Hard to Believe in Anything at All


Getting hard to breathe, It’s getting so hard to believe
To believe in anything at all, but FEAR

Peter Gabriel , Mother of Violence.


I had wanted to phone the doctor today and make an appointment about my madness. But of course I didn’t.  Even that requires motivation, optimism, the belief that there is possibly a way out of this pain, some kind of escape. I think its after yesterday reading through some online books on social anxiety again and thinking all the advice to be totally  preposterous and in no way any help to me at all. Social anxiety websites and books all convince me that there is absolutely no help or way out whatsoever and that death is a certainty. I then think about all this mixed up shit until the early hours, have difficulty sleeping and have stressful dreams. And this is before I even do therapy. F**k relaxation exercises and mindfulness.  You may as well tell someone who is going to be burned alive at the stake tomorrow to try and relax.

As a result I felt jumpy and irritable well into the afternoon. I went to the supermarket later on and although the tills were empty I deliberately went to the self service just so I would not have to talk to a stranger or have any interaction at all. The idea of exposure therapy and that i should force myself to approach cashiers or shop staff ,smile and make pleasant conversation about the weather is so absurd it has started to make me think therapist are actually insane themselves. An awkward man just irritates people so they show you contempt or irritation and that makes you feel worse. God knows why they think that things always go better than you imagine.Every failure makes me want to self harm or die. I have absolutely no conviction anyway as all this shit is forced and completely insincere with no belief.

As a result I am actually starting to drink even more and punch myself in the head again, because I looked for help. I am also getting pains in the chest and shortness of breathe which I have never had before. I dont believe that social anxiety is highly treatable at all with CBT as it requires blind obedience. It also only seems to work on  people who are already highly motivated and not depressed and tries to shame or guilt trip you into action thus making self harm more likely for those that cant do it. Even this may not last in the long term according to research.



6 thoughts on “Hard to Believe in Anything at All

  1. gravityNoMi August 8, 2017 / 2:45 pm

    Can’t we find some methode some hack out of this hell? Seriously i’m at the point where if someone told me that drinking bleach cures SA i would drink it …

  2. klodo August 8, 2017 / 3:26 pm

    Yes, I can understand that. I would eat mostly anything or even endure physical pain up to a point. The thing i cant do is put myself through lots more humiliation and embarrassment in the hope I will get used to it when it makes me want to kill myself. It might depend on your age as well as motivation though. If you can put up with exposure therapy then its worth a go. Even I got better at work for a while before I got made redundant. Depression and misery are as big an obstacle as anxiety for me at the moment as it all seems hopeless. Most anxiety advice ignores this.

  3. Chris Shaw August 9, 2017 / 8:43 pm

    My thoughts too! Seriously. It p****s me the hell off too. I was first shown CBT in about 2006. I’d had the anxiety already since about 2002 when I was 16. I learned how to try and identify and see what thoughts you have, to try and work against them in order to lessen them. Hmmm…I became very good at going this, well, to the best of my ability. Like you said, it’s like going into blindly. These days and years leading up to it, the idea of CBT makes me sick and I wouldn’t want to do it. I’d see some new therapist after all I’ve learned myself, and feel like it doesn’t even scratch the surface. I totally get what you’re saying here and I’m in the same boat. As for facing fears, well these days I’m getting to the point where I don’t even bother. Because going out and gritting my teeth, just gives me horrible headaches and I feel like I’m being awkward and fake and i cant stand it no more. I also drink in my time alone. I’ve tried really hard. I like your posts as my inner self feels the anger as you too express. 👍.

    • klodo August 9, 2017 / 9:53 pm

      Thanks, I am sure there are some good therapists around that really do help. Probably private though. My friend(yes I have one!) put in well in that CBT is more about getting people off benefits. You don’t deserve to have benefits when there is a cure and if you are ill in that way it then becomes your own fault because you haven’t tried hard enough. And of course whatever you do if it fails it always becomes your own fault for not trying hard enough or doing it right. Looking at some more online self help books is actually driving me insane. Every time I go to Tesco now I imagine trying to make awkward small talk about the weather and them tutting at me as if to say “Shut the f**k up!” Perhaps I should talk about North Korea!

    • klodo August 9, 2017 / 9:41 pm

      Thanks, I saw it last night. I might watch some more. Its interesting that so many people seem to be getting into mindfulness/meditation type things as a way of coping. I think its my best chance of any recovery. Just being pushed into repeated exposures by a therapist would probably finish me off. My mind and way of thinking need to be calm and better first before I could attempt some of the things I need to do.

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