No Strengths Detected!

My Social Anxiety Test results from;

  • No strengths detected!
Potential Strengths
  • No potential strengths detected!
  • You are very anxious in social situations
  • You are not comfortable socialising with peers
  • You are very uncomfortable meeting new people
  • When all eyes are on you, you want to shrink from sight
  • You often experience embarrassment when faced with social activities
  • You frequently avoid social events
  • You are as miserable as Fork.
  • You are old, probably too old now, have anger issues, paranoia , a fear of intimacy a bad hip and walk like a sasquatch.

Yes, I did add the last two myself.  Perhaps I should do some positive affirmations!



We want to see you lead a Normal Life

It’s nice here with a view of the trees
Eating with a spoon?
They don’t give you knives?
‘Spect you watch those trees
Blowing in the breeze
We want to see you lead a normal life
Peter Gabriel

After passing out last Sunday morning I also had several dizzy spells again this week. On Monday I had one every hour or two almost all day. Since then I have had just the odd one. In the day they seem to be connected to if I get angry or stressed at something but often when I wake up as it did when I passed out going to the toilet they seem connected with dreams and weird past memories.  Because of this and also because of the shit cloudy weather every day I have not been out much at all this week.

I am beginning to think some things are probably close to impossible. This scares some people so they just demand we can overcome anything if we try hard enough as it comforts them and makes them feel better.  We can of course win the lottery if we enter it but the chances are still millions to one. Perhaps people with anxiety all their life are just too difficult to change and too unmotivated and angry. I’d kill a therapist who accused me of not trying hard enough if I dont speak to enough random strangers for hours a day and act cheerful.  If we are just paranoid and strangers dont notice our weird behaviour then why do so many people with disabilities or obvious differences get abused and attacked every year in our so called civilised societies? its because if you are different people DO pick on you, bully you or ignore you.  Humans have a long history of being very cruel, judgemental and intolerant. Not all but some people some of the time is still enough to destroy your confidence ad sometimes even your life.

Depression is making things worse and I dont really care to be honest if my dizzy spells are actually brain damage and I die soon.  Yet again I read today that if depression is caused by anxiety as it is with me as I am 985 year old virgin with almost no human contact and years of madness then the anxiety needs curing first. To do this they then tell you to go out more and be friendly with people…… but you are so depressed and unmotivated you just want to tell all people to  FORK off . YOU CANT JUST BE FRIENDLY IF YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYDAY ……………and you pretty much know its too late for a real life now anyway.

Into the Great Wide Open

Thinking about your problems can make you even more stressed so I think its good to completely zone out and do other things for a while rather than obsess about mental health. or is doing other things merely avoidance? For instance every time I look at self help for anxiety and depression it makes me much more depressed and more anxious!  Yes sometimes avoidance is good, isn’t that what most relaxation techniques really are? So walking in nature is one escape and so is photography, even indoors. On Friday I spent some time just trying to get pictures of the numerous apples which have fallen off the tree I planted over 20 years ago in the back garden.

Macro photography is harder than it looks. You need a good clear background, preferably dark. You then need to have the right lens so you can get close enough and since it only focuses on one spot of the subject you need to take several photos and merge them together. I dont have a macro lens so this is the best I could get and you can see that its already beginning to lose focus and detail as I get closer. Pro photographers often take hundreds of shots in every possible setting and use only the best or merge them together with software.

I also went back over the thousands of pictures I have taken over the last 12 years or so. Sometimes they make me feel happy and bring back good memories and other times I feel sad as they remind me of the turmoil of the time or that I may not go back to many of these places again. This stag from two years ago was completely ruined before as there were other deer in the background but using software I have managed to remove most traces of them if you dont look too close.

In other news I previous mentioned my dizzy spells which had completely gone for the last few weeks. This morning I actually felt dizzy again and passed out when I got up to go to the toilet and hurt my arm. I still wonder if its something to do with my allergy tablets which I have to take almost daily. A normal person would probably go to the doctors but I am I normal? The ForK I am.

Weekly Autumn Walk No.3


I still try and go on at least one long walk a week. I especially like autumn when it gets cooler in the evenings and the leaves start to change colour. I did encounter a quite aggressive stag but thankfully did not get attacked.  Sometimes I say hello to the odd person if I pass but usually only if they look remotely pleasant.  Some people are even more miserable and grumpy than me(is that possible?)and so are best avoided! If  I could live in the countryside I think I would feel far better. A day out also breaks up the week and relieves some of the anxiety and depression.

R.I.P. Tom Petty 1950- 2017

I have six Tom Petty albums. Although I did not worship him as much as I do Peter Gabriel but he still wrote several of my favourites songs of all time.

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

I’m gonna free fall out into nothin’
Gonna leave this world for awhile

And I’m free

You and I will meet again
When we’re least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won’t say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again

Are Meet ups really suitable for the mad, mental and miserable?

You see the guilt tripping advice of “DO ANYTHING!”ITS ALL YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING SO AVOIDANT!”etc! often makes me feel like i should go on a local photography meetup group.(or kill myself, its a close call) However, most of their meets are miles away as they all drive. I dont and  I would not feel comfortable car sharing for hours with people I did not know.

Rather than maladaptive and negative thinking its more like the truth.Thats because I dont do much better than expected, I usually do worse. Experience has taught me this. Its also taught me that I dont get on with people when acting shy, they dislike me and think I am weird, rude or boring! This is the real world therapists!

Secondly and its back to small talk. especially stuck in a car with strangers for hours. First my voice is often so weak nobody can hear me which puts me off speaking entirely. I have had this problems since I was at school. Its never gone. Then all meets are at the weekend as they mostly all work. I dont and have not for many years. I feel ashamed and embarrassed because society deliberately makes unemployed people feel this way. If they ask me every week if I have got a job yet I would never go back.

Apart from work other people talk about families, I dont have one.  Their friends, I do have one but I only see her 4-5 times a year. What they do and where they go. I barely leave the house any-more apart from shopping a weekly walk in my local area.  When you are isolated and a freak you are so far out of the norm of society its hard to connect again. Did I say again? I meant ever.

And then of course I am expected to be friendly, pleasant and sociable when as mentioned MANY times I feel utter despair and often wake up crying or wishing i would die in my sleep. No such luck. I am as miserable as f**K (look at all these negative posts! Oh how dare I do a blog that’s not positive!) even when ignoring my anxiety problems like being nervous and awkward. Age also matters. I am not going to any meet where people are much younger than me as it makes it even more awkward. People’s sex matters too as I was always worse with attractive women although I doubt there would be many women at a photography meet and I am so much older now that I find hardly anyone my age attractive any more.

Its just so ridiculous and hypocritical isn’t it? if you are social anxious people will continually ridicule you for being too negative and miserable and avoidant. However if you are depressed then people expect you to be negative, miserable and avoidant yet 1 in 3 people with long term anxiety also have depression and yet its never taken into account on any self help sites for social anxiety. The idea is you just get out more and then become Mr Happy! Do you just force yourself to not be depressed like you are supposed to just force yourself to not be shy?

Troubleshooting in exposure therapy no.1

I made the mistake of looking at the The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook earlier.  I am still fascinated  by CBT therapy and how absolutely shit, absurd, stupid, moronic and non sensible almost all the the advice seems to me yet is presented as the complete cure for all anxiety and so many therapists just cant believe highly avoidant people sometimes with depression, paranoia, anger issues and suicidal feelings dont adore the idea of confronting all their most feared situations over and over again in an eager and enthusiastic manner. Its like somebody with absolutely no experience of social anxiety at all or even how humans normally behave in the real world had just made up a book on what they would like to believe would happen.

I disagree with lots of it but this is a particularly good one.

Problem: The (exposure)situations that I fear are very brief in duration, so there isn’t enough time for my fear to decrease.

True,I was thinking this myself. if you are supposed to be in a situation until your anxiety reduces then what good is talking to the cashier for maybe 10 seconds once a week?

Solutions:  Ideally, if an exposure practice is brief, you should try to find creative ways to lengthen the duration of the practice if possible. For example, if you are fearful of chatting with the cashier at the front of a supermarket line, try lining up repeatedly over the course of an hour or two and buying only a few items at a time. This approach will give you more opportunities to talk to the cashiers, compared to paying for all your groceries at once.

What? So you buy three items make awkward small talk about the weather and then immediately go back round the supermarket buy some more items and then line up again to make more excruciating awkward small talk? What? with the same cashier or different ones so you dont come across as mental? Do you talk about the weather every time again? Surely this would make you more awkward not less.

ME: Its sunny today! CASHIER: Yes, well it was only 10 minutes since you last said that! and 20 minutes ago since you said it before!

Do you do this several times a week with the same staff, saying the same things? Therapists, I have got news for you. Being laughed at for being this weird strange awkward guy that keeps walking around the same supermarket again and again for weeks on end and speaking about the weather AWKWARDLY and NERVOUSLY will massively increase my anxiety and and make me more avoidant. This will ONLY give me the opportunity to be ridiculed even more!  Even acting awkward such as blushing sweating or stammering will get you noticed( yes shy people act this way you dumb therapist!)and you are often noticed and laughed or stared at so YOU WONT GET BETTER, YOU WILL GET WORSE AND GIVE UP THERAPY! Then you will not include it on your stats as a failure and keep getting paid well for something that doesn’t work.

I am currently watching the Good Place on Netflix about some people that think they are in heaven but the events are so absurd she realises that they are in the bad place (hell). Thats what most exposure therapy for social anxiety is like. Its just so absurd as to be surely be invented by sadists or mad men for a joke. Lets see what we can get these shy suckers to do next! Sing on the street corner, walk backwards and lie down in busy city centres. smear women’s make up all over a man’s face and then ask him to ask strangers for directions( ALL REAL social mishap exposures I have read about online!) Perhaps the aim is to encourage shy people to commit suicide so they dont waste resources because no people with severe social anxiety would volunteer to do this.

Its hardly a coincidence that so many people online who claim to have done the HARD WORK with CBT and recovered are quite nasty bastards who actually seem to enjoy to ridicule other people for being cowards.  You have to be in this aggressive seize the day, fuck everyone else attitude to be able to do it in the first place. Perhaps they should teach us how to be like that instead. Total bastards but at least confident. Then you can even become president of the USA! Confidence is all that seems to matter for success.