“Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide.
River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away”
Peter Gabriel; The Washing of the Water.
The loneliness is one of the hardest things to cope with. Of course I have never even been in a relationship and some people may have expected me to get used to being a sad loner by now but I never have. Sadness becomes a way of life. It infests my very soul and turns people away even when you do occasionally try to connect. Sad people are losers and hard work. Other constant feelings are envy and bitterness even if you try to hide it and hope it will go away yet it always returns.
What did you do to deserve this? Nothing yet they blame you for not doing enough to put it right like its all your own fault. At least when I was working I had contact with people and was even beginning to almost feel normal(ish) towards the end but since my redundancy I have sunk into the abyss and see no way out. I never have, not even for a second. I realise that I was just kidding myself to imagine something would happen. It never did and never will. Things dont get better just because a self help site says they will. People will just suggest the usual things of going to meet ups but as a social inept and depressed loner OVER 40 its a particularly difficult thing to do. Christmas is an especially depressing time and I have even spent the last 4 years since my mothers death at the cemetery on Christmas day afternoon just to get out. No doubt in a RomCom this is a situation for two lonely sad people to meet and fall in love. In real life nothing ever happens.
There were three meetup groups in my area that looked slightly vaguely doable (on a good day)for a moment. The social anxiety one collapsed within weeks due to lack of interest(what a surprise!) and the walking one is often way out in the countryside at early times so you need a car. The photography one always go for some kind of meal afterwards which puts me off as I cant abide talking with a group of strangers looking at me. How do I explain my long term unemployment to them. Shame, guilt embarrassment all get worse not better when you feel like you have done something wrong and I dread the questions of “Hows the job hunting going?” or “Have you got a job yet?” every time I see them. Thats why I have not been back to the dentist. I feel like I need people with support and understanding but there is no depression or anxiety group in my city at all.
Of course to admit you are lonely is to admit you are weird or a loser and will get you ignored even more. Just like appearing too desperate. I would not even contemplate dating now at my age even if I had a job and ignoring my huge problems with sex. Young people just assume as you get older you start to fancy other old people like its normal and you see older pensioners on dating shows who still even appear to be sexually active. In reality the mind has barely changed since I was in my twenties. This means I still feel attracted to females in their twenties and thirties and sometimes forties but hardly any people my own age at all any more. This also means that the fantasy(a normal loving relationship) has already left the building. People who say its never too late are F**king liars.