How Will You Go?

Escape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How Will You Go? Crowded House

I think the overwhelming sadness is one of the harder things to cope with. Its always been there since I was a little boy. The not fitting in or feeling normal, the family always being a bit strange and the underlying tension, the complete lack of security as if always standing on a cliff edge and feeling like at any time I would be pushed over. This started at school which I absolutely hated and never really stopped.

Then people say its your fault for not trying hard enough, heaping yet more guilt on a mind racked with self doubt for decades when of course most people dont even have to try that hard because these things are supposed to be normal and available to everyone. You didn’t ask to be this way but if you dont do everything they say to be normal its still all your own fault.

Sometimes I want to lie down and cry and yet no one else must know as they dont really understand and most dont care anyway.  Self pity is reviled from society especially from people who think its all your own fault as you did not work as hard as them. In fact people who have supposedly recovered are often the most critical of all as they were hard on themselves to succeed and so think that gives them the right to be just as hard on you too. It doesn’t, they’re simply selfish ass-holes.  All the hopes and dreams you had for yourself are pretty much gone forever now. You mourn for what you could/should of had, that one love you always wanted, the family life and children that would have been yours but for a minor alteration in the wiring of your brain. All those fantasies you had in your head of what you wanted your life to become that stayed just fantasies.

I dont much care now if its all over. I keep finding myself saying  I want to go quite often as its all becoming tiresome and boring.  I dont see much hope for the future and absolutely no self help site, book or person has shown me any whatsoever. In fact for many people optimism seems to be no more than a delusional fantasy base don making things up that they like the sound of. The more I look for hope the more depressed I become as quite simply if you’re mental,weird or different its hard to fit in to normal society as they dont want you. If there is some kind of afterlife or not who cares. Existence in misery is no kind of life at all. The hope of youth, that it would all change and come good one day like the end of a story has vanished long ago. The only thing I have learnt from life is the unfairness and random nature of it.  Some of the worst of mankind have everything while so many good people have nothing.

How to lose friends and alienate people.

Almost all advice I read suggests starting off by making small talk to strangers to get over social anxiety. If you are a hermit just go out and talk to people on the street, in shops, in elevators (we don’t have many elevators in this city) at bus stops, just anywhere.  You will get better and better at it and before long it will become second nature .It makes no allowance for depression and being  suicidal, for being older and whether  it’s normal to speak to people of different ages or sexes, for being paranoid and for being socially inept including physical manifestations like blushing, stammering, mind freezing and acting awkward. It makes no allowance for things going badly and keep going badly or for other people being aggressive or nasty back to you. Why on earth do they assume it will just keep getting better? Success breeds confidence, not repeated failure.

You see I thought therapy tried to cure you of all this crap first so that you could go into social situations more confidently when it appears to want you to force yourself into social situations over and over again straight away and work it all out yourself as you go along.

I dont see it possible for me to do therapy as I can’t find any starting ground to begin with. if even the supposedly simple things cause overwhelming anxiety then what the F**k do you do? Drink heavily? If I tried to go round my city tomorrow making small talk to strangers I would be shit. I am miserable, have poor body language, a shit voice and  massive paranoia and apart from the weather which I find a pathetic subject  and exceptionally corny I have no small talk subjects I feel comfortable with whatsoever. As I am well over 40 I would feel uncomfortable speaking to younger women in case I appear creepy and women in general in case they thought I was coming on to them.  I can almost guarantee being ignored or looks of total disdain. If somebody says yes it is crap weather then that is the end of the conversation and awkwardness ensures. I don’t have 50 follow up lines at the ready.  This massively increases feelings of being disliked and a freak and then makes me more avoidant.

What f**king planet do therapists come from when they assume socially inept hermits go round making witty banter to strangers and do great and that failure does not affect them. Absolutely none of the books explain the basics of small talk in detail, they basically just say do it and assume you know it all. Going to a party or meet, you act weird(shy then), you have shit small talk, people avoid you. Staying in a stressful situation for 90 minutes until the anxiety subsides is not really possible without looking a twat and does not actually help you talk to people or make conversation. Do you hang a sign around your neck? Nervous anxious person. Do not disturb for 90 minutes!”

Even more importantly most strangers don’t talk to each other at bus stops or say hello to other strangers on the street anyway. When I was younger and at my worst even when occasionally somebody spoke to me first I could barely think of an intelligent response so no witty banter or conversation happened. I often felt awkward which just made others awkward and then they never spoke to me again. I even get paranoid thinking that if I did it regularly as advised then the same people would see me again and think , “Christ its that weird nutter who speaks total shit about the weather ! Look the other way!” because people hate awkward strange loners and that’s why you stay an awkward strange loner as you are always on the outside looking in.

A whole load of social skills need to be learnt before you even start to make regular small talk with strangers and even then you still need to be motivated and enthusiastic to force yourself to go into situations repeatedly. Its pretty hard to fake confidence though and that is vital to start with. And of course if you have no family, no job and never leave the house your range of subjects and interest to other people is going to be limited anyway.

Want to Travel Abroad? Not if you’re shy.

That was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream

I have never been abroad which is highly unusual for someone in the UK. My parents were obviously crackers and never took us many places when I was young although we did go on holiday on the East coast when I was in my teens for several years. But Skegness is hardly the same as the Caribbean. In fact I seldom left my own county apart from the yearly school day trips. I also never learnt to drive due to anxiety and so only really started travelling in the UK more when I got made redundant.  I quite enjoyed it although anyone travelling on UK trains and buses can understand the expense and the often crappy service. Even so I could rarely travel further than the Midlands due to the time constrictions and arranging to get back in the same day. I remember going to Wales via 3 trains once just so I could say I had left England once in my life.  I went once again on a coach trip with a family member but am unlikely now to ever get to anywhere more exciting.

I would have loved to have visited iconic places like Rome, Paris and America at least once in my lifetime if only for the photography opportunities. There are some locations that have always seemed magical since seeing them on TV as a child. Yosemite and Yellowstone in the US are two such places and also have amazing wildlife. Even though unlikely it would still have been an ultimate dream of mine to travel one day. Something to dream of and motivate me if ever I managed to make a recovery and attain anything like a normal life.

However even if I wanted to apply for a passport now in the UK its basically illegal for me to attain one as very shy  or socially anxious people are not allowed out the country. Yes, its almost impossible for someone with extreme social anxiety to get a passport even if they wanted to one day travel aboard and chase their dreams. Thats because you must have someone countersign your application.  These people must have known you for two or more years and they must also have a professional occupation. Oh they even said it cant be your own doctor any more although I think they used to allow this.

As I speak to no one for months and have virtually no other human contact its completely impossible. I have never even known people with professional level jobs in my life.  Therefore the only way I could legally travel abroad is to find and deliberately befriend someone in a professional level job and then keep in contact with them for over two years before I could even apply, that’s if even if they agree to sign it. How the F**K does everyone else find it so easy to get a passport? Surely there must be some kind of scam going on. I am not sure if its just as hard to get a driving license as well but looking on their website it says you need a passport as proof or you then also need a signatory who knows you well so it would also be impossible for me to learn to drive even if I wanted to. Its strange how even the most simple and basis things  are made impossible by anxiety yet are completely dismissed as excuses or irrelevant. As said before once on the bottom rung of life society keeps you there and does not allow you to recover. After all we dont want mental people going abroad or learning to drive! We already have enough of them in the house of commons!

Harassment or Normal Behaviour?

So when does normal small talk become harassment? You see almost every single self help site or book says you should speak to people at every opportunity and if you are a single man, women. Speak to them at bus stops, in the supermarket, in elevators and indeed anywhere you see them so you get used to it. Smile at all women, say hi to all women. Literary, this is what it says in a book I read today. No matter what age they are. Still seems a bit awkward to me if you are old enough to be their dad but then I have no concept for normal human behaviour at all anyway.

You see sometimes I would feel more like a dirty old man or when younger a pervert, if shy, a creepy weirdo and if so then all talking advice for shy men is completely pointless. A lot of small talk makes you look like you are only after sex, like one of those  gift of the gab men I used to know at work who seemed to go into some sort of trance like state whenever an attractive women walked in the same room and immediately started witty banter. They would blow their car horn if they passed a girl outside work and offer to give them a lift. So when does normal friendly chat become something more?  Or is it just my paranoid mind thinking the worst and most women expect men to talk to them in every circumstance even at the freezer section in Tesco. I think it would be really F**King annoying if you were a women and had men pestering you all the time but then all men are told to do this as we know women never make the first move and if we dont we will die a virgin. So men have to approach women all the time. However if we are shit at it or if we do it badly as in shy and awkwardly we are called creepy and weirdos.

The prettiest girls at work never spoke first. I used to wonder if it was simply they were used to so much male attention and men initialising conversation that it was just normal to them and they could not comprehend quiet men like me and then thought them weird. I once remember a girl asking me the time at the bus stop outside work and as I was with another guy I knew from work he seemed to think later she liked me and was trying to start conversation and was almost angry at me that I gave her a one sentence answer as if I had let a golden chance slip. Its ridiculous as all she did was ask me the time but to this other guy she may as well of asked me out.

But that was unusual. You see in all the walks and things I have done over many years and working for all those years women barely spoke first ever. Once again I think  this is just normal human behaviour and that women have to be far more cautious as men are sometimes seen as dangerous especially when out and about. However at bus stops, cash machines, shops  and certainly at work for 20 years women barely ever initiated conversation with me but often still thought me weird for being so quiet. Even working in an office at a desk quite near to me. One girl would not even ask me for help because she said I was quiet and this made her feel awkward. And there you have it in a nutshell really. Shy awkward men make women feel nervous and on edge in case they are nutters. Weird loner syndrome.

 

Sunshine on a Rainy day

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I used to like photography. It was always one of my things. Unfortunately my depression and ensuing avoidance has meant I have not gone anywhere much in the last few months. However it was the  Caribbean carnival today in town and I tried to force myself to go even though I did not really feel like leaving the house and it was also raining. I am glad I did, it wasn’t as good as other years but you can see how just keeping active has a better effect on the brain and creates a more relaxed feeling to get home after being out for a few hours.

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Old Fart!

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Never too late for multimillionaires!

When you are mad people often tell you its never too late to do certain things for instance like have a relationship. They assume certain things too. I did when I was younger. You see an elderly couple on one of those dating shows and assume they still both fancy each other because like attracts like. It may seem callous cruel or ignorant or it could be just all men and how we evolved but when I got older, into my forties, I did not suddenly start getting exceptionally aroused by women my own age and then thinking younger women were ugly.  Everyone gets uglier with age.  Most people reach a peak in our twenties and early thirties and gradually diminish over time just like sportsmen/women. Of course there are still some attractive people in their forties and even fifties but not as many.

I say this as I saw a you tube video from a popular youngish female blogger who seemed astounded that men over 50 were watching her channel. She was actually talking about anxiety on one video which is how I came across her.(who isn’t these days?) She even made some kind of comment as if they were, well perverts at that age. But actually if you think they were only watching to get aroused then younger men are far more likely to be turned on or attracted to you and tossing off as they are far more randy but what? That doesn’t bother you?  You assume males are only watching you for sexual pleasure? What about older women or lesbians?

I think she said she was 26, hardly a child. In fact about 100 years ago she would probably have been married 10 years  and have 3 kids by then. Yes, you are probably attractive to many straight men. men in their forties and fifties still get attracted by younger women as younger women are usually sexier.  Its not perverted, its perfectly natural. Why do you think almost all female news and weather presenters are picked to be as attractive as possible? It gets more views. The most popular female vloggers just happen to be attractive most of the time. Lots of older men still like younger women, they just know they can’t get one.(unless they’re rich!)

Age is also relevant to social anxiety too. For instance the moronic advice of just approach and then make conversation with all women you find attractive that I read online is a bit stupid if you are in your forties as many younger women will understandably think you an old pervert and tell you to F**k off. Yet younger women are usually the most attractive of course and men evolved to go for looks far more than women. Yes its evolution again. What? They just assume you know to only speak to women the same age even if you are socially inept? I read that most people form relationships with others within 5 years of themselves, over 10 years is unusual. I am a lot uglier now than I was in my youth just as women my age probably are too. Its not cruel, that’s life. Therefore the chances of me even finding a female who is available and I find attractive around my age is much less even ignoring my own massive amounts of faults that would be a huge turn off to the vast majority of all normal women. So it probably is too late. you lying bas***d!!!!!!

 

Nerd!

I often wonder if I am somewhat biased in my views and perhaps also bitter and twisted as well considering I am an older male virgin in a world that treats male virgins with total ridicule, contempt and like the scum of the earth and I of course I often dont speak to real humans for weeks on end so may already be mental anyway.  However I read this on the shyness and social anxiety guys website today.

Frankly, It Doesn’t Matter If Girls Like Shy/Quiet Guys…Because if you can’t go talk to her and ask her on a date… then it doesn’t make any difference IF a girl likes you. Either way, you’re still going to be alone because you’re too scared of rejection to make a move.

As a man, YOU are the one who is expected to initiate almost everything when it comes to dating. YOU will have to risk rejection every step of the way if you want to start dating and get a girlfriend.

  • Everything from starting a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to…
  • Being expected to keep it going in the beginning…
  • Asking for her phone number…
  • Planning and setting up the date…
  • Trying to avoid the friend zone…
  • Going for the kiss…
  • Later leading everything to the bedroom…
  • And so on…”

Goes too  far? Inaccurate or the undeniable truth? Almost everything he says has been pretty damn accurate in regards to my own experience. However for me it was being scared of blushing and stuttering and open ridicule and contempt rather being scared of rejection. I never even got to the making pleasant small talk with a girl I liked, let alone getting to the stage of asking her out.Like I said before I worked in a large company with plenty of females for TWENTY years. I know I only saw most of them in the canteen but did any show interest in me first, initiate conversion with me or ask me out? Of course not. Perhaps I was the world’s ugliest man but you should have seen some of the freaks I worked with and they all got some one.

Actually there were about 3 girls that showed some interest in me, only because they knew I liked them first and then of course when I failed to chat them up or acted awkward due to my anxiety they disliked me quite intensely and gave me evil looks along with their friends.One of them actually asked another guy in the canteen if I was mental and loud enough for me to hear!  When I got to the bus stop to go home after work one day I heard one girl say”Oh dont look at him, he wont do anything!” Yes because as a male its simply assumed and expected of me to speak first just as the above article says. “I must impress the females with my witty banter!”  It almost reminds me of one of those little birds doing a courtship dance to impress the female on a nature documentary.  Fascinating that most women wont risk rejection first but the man is expected to or he is called a coward. Perhaps this is why so many young men are so cocky and confident. They evolved to be in order to have the guts to make the first move or the human race would have died out long ago.

This is even better/more truthful:

“But Some Women Love Shy Guys”

Occasionally I will run across a woman writer in a blog or forum who claims that “We love shy guys!” I find this hard to believe, since I spent most of my school years watching the cutest girls go out with the more confident, popular or charismatic guys.But I try to keep an open mind, and I think I now understand what women mean when they say “shy guy.” She imagines a guy who is well-liked and cool, and maybe also a bit quirky or artistic. The guy who may talk a bit less than other people, but he’s self assured on the inside and isn’t afraid to speak up when he wants to.

Again I think this is highly accurate. Many women imagine a nerdy guy who is cute and sweet and sensitive. In reality a shy guy who is cripplingly shy is treated exactly in the same way as a the creepy weirdo.  In fact I mentioned once before  a very shy guy at work who was working up courage all day to talk to a girl he liked out in the car park before he drove home and she reported him for harassment because he was acting weird and creepy! Weird and creepy to most women is EXACTLY THE SAME AS VERY SHY! He then had a mental breakdown and was actually hearing voices speaking to him from the radio and had to leave! Yet the  blokes at work had egged him on all day and told him to do this with classic lines such “Be a man! What’s the worst that could happen?”

In fact even on social anxiety websites now they still insist as a man you just force yourself to approach and chat to every single attractive female you see so you get used to it! For crippling social anxiety this is absolutely F**King useless. Its almost guaranteed to make you worse! In fact many very shy men doing this would probably also get reported for harassment or just told to “F**K off you creep!” This is what I was also getting at in my last post with the vampire theme. All self help sites seem to imagine the shy guy is like Robert Pattinson. Cute and attractive but just a bit quiet, mysterious and different. In reality the shy guy probably looks more like Mr Bean but blushes more and is even more socially inept!

 

Random Musings of a Shy Man,no. 244

How self help sites imagine it is for a guy who likes a girl but is too shy to speak(yes, forget he’s a vampire although at least he should have no problem with blushing!). They are all highly attractive, she doesn’t think him a creepy weirdo(even though he’s a vampire)and after initial nerves it all ends absolutely lovely. Just go talk to her you cowardly shy man! Its a man’s job to speak first! What could possibly go wrong?

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Meanwhile in reality this is pretty much how I reacted when I was a young man whenever an attractive girl sat near me in the canteen at work.(not often then!)

MY MIND: This is just so awkward! Just force yourself to speak. Say anything!

Me: Shall I speak about chicken farming in Sweden? Perhaps something about tractors or the history of the spoon. “Mumble, mumble,”

Girl: “Excuse me? Did you just say something about gerbils?” Christ I am not sitting near this weirdo again!

Me: Never speak first again you moron! Women hate me!

All Women at work: He’s so weird, he never speaks!(Despite the fact they never speak to me first ever!)

 

From then on this is how your anxious paranoid mind imagines you come across to all female kind (keeping with the vampire theme!) “Weird and creepy? Me? How bloody dare you! I lead a very active social life in the evenings! Why do you mention the dentist?”

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If you are very shy this is the reaction you get whenever you ever tried to approach and talk to an attractive woman in the past, even when getting a bus pass in the city centre shop. Yes, that girl appeared to openly hate me. Why God, why? Perhaps she was just a bitch. “Oh God,not him again!”

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Self help sites; Its all in your head! Its all paranoia. Women love being approached by ugly random weird, shy awkward men and being awkwardly chatted up by them. Keep doing it or you are a coward! Keep doing it and you will get better! Keep pretending women and men are exactly the same and yet ignore the fact that no woman has ever shown interest in you,approached you or asked you out ever(even though you worked in a large company full of women for 20 years) and that you must speak first or die a virgin as women never make the first move. Wonders why you have no confidence and yet insinuates you are just a coward for not trying to talk to strangers and ask women out at every opportunity.

Symptoms of Depression

1.  Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

What?Who?When? Yes, My memory is not so good any more. I forget things.

2. Fatigue and decreased energy

Yes, I feel exhausted now and dont go out much.

3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Of course I am guilty, if you have social anxiety there is always some know it all making out you deserve to suffer for being a coward unlike them who were so, so brave and they keep telling everyone for good measure. They have apparently never had depression themselves so think you are lying.

 4. Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Well I am due to become homeless  if I cant get a job in a few years and have never had a relationship even though I am over 40 and dont speak to other people for weeks on end. Wouldn’t most people be hopeless?

  5.  Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Oh yes, thankfully i am in the sleeping too much mode right now before the insomnia kicks back in. I’ve had about 25 years of this on and off.

  6.  Irritability, restlessness

Jesus Christ yes. I feel like one of those bison that wants to charge people if they get too close in YouTube videos about Yellowstone park.Not a good idea when shopping at Tesco. Perhaps I should go on a meetup and make friends! I am sure they love miserable loners with massive paranoia and social ineptitude! Then they can blame me for not being friendly and sociable enough!

7. Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Well never having sex in my entire life is part of the problem of course. I never really had many hobbies anyway due to being a mad loner.

   8. Overeating or appetite loss

Not really. I still get hungry and am slightly overweight.

   9. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Oh yes, the aches are getting worse, My digestive system goes haywire and head aches and pains all the time. Must stop punching myself in the head!

10. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings

Well I have had those since school to be honest, almost daily. Never ending social anxiety, having no friends or a partner and people treating me like a c**t while other people still saying its my fault for not trying hard enough sort of do that to you.

11. Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Oh, I so wish I had the guts. Its messy though. The NHS treat you like scum if you survive so better do it properly when its time.

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