It is Finished!

On Friday I went to Lincoln cathedral as I did last year. It was really to pray and try to get some peace and think for a while. The Christmas market was over the previous weekend so it was quite peaceful once you climb the hill and  get out of the main shopping area.

I was still very agitated and anxious when I got there. This is because I had been this way for the last few weeks as my anxiety had been getting steadily worse. When I got in and it was almost empty apart from some staff looking at me I became so anxious I almost left. I did not speak very well to the cashier(yes its £8 to get in!). This again proves that when you are  depressed and anxious then doing stuff like meeting people doesn’t cure you like the long list of things they advise for depression. My f**ked up depressed mind made me act anxious, feel terrible and I did not enjoy much at all. To top it all there was a 2 hour journey there and back on a crowded train and there were also some art students drawing all over the place so it was not as peaceful as I hoped and I once again become paranoid and thought some laughed at me.

In a private chapel I stood before the sculpture(above) that represented the face of Christ and as I touched it all I could think of was “IT IS FINISHED! which are supposedly the last words he said on the cross before he died and went to heaven. I then prayed to him to take me soon and let me die quickly. Last year I prayed for help or death. he gave me neither. Perhaps he never existed or is a bit deaf. This was the only time I felt spiritual all day. This life is a complete waste of time and is finished. Nothing has worked, nothing I think and do has ever helped for long. I am now far too old for any miracles and almost every single day I feel deep misery and exhaustion but also burning ANGER and RAGE. There is virtually no help available and those that claim there is demand you just change your mind and go around talking and being happy to strangers which shows once again that they have never truly felt intense misery and have not the the slightest clue what years of this can do to you. I have no intention of getting to the stage of begging on the street as a homeless man.

On Saturday morning while making breakfast I had a sudden pain going across my left side and especially my heart. I become dizzy and had to sit down. It ached for several hours and again when I became anxious later on. I thought he had heard me and it was about to be over but not yet, there are still some things to do but hopefully soon he will take me. There is nothing left.


Judge and Jury

I still cant get over being treated by many people with contempt simply for being shy and quiet. They say learn to love yourself and be confident and all the usual shit and yet when I have tried either at work or sometimes online I feel like I am being judged(what a surprise!) and always found wanting. Like some girls at work calling me strange and even then when I did try to say hello being looked at like I was not worthy or even a reply.  This reaffirms negativity and encourages avoidance. When I posted on forums for social anxiety I felt like the response was “Oh no, not you again, go away NOT ONE OF US!” Having lifelong chronic social anxiety has never been enough to bond with people on a social anxiety forum. Using it has only increased my paranoia.

Looking at some therapy books I keep wondering if we are making things out to be much more complicated that they really are with the human brain. After all we are an animal, we did evolve so most of our behaviour developed for a reason. Apparently we have not changed that much for 50000 years and are adapted for the plains of Africa which was basic behaviour of fight or flight, hunting and gathering. We are also 98% genetically similar to great apes.  Are humans really that special or do we just like to think we are? Aren’t all our basic emotions much the same as some higher animals.

We have SA because of the way we were brought up or some traumatic events usually in childhood, maybe even genetics. The basics of all therapy is just to encourage people to get out more, think differently and do stuff until recovery which is not that complicated. So why are there 600 page manuals on it? In reality that’s often not enough because people are judgemental, we evolved to be.  We also need support as we evolved in family groups and lone people often struggle more. Even those who show progress with therapy often sink back into avoidance after the therapy ends as their own brain which is still faulty just comes back to haunt them. Much of the confidence gained during therapy was not real and just a temporary act rather than a personality change.

I saw a you-tube video last night and a beautiful women went on dates with a fat suit on so the men had only seen her picture when slim. All of them apart from one rejected her and were even angry she was so overweight compared to her picture. When they did this the other way round far more of the women were happy and still eager to go on another date. Thats because men and women did evolve differently and men do go for looks above all else. In fact they did this experiment because women said they most feared meeting a serial killer on a date whereas men said they feared the woman would be fat!

However I would like to see it done with people who were long term unemployed because apparently women said in a survey that they think of such men in the the same way as ex-convicts(i.e. losers and scum) whereas I dont think many men would care about what job she did if any if they thought the woman was attractive. In fact in one experiment women who liked men for looks changed to somebody else as soon as they found out they had a better job!  Conclusion, men and women are both judgemental but in different ways.

A million to one he said

I actually got to the stage where I was about to visit my GP for the first time ever about my anxiety. This  apparently often happens  because of something else which in my case is depression which has meant that I have become so avoidant I am only leaving the house to shop at Tesco and have given up doing everything else. However I made the mistake of looking online at all the types of treatment available.  Sounds reasonable? However realistically many GP’s dont even offer therapy for older people with anxiety and depression and just hand you a leaflet. Great, that will cure me!  Then there is about a year, yes one year sometimes even 18 months to wait to get therapy on the NHS. And finally……….. I have read the UK anxiety forum and lots and lots of people who took therapy for social anxiety said their therapist was a complete moron and it actually made them worse or no different at best. Yes, there is loads of help for social anxiety! Online advice anyway, in real life its almost non existent.

Getting help for anxiety or depression in the UK reminds me of the Drake’s equation for the chances of finding intelligent life on another planet. Several million to one or more.There are just so many factors to be taken into account before anything gets done. The next problem is that I have read countless CBT manuals for anxiety online and self help books and they all pretty much say go out and EXPOSE yourself!  No not in a naked kind of way but expose yourself to fear inducing social situations so you get used to them and get better. Then do more harder ones for ever and ever and ever!

I cant even think of easy ones I feel I could try to start of with.

Too Negative( Again?)

Many of my posts(probably my entire blog!) would just be dismissed as  being too negative and the ravings of a mad man but I admit to being depressed so of course I am negative. Being a 40+ long term unemployed virgin in the modern world sort of makes you negative strange as it may seem! Getting annoyed or even angry at this attitude as some people do surely shows a total ignorance or stupidity of mental health even by many professionals many of who have never experienced it themselves so have no idea of the anxiety and misery created. As an example I would quite literally choose death right now rather than do some social exposure situations I have read about.  You can’t bully positivity into someone just as me doing three positive affirmations every day doesn’t work at all. My mind knows its all a lie and not real.

The idea that I would willingly volunteer my most feared social situations and then choose to engage in them with humiliation almost guaranteed when in this mood is almost ridiculous and if it makes me feel that there really is no help then it must be true for many other people as well.  There must be so many people who look online for help and then see that CBT is not doable and so never see their doctor. Relaxation techniques and mindfulness would be about as useful in helping as being told I was going to be burnt alive the next day but if I did them I would get a nice nights sleep first!  Being told the only way out is to do all the things you fear the most is like having the last glimmer of hope extinguished.  They then try and make out you are a coward if you dont try while totally ignoring that your anxiety was caused by other people and that most normal people dont have to go through any of this and still get a decent job, a partner and have kids!  Humiliation is  a massive motivating factor in recovery and self esteem and just because I dont get physically attacked has no positive consequence whatsoever. In fact when I think back to many humiliating events in my life i would have much rather been punched in the face repeatedly than called a zombie and mental and laughed at behind my back as I was at work.


The Cure for Social Anxiety?

I have downloaded absolutely loads of stuff on shyness and social anxiety the last month and some of it consisted of entire manuals of 700+ pages.  The thing is and its quite hard for me to say so but, but THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CURE WHATSOEVER!

All of the manuals and self help sites say only one thing. Go out and do stuff and hope you get better and then do more stuff until cured. Strange really as rather than scientific knowledge this is basically what i was told to cure shyness when i was a small child. Oh they may have breathing and relaxation techniques and also make you challenge your over the top irrational “Woe is me! Everybody hates me!” type of thinking but there is absolutely nothing else whatsoever on any website I have ever come across that helps in the slightest.

The problem is that depression fucks all that up.  No motivation whatsoever, already suicidal thinking so being told to go and smile at strangers on the street and make banter with shop assistants about the weather or Donald Trumps snazzy hair are about as useful as being told to Just do it! or my favourite as a youth “Just Go Talk to her!”

In reality acting nervous got ridicule or contempt which increased my anxiety which increased avoidance. If in doubt I go straight onto YouTube where hot girls say how much they hate shy men as they act creepy and make them feel awkward. Women love confidence , its officially one of the biggest turns ons. The advice also ignores your age. Contrary to belief not everyone with social anxiety is 23. A man my age smiling at women considerably younger than me on the street will be thought of as a creepy weirdo after sex so why not say that when advising smiling at 6 strangers per day as exposure therapy as if its normal. Virtually no strangers smile at people on the street unless well they do fancy each other.

Social etiquette still matters or do you assume that very shy people will understand who to and who not to smile at? Just like advising you to ask attractive females out as what have you got to lose?  Well there are lots of attractive twenty and thirty something years olds but as someone in my forties(Shock! Horror!)I would have about as much chance as bagging one as I would attracting Cameron Diaz(although at 44 she’s way closer to my age range!) Oh you mean only ask people your own age but once again just assumes you know that.(even though at my age everyone is much uglier including me!) Do I tell them how long I have been unemployed as well, that will impress them. Fact, long term unemployed men are avoided as much as ex cons so something else to destroy confidence.

I prepare myself on a daily basis for the inevitable end now. I almost long for it after all these years of pain and loneliness. Today was absolutely awful and I struggled not to self harm. The reason I feel worse is because I looked for help and found there wasn’t any.  People just like to pretend there is to make themselves feel better. They like to pretend that the majority of them are nice and kind too.

A long cold lonely winter


You know when you felt terrible when you were ill. Your head hurts and you are irritable with all other people and almost in mental pain. Just like having a bad hangover after drinking too much the night before or you have had a virus. You cant think of anything intelligent to say and what you do say seems nonsense or is such a struggle to get out that you dont even want to try. You want to hide away from it all.Well that’s sort of what having anxiety and depression is like every single day, to me anyway. Along with the added suicidal thoughts of course. Watching TV,listening to music, walking, shopping. Whatever you do to alleviate these feelings only has a fleeting beneficial effect and before long you are back at square one again.

You are desperately lonely but if you do try and contact people online as you dont know any people in real life at all you always get the feeling that they think you are a nuisance and just wish you would F**k off. People tell you its paranoia but deep down you know its not.You know a negative attitude is never taken well and so you pretend to make jokes or interesting comments but as you have never formed a social network then you may as well be talking to yourself in the toilet again. They say be yourself but they really mean like everything that I like and hate everything that I hate. People lie all the time.Then you give up. Then they blame you for not trying hard enough. Check mate.

Things Only People Who Suffered From Extreme Shyness Will Understand

Yes, just for a change its one of those FUN quiz type things off of the internet.

1) Family gatherings with anyone other than your immediate family were an absolute nightmare. 
Yes I hid upstairs when relatives came round but as my parents were both nuts too that was only about once a year.
2) You did absolutely EVERYTHING you could to avoid making or answering a phone call.
Again yes although i did get much better at work before the C**ts made me redundant.
3) And even to this day, you’re still hesitant to answer a call. 
Sort of but only because it may be something terrible. When I answer a call they are mostly cold calls trying to sell something.
4) You can absolutely forget about calling the Pizza Delivery
Yeah, I’ve never ordered food EVER! These days its too expensive.
5) You were always the last kid on holiday to join the ‘friendship group’ because you were too shy to say hello. 
Hmm, must be an American thing. Never heard of it and we only went on a few family holidays and never spoke to any strangers.
6) You absolutely DREADED the idea that you would get called on in class.
God, yes.One of the all time worst things.
7) And you NEVER raised your hand in class in case the answer was wrong, even though it was 100% right. 
True again, My maths went downhill fast because I never ever got help from the teacher. Never understood quadratic equations and calculus. She’s dead now and her ashes on the local park with a memorial. I leave her a chocolate digestive sometimes as a symbolic gesture.
8) You also tried to avoid any speaking responsibility in any presentation you ever had to make.
Speaking in front of the class was akin to public torture. It never got any better. In English we had to read one page of a book each aloud starting from the front of the class. As it got closer to me I prayed to God to kill me just so I wouldn’t have to read.I meant it to.
9) You never EVER went to the toilet in a restaurant without your mum when you were younger.
If you had anxious parents you never ever even went to a restaurant anyway! Actually I went to a cafe with my parents and sister on holiday once. The only family meal I have ever had not at home. Chips of course.
10) And you were totally guilty of whispering your order in the restaurant to an adult and avoiding all eye contact with the waiter. 
If we had of gone to restaurants its the sort of thing I would have done, probably. I always had trouble asking for things or ordering things in shops well into adulthood.
11) Everyone always thought you were the quiet one, when in reality – you were the stand up comedian.
I dont even know what this means! Does it imply you were telling jokes in your head but not out loud? I was very sarcastic in my head, still am.
12) But heaven forbid you’re left in a one on one conversation with someone you barely know – aka your friends Mum!!!
It didn’t matter much when I was a kid, all these things still applies into adulthood. My friend left me with his girlfriend at the cinema once. Not a word was said. My fault of course as I am male. Its funny in these awkward situations I never get the one who speaks. Plenty of these situations when I was at work too, almost always with girls(funny how so many girls never seem to speak first! Perhaps shy men come across as weird and creepy!)
13) Pretending you’re on the phone when you see someone in public? Yep, you’re still guilty of that one!
I would but as I am so alone and devoid of all human contact I dont even have a mobile phone or in fact need one as I never need to speak to other humans and have no friends. I hardly leave the house either!
14) You spent hours and hours thinking about hypothetical conversations so you knew what to say what the situation arose.
Still do! I often imagine the worst thing possible happening and then go into a full blown argument with this imaginary person in my head!  We sometimes even have an imaginary fight! Bastard!
15) Your flirting game has been diabolical since day one. 
Yes, I’m actually a 97 year old virgin. Only once did a girl like me at work and when she tried to say hello I bottled it, looked away and avoided her for all her remaining time at work. It freaked me out so much that this girl expected me to chat her up and probably ask her out that I never even dare look at an attractive female ever again just in case she liked me back and expected me to speak!

16) But the worst thing of all? The worst thing about growing up shy was having to answer this damn question every. single. time. “Why are you so shy?”

Actually I probably got asked “Why do you blush?” more as it was far more noticeable(unlike me!). I was mostly so avoidant and reclusive that nobody spoke to me unless they had to.