Getting hard to breathe, It’s getting so hard to believe
To believe in anything at all, but FEAR
Peter Gabriel , Mother of Violence.
I had wanted to phone the doctor today and make an appointment about my madness. But of course I didn’t. Even that requires motivation, optimism, the belief that there is possibly a way out of this pain, some kind of escape. I think its after yesterday reading through some online books on social anxiety again and thinking all the advice to be totally preposterous and in no way any help to me at all. Social anxiety websites and books all convince me that there is absolutely no help or way out whatsoever and that death is a certainty. I then think about all this mixed up shit until the early hours, have difficulty sleeping and have stressful dreams. And this is before I even do therapy. F**k relaxation exercises and mindfulness. You may as well tell someone who is going to be burned alive at the stake tomorrow to try and relax.
As a result I felt jumpy and irritable well into the afternoon. I went to the supermarket later on and although the tills were empty I deliberately went to the self service just so I would not have to talk to a stranger or have any interaction at all. The idea of exposure therapy and that i should force myself to approach cashiers or shop staff ,smile and make pleasant conversation about the weather is so absurd it has started to make me think therapist are actually insane themselves. An awkward man just irritates people so they show you contempt or irritation and that makes you feel worse. God knows why they think that things always go better than you imagine.Every failure makes me want to self harm or die. I have absolutely no conviction anyway as all this shit is forced and completely insincere with no belief.
As a result I am actually starting to drink even more and punch myself in the head again, because I looked for help. I am also getting pains in the chest and shortness of breathe which I have never had before. I dont believe that social anxiety is highly treatable at all with CBT as it requires blind obedience. It also only seems to work on people who are already highly motivated and not depressed and tries to shame or guilt trip you into action thus making self harm more likely for those that cant do it. Even this may not last in the long term according to research.