their anxiety in the first place so they then just pass it on to others. I once likened using SAUK to using sandpaper for wiping my arse when I have chronic diarrhoea. It just makes things worse. In conclusion just because some people suffer the same condition does not mean they are especially good at giving support or help to others. Blind leading the blind?


I went to an Asian festival at the weekend as we have one of the biggest Asian communities in the UK living here. Alone of course. Its really the photography element that interests me at most of these events as it can be quite colourful although hard to capture with so many people in the way. I also think its easier to hide behind the camera as people cant see my  face.I already use sunglasses and a peaked cap.Perhaps I should permanently wear a helmet like Darth Vader.

I was still a bit jumpy. My mood can be al over the place. In fact I took another sleeping tablet last night as I was still awake at 3AM. It interests me that after going to numerous such events for over 10 years that I dont find them any easier to attend and I still dont like crowds of people around me much. It proves that just doing something over and over again does not lead to habituation. Perhaps that is because you would need to do them every day and for several hours and this is why exposure therapy does not always work. Many social situations are impossible to make last for over 90 minutes as recommended and then to do them every day.  This is why going to the gym once a week may not work as it would have to be combined with doing things almost every day.


Influences from the distant past

Its hardly a coincidence that many people with stable lives and positive mindsets had stable and good upbringings and that so many people who are screwed up had bad upbringings. A good proportion of our prison systems and homeless populations have mentally ill people in them. So how much of what we have become and our lives is a choice and within our own grasp and how much is beyond our control? We like to believe that it all is as that gives us control. I am not so  sure any-more. My grandmother had problems and so did my mother and most of my uncles and aunties on that side of the family. My own brother and sister have anxiety and so do some of our cousins.

Some people will say that this is just an excuse to pass the blame and evade personal responsibility.  However my anxiety, depression and negativity is a mirror image of my mothers so this was all passed on through either genetics or learned behaviour probably both. A fear of impending doom and thinking the worst has been there since childhood and has never left. Having a happy stable upbringing would have almost certainly resulted in a different personality and greater chance of success and contentment.

So you are put here with these problems and if you cant solve them and become successful yourself then you are blamed as if its entirely your own fault when most people who succeed never had to go though them in the first place. Of course I am the only one who can now do anything about this but I did not know about SA until I was in my thirties,most things did not work and there is not much help available on the NHS anyway so people demanding you get help and that will definitely cure you are completely deluded.

Even going to the supermarket makes me feel jumpy now. Today the cashier actually said something and laughed. I had no idea what she was on about and no witty banter appeared in my head so I just so Oh and tried to smile. I probably looked a twat. You see just demanding you say witty banter at strangers does snot work if you are a feeling bad, that is why so much advice for social anxiety is absolute shit and does not work as if you are a nervous and on edge to begin with then all normal conversation goes out of the window even if someone speaks to me first. Forcing yourself to speak and when nervous or anxious nearly always results in failure and greater anxiety.

How Will You Go?

Escape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How Will You Go? Crowded House

I think the overwhelming sadness is one of the harder things to cope with. Its always been there since I was a little boy. The not fitting in or feeling normal, the family always being a bit strange and the underlying tension, the complete lack of security as if always standing on a cliff edge and feeling like at any time I would be pushed over. This started at school which I absolutely hated and never really stopped.

Then people say its your fault for not trying hard enough, heaping yet more guilt on a mind racked with self doubt for decades when of course most people dont even have to try that hard because these things are supposed to be normal and available to everyone. You didn’t ask to be this way but if you dont do everything they say to be normal its still all your own fault.

Sometimes I want to lie down and cry and yet no one else must know as they dont really understand and most dont care anyway.  Self pity is reviled from society especially from people who think its all your own fault as you did not work as hard as them. In fact people who have supposedly recovered are often the most critical of all as they were hard on themselves to succeed and so think that gives them the right to be just as hard on you too. It doesn’t, they’re simply selfish ass-holes.  All the hopes and dreams you had for yourself are pretty much gone forever now. You mourn for what you could/should of had, that love you always wanted, the family life and children that would have been yours but for a minor alteration in the wiring of your brain. All those fantasies and hopes you you waited your whole  life for did not happen, they stayed just fantasies.

I dont much care now if its all over. I keep finding myself saying  I want to go quite often as its all becoming tiresome and boring. I dont see much hope for the future and absolutely no self help site, book or person has shown me any whatsoever. In fact for many people optimism seems to be no more than a delusional fantasy based on making things up that they like the sound of. The more I look for hope the more depressed I become as quite simply if you’re mental,weird or different its hard to fit in to normal society as they dont want you. If there is some kind of afterlife or not who cares. Existence in misery is no kind of life at all. The hope of youth, that it would all change and come good one day like the end of a story has vanished long ago. The only thing I have learnt from life is the unfairness and random nature of it.  Some of the worst of mankind have everything while so many good people have nothing.