Back to Reality

I spent Christmas away with a friend, my only one in fact. I came back for 2 weeks and then I spent last week with them again as I always do in January. It was probably the first Christmas in over 30 years I have enjoyed, probably since being a child. Although we did nothing special apart from eat and drink it was great not to be stressed and depressed every day. Good company with someone you like is all it takes to change your perceptions on everything. My family Christmases were boring and non eventful, even depressing and having never had any family or even a relationship of my own they never got any better. Depressing, lonely, the usual stuff for mad socially anxious lonely people. Unfortunately I’ve only been back a few days and the usual stresses are returning. I already have taken a sleeping tablet today and it made me feel far more depressed and irritable again. Yesterday I woke early and had trouble sleeping. I also went shopping and became hugely anxious in a crowded supermarket.

I think my social anxiety and increased depression has led to more general anxiety where I hate to be in any crowded situations. I have also had mild OCD where I have to check everything is turned off and doors locked several times before I leave the house. Then of course there is the sleeping problems where I have trouble falling to sleep or wake early and cant fall back again leaving me feeling exhausted in the day. I looked at a motivational You-tube video earlier and it was so far from my reality that it just enraged me yet again as the advice is absolutely useless for depression. Thats something else that has gotten worse, my irritability and my attention span. I now also often have added heart and chest pain.  There is no motivation or belief left any more, just hopelessness and resignation as I cant find anything that works for long and most motivational books and videos are total bollocks and offer nothing new.


The Strength Within

This is a quote I especially like from a book I was reading last year and moved me greatly. It feels like my last battle has began, it is a courage without hope, unnoticed and unrecognised but as real as any thing that has ever been.

“There is a peculiar strength that comes to a man when he knows he is facing his final battle. That battle is not limited to war, nor the strength to warriors. I’ve seen this strength in old women with the coughing sickness and heard of it in families that are starving together. It drives one to go on, past hope or despair, past blood loss and gut wounds, past death itself in a final surge to save something that is cherished. It is courage without hope.

It is a terrible bravery – and at its strongest and worst, it goes on for months when one battles a final illness. Or, I believe, when one moves toward a duty that will definitely result in death but is completely unavoidable. It lights everything in one’s life with a terrible radiance. All relationships are illuminated for what they are, and for what they truly were in the past. All illusions melt away. The false is revealed as starkly as the true.”

It is Finished!

On Friday I went to Lincoln cathedral as I did last year. It was really to pray and try to get some peace and think for a while. The Christmas market was over the previous weekend so it was quite peaceful once you climb the hill and  get out of the main shopping area.

I was still very agitated and anxious when I got there. This is because I had been this way for the last few weeks as my anxiety had been getting steadily worse. When I got in and it was almost empty apart from some staff looking at me I became so anxious I almost left. I did not speak very well to the cashier(yes its £8 to get in!). This again proves that when you are  depressed and anxious then doing stuff like meeting people doesn’t cure you like the long list of things they advise for depression. My f**ked up depressed mind made me act anxious, feel terrible and I did not enjoy much at all. To top it all there was a 2 hour journey there and back on a crowded train and there were also some art students drawing all over the place so it was not as peaceful as I hoped and I once again become paranoid and thought some laughed at me.

In a private chapel I stood before the sculpture(above) that represented the face of Christ and as I touched it all I could think of was “IT IS FINISHED! which are supposedly the last words he said on the cross before he died and went to heaven. I then prayed to him to take me soon and let me die quickly. Last year I prayed for help or death. he gave me neither. Perhaps he never existed or is a bit deaf. This was the only time I felt spiritual all day. This life is a complete waste of time and is finished. Nothing has worked, nothing I think and do has ever helped for long. I am now far too old for any miracles and almost every single day I feel deep misery and exhaustion but also burning ANGER and RAGE. There is virtually no help available and those that claim there is demand you just change your mind and go around talking and being happy to strangers which shows once again that they have never truly felt intense misery and have not the the slightest clue what years of this can do to you. I have no intention of getting to the stage of begging on the street as a homeless man.

On Saturday morning while making breakfast I had a sudden pain going across my left side and especially my heart. I become dizzy and had to sit down. It ached for several hours and again when I became anxious later on. I thought he had heard me and it was about to be over but not yet, there are still some things to do but hopefully soon he will take me. There is nothing left.

Don’t worry, be happy!

“I’ve been told by a few people that it’s basically a decision on your own part,
if you want to be happy, then be happy,.. make an effort, start putting yourself into it.”

This is a quote from the UK anxiety forum. Its pretty typical of an idiot’s ignorant assumption. You  see, people with social anxiety and depression have to be blamed like its their own fault in order to justify vilifying them for not doing the HARD WORK and putting an effort into being normal. Suicidally depressed? Just force yourself to be happy!

Hardly a surprise that the guy posting this had done CBT and thought it fantastic and was in the Go get them! Seize the day mindset and so anyone who did not was simply a coward who deserved to suffer. As said before these people get into an aggressive state in order to motivate themselves and then think that this gives them the right to attack and treat everyone else in the same way.

Again its all baloney. When I was much happier and relaxed I was able to do things and almost felt normal. When I am highly agitated as I was this week I find myself talking to myself in the street and wanting to attack people that even looked at me. Happiness is not simply a choice you dumb f**kbucket. People have lots of different problems that casue depression so guilt tripping them for not making an effort to be happy enough is even more likely to make them self harm.

Most advice for depression appears to be more like for when you are a bit sad or when your football team loses. It has no baring on long term depression whatsoever and does not cure it especially of you have underlying problems like anxiety, long term unemployment, being extremely isolated or lonely and you never speak to another human for weeks, having no close family and you cant sleep due to neighbours playing drums 24/7.

Just like recovered alcoholics people who recover(supposedly!) from anxiety and depression are often the least sympathetic and biggest dickheads of all!

Party time

I have just been reading about how many people hate their annual office Christmas party, probably because they are forced to socialise with people they dont really like or feel the pressure to make small talk to people they normally avoid all year. Of course to a person with social anxiety ANY party or social gathering is this awkward and cringe worthy. Yet the advise is to just keep doing it and you will get better. No you wont. If you are just shy and force yourself to approach and talk to people you may gradually lose some anxiety and maybe even learn some social skills but for a very socially anxious person you just stand there and never speak with sweat pouring from your head and blushing so get worse and paranoid. People openly laugh and ridicule you which once again shows how completely useless CBT therapy is which claims nobody even notices our behaviour .If you do try to talk you come across so awkwardly and weird that people get irritated and walk off. If you are at a work party or event they ALL avoid you anyway as you are already disliked for being quiet and weird.

Then there is the gender thing again which is F**kin obvious but people avoid as they want to believe in equality even if evolution doesn’t. As a male you are almost always expected to approach females first and make witty banter. You almost NEVER get females especially attractive females come and make small talk first even if they like you. The most you will get is the odd look and a smile (before they know how strange you are) which apparently is sometimes a come on sign to approach them and impress them with conversation. In fact just like a wildlife programme where a male bird approaches and woos a female with song and dance. if he is not good enough she rejects him. Is it really that different for humans? We are after all an animal with about 98% the same DNA as some of the great apes and even the 60% with a banana. Some people probably 90% banana.

It still absolutely infuriates me that the advice for social anxiety is that you just force yourself to go out to events like parties and assume that witty banter with total strangers just happens if you open your mouth. It doesn’t! If you act very shy people treat you with contempt! Girls at work rejected me as not even a contender then went out with slobs because at least they were confident sobs and could do the chat up lines. I dont even blush, stammer or sweat like I did when i was younger but making small talk with strangers on the street or in shops is simply a non starter because first I am a miserable as F**K, have no interest in the weather, feel deeply anxious when in crowds, cant think of appropriate subjects with a total stranger and I still come across as very awkward. Which is much worse for men speaking to women as awkward men are considered weirdos and potentially dangerous. Again an obvious fact which is completely ignored. The idea that avoidance alone perpetuates our social anxiety is absolute bollocks. Its going into situations and constantly failing and being humiliated that perpetuates anxiety as confidence collapses and all negative thoughts are reaffirmed. The whole mindset has to be in a state of optimism and enthusiasm before pleasant conversation and recovery is even possible which is seldom discussed.

Last of the snow!

Today’s rain got rid of any last remaining snow but I went out on Monday and it was also sunny which is very rare in combination. It was only to the local deer park yet again. There is nowhere else to go in the area and not being a driver makes travel anywhere further harder as getting several buses and trains make me very anxious.

Unfortunately my anxiety has gotten worse again over the last week and I didn’t really enjoy it at all.  This shows that just going for walk doesn’t help. When the anxiety kicks in everything I do seems to go wrong and I get confused, everything goes wrong and I just want to go.

I did feel better watching the sunset but on days like this any advice to cure anxiety flies out of the window and makes me think  that perhaps there is no way out.




More Snow!

Despite what some Americans think most of England only gets proper snow about once a winter and sometimes none for years so most English people get very excited and then start to panic as trains and buses are cancelled and roads become blocked! Panicking over the weather is one of our favourite hobbies going back many generations.I saw no snow at all for most of my childhood but thankfully global warming is making it colder here. This is the view out of my bedroom window today. There are lots of bushes. I would say its a wildlife haven but its really because I like to block out all the neighbours due to social anxiety and hide in corners mumbling to myself.

Its traditional for people especially students to build jaunty snowmen and then make them look silly by putting things on their head.

Sometimes they are more inventive and even have a spare carrot they can use as a nose, sometimes other ruder things if the snowman gets lucky.

This is a statue of Richard III who was buried under a car park for over 500 years. He looks very cold but he’s from up north so probably doesn’t mind.

The one in the foreground looks slightly phallic. Students like to be rude as they are young and outrageous. Older people would rather make a snow cake with a nice cup of tea.The university is nearby.