Suicidal Feelings and Depression

Look at all the plans I made
Falling down like scraps of paper
I will leave them where they lie to remind me
From the past a rumour comes
Don’t let it keep draggin’ you down
Throw the memory in an open fire
You’ll be free
Tombstone- Crowded House


Its quite strange to me that all the so called help I read about for depression and anxiety only confirms to me that I was correct all along and that there really is no help, cure or treatment for many people with both conditions and that I will almost certainly have to commit suicide at some point in the future. It’s quite scary to say the least but there is nothing else I can think of to do to stop much greater discomfort and pain.  Treating people who are desperate simply as cowards is not a help or a cure. People actually get angry at you for being negative when you feel hopeless, the f**king idiots! So you are more likely to stay avoidant and not even post on forums. We dont want any negative people here! Its insane! (just like me then!)

If therapists get angry or frustrated at their patients ( I was reading about this from several people today who had gone to therapy)for not doing the hard work or giving up then the therapy doesn’t work. its like a doctor who is not capable of fixing a broken leg getting angry at the leg for not healing to hide the fact that he’s a shit doctor or his treatment doesn’t work.

Social anxiety treatment(its not really help, more like punishment as if you deserve to suffer) requires a huge motivation and willingness to speak to strangers every day even though it will often go badly. Depression makes this virtually impossible as you are miserable and unmotivated. Treatment for depression requires you go out and socialise with people and assumes you have great friends or family already and that you definitely are not shy. Together they seem incurable especially if past a certain age. The therapists and self help guides actually simply cant believe that  highly negative people with a lifetime of years of failure are still negative because they see a therapist for 5 minutes. Its like they are the stupid ones.  They try to bully and ridicule people to motivate them, which only makes them more suicidal just as reading about so called help has for me. Then they just blame you and say shit like some people dont want to change. They do, they are just not prepared to do anything especially when much of CBT for social anxiety is based on complete lies.



A Sigh

A sigh
From the deepest well
You can tell a lot
By not saying a thing
This truth
Between us, my friend
This longing

A sigh
For loneliness to end
No changing
The story now

But I think your mind is made up

A Sigh-Crowded House


I think if I was going for therapy and it costs £50 a session(cheapest i could find locally) then I would want to know it had a very good chance of working.  Remember I have no regular income, live off a lump sum and £50 is 3 weeks food money alone. Yet all the books and self help sites on therapy for anxiety are full of lies and obvious flaws.  You cant do exposure therapy if too depressed miserable and resistant and its much harder to cure depression if caused by social anxiety as the underlying problems are still there. Then I read that the majority of people who had CBT went back to how they were after two years so it may not work in the long run anyway.

They advise awkward exposure exercises like smiling at strangers on the street and saying hello to people without defining boundaries or rules and assuming you dont act very awkward or shy- to cure shyness!  Also like parts of London other UK cities are turning into violent shitholes. Someone had acid thrown in their face near here last week and there was  a violent assault with baseball bats on someone else.  Shall I smile at a group of young male gang members carrying knives? Shall I smile at young women even though I am old enough to be their dad? Oh not creepy at all!  And I wont even mention me speaking awkwardly to women at bus stops or in shops yet again as we know how bad that is going to go.

Then there are people amazed that someone my age hasn’t been for help when its f**ked up everything. Then all they say are what are your worst fears, make a list and then do them!(on your own!) . They seem staggered that someone who has been avoidant all their life is still avoidant and is not eager to face all their worse fears when they could do that on their own anyway and not pay £50 a week!  I might as well put £50 a week down the toilet!  The things that are supposed to motivate you simply dont when you are much older as normal things are now impossible. When you have been thinking of killing yourself ever since you were at school then you would rather die that repeatedly humiliate yourself even further in the vague hope of a better life which you dont believe is possible and no self help books or sites has given me the vaguest hope or made me think I am wrong.

I read only this morning that older men who lose their jobs are much less likely to get employed again and struggle to even get interviews. Ageism anyone? Pity Jeremy Corbyn and his SJW brigade of student activists are not concerned about that kind of discrimination especially as Jeremy is an old man himself.  Yet I have been unemployed for years, can’t stand up for 8 hours a day and cant get any references so its impossible  get enthusiastic and motivated anymore so therapy would be meaningless anyway.


Does Depression Make Any Advice for Anxiety Utterly Futile?


………………And if so why does all advice for social anxiety ignore depression completely despite it being common with anxiety and demand you just go round speaking to strangers and think it will go spiffingly? But they still get angry with you for being negative or miserable! Even though I’m often suicidally depressed! And I include people who have offered advice to me like JUST DO ANYTHING! on this blog even though I clearly mention depression!


This is from another WordPress blog on social anxiety from last year and I gave permission for my name to be used as I used to know the blogger vaguely from another anxiety forum long, long ago.

“So far, two of the people who followed it have their own blogs and their own experiences of social anxiety. Two very different experiences.

Anxiety and I is positive. This person recognises the hard work ahead, but is proud of accomplishments up to now.

klodo is negative. It would be easy to say his circumstances are his own fault. That if he were more positive and worked hard, like Anxiety and I, he would be in a better state now. But that would be wrong.”

You f**king bet I’m negative. First of all Anxiety and I has only ever made one post in their entire blog history so a bit premature to assume they are positive and proud. Perhaps they have recovered entirely, had only minor shyness or has given up entirely.  They also appear to be female an much younger than me so not much of a comparison. Either way they have vanished without trace after only one post.

Although the article was mostly supporting me the way she put it still rankles me to the point of blind fury as you see this attitude on almost all anxiety forums by the people who have recovered and have then become sanctimonious holier than thou, know it all tossers. The idea that its all your own fault and that you must be eager to do the hard work (intense repeated humiliation)because they did .

“Why? Because they ignore the depression that’s often caused by social anxiety. They ignore the ensuing lack of motivation. They also ignore the passing of time that changes the person you are. ”

They also ignore all other problems, like a very weak voice which meant I could not be heard anywhere with music in the background like all pubs, bars or parties so most social situations then so I stopped going to them. Being very FAT at school and ridiculed  for having TITS. The crooked teeth and hair lip I had so I could not smile and became very self conscious at age 7. Blushing uncontrollably at times and having to hide in the toilets at work. They also ignore unique problems like being almost asexual until I was 27 which certainly put me off chasing girls and they also ignore the huge differences in gender which meant as a young straight man, well any age really the only way to get a relationship for men is to approach females risking being treated with contempt (when I already felt rightly or wrongly like I was hated)to do the talking as most females never speak first but still  slagged me off for being quiet and weird. Then I am expected to ask a girl out when I have never been anywhere as I had no friends and pick her up even though I couldn’t drive! Yeah, sounds like equality!

They also ignore that now I am this age there is absolutely no hope of having an intimate relationship so age really matters and that the rest of my life is now meaningless. They ignore that long term unemployed people especially men are treated like lazy scum and made to feel guilty thus shaming them even more. Thats why its hard to even go to a meetup on photography or walking as I am defensive about all my problems from the start and have absolutely f**k all to speak about. Oh and now I also have a bad temper (can you tell?), more like rage and intense paranoia which makes me terrible company. In fact if you are this mental almost every single aspect of human culture and society forces you to stay avoidant as you have to be normal and likeable FIRST to be accepted into any group situation.

Anyway I could go on like this for hours( What? A depressed person being negative? How bloody dare I!) but this quote about depression from another blog is spot on.

 A positive attitude cannot save us. Acknowledging that the future might get better does nothing to change the fact that the here and now is absolute shit. In fact, trying to maintain that positive attitude when you’re feeling hopeless can often worsen it, because you’re using up the rest of what little effort you have fighting a lost cause.

In reality its this simple. If you are very shy  and also miserable you repel people and they dislike you so you stay avoidant and dont recover and you feel hated. Its not just avoidance that perpetuates social anxiety. Its being treated like a c**t when you do try.





Therapy Lies

I think its a bit of a myth that doing something repeatedly makes your brain realise that there is no physical threat and so alleviates anxiety. I can see the sense of it. Like being with non threatening spiders or snakes or traveling in elevators.  Yet its not a fear of people or of physical pain, its a fear of humiliation and ridicule. Which is real because its happened in the past.  Standing in a party full of strangers for 90 minutes might alleviate anxiety if you are not attacked or ridiculed but you are still expected to initiate conversation yourself and speak with people in the right manner about the right subjects in the right voice or thought of a strange and yes they would notice you blushing and sweating and would avoid you if you came across as too boring or nervous or awkward which resets you anxiety back to 100 each time so is yet more shit advice.

If nobody notices what we do or look like when why is bullying especially at school on the rise? Bullies always pick on the weak of different. Why are there people with physical disabilities complaining of being ridiculed and attacked if nobody notices what we do and think its all in our head. Of course its not everyone but of someone calls you a name or abuses you regularly your mind is then conditioned to expect it all the time even if the majority of people say and do nothing.

I saw a woman in town yesterday. She kept stopping and doing some kind of weird dance. People looked at her and smiled quizzically.  I used to wonder if people like this were mentally unstable or just eccentric, now I wonder if they are all doing CBT. Yes most people wont say anything but as I only saw her for a few seconds and still noticed people looking at her then yes most people notice and yes many will think her strange.  And what if she is attacked?  I have mentioned before I was attacked for simply walking strangely but I also noticed people mocking me on other occasions so I became more avoidant and starting using safety behaviors like using a backpack so I dont swing my arms like a Sasquatch and having to walk slower. Does this then make some therapy a complete lie? After all I go for a walk almost every day and yet still hate it and find it getting harder.

Do you really improve social anxiety by repetition alone?

Yes, another title with a question!  I was thinking that since all social anxiety advice in books demands you simply approach complete strangers repeatedly and make small talk without any advice whatsoever on what to say, what subjects to speak about apart from the weather,how to appear natural, how to use social skills how to appear friendly without being creepy (if you are a man speaking to women!) then does just doing it over and over again really make you better and why? And remember this is the easy first thing you are supposed to do!

I got better at work from copying the world chattiest guy in our office and watching how he put people(especially girls) at ease with his witty banter. The thing is he didn’t blush, stammer, sweat or act awkward though so did not get rejected. he made jokes constantly, he was cheeky constantly and he was friendly and relaxed at all times and laughed. The opposite of me then.

Yet if I approached women at bus stops or anywhere in the city and came across as awkward and nervous and boring and depressing they would more likely see me as a nuisance treat me with contempt and this would ruin my confidence and make me more avoidant and depressed.  Thus making a mockery of rejection therapy which sounds insane to me. They might as well call it suicide therapy.

And since all small talk with strangers demands positivity and WITTY banter from the off how do I not be depressed when i regularly feel suicidal as I see no possible future? This is just as important at a structured event like a photography meet up. Why on earth do people who advice this for social anxiety think it will get better and make me better unless you just assume I am full of witty banter and that all shy people are completely normal underneath?  I am not. After all these years I have burning anger and rage, massive paranoia and a deep fear of sexual intimacy.  I hate lots of people including lots on anxiety forums.

Does this mean all advice is biased from only that persons point of view ? They assume all their problems were the same or worse and now as they recovered think they are the worlds greatest expert. Is it all delusional and assumes almost everyone with SA is under 25 and compassionate, lovely. Is there in reality basically no cure for many people but we cant handle the truth so have to create a delusional fantasy world just to make ourselves feel better.  If you just follow a set of rules you are bound to recover and if you dont its because you simply did not do the hard work required?

If you are a woman would you really like a shy awkward guy speaking to you at a bus stop or anywhere else about the weather or quantum physics for that matter? Do you assume he  wants to F**k you or is he genuinely trying to just be friendly.  If you are attractive do you really get guys coming on to you all the time so you have to learn how to deal with it.  Do they annoy you? Remember as a man I have never had any women or girl come on to me anywhere ever so really have no clue what its like. Do you think him potentially dangerous if he acts awkward or nervous? Does it matter of he’s over 40 as the advice in all SA books does not take age into account at all and yet I would feel like a dirty old perv speaking to younger women.

Why is the advice not different for women considering that most women never make first contact with a man in public and a lone man could be dangerous and many men who had a friendly woman speak to them probably would think she was coming on to them. Should women with social anxiety only speak to other women or old aged pensioners then?

Why do therapists and some people who have offered advice to me on here in the past think it will go almost certainly go well and increase my confidence and that a 40+ male virgin who speaks to no one for months and think of suicide daily will make witty banter on some unknown subject matter to a total stranger at random? When I tried things like this at work it often, no usually went badly and I become much more avoidant.

If I went out tomorrow, apart from the weather that would sound lame to say the least I have got absolutely no subjects to speak about apart from to moan and whine as I once did at my dentist who said how depressed I sounded.! Then I did not go back for 10 years!  Don’t be yourself then. More shit advice! I have not worked in 13 years and never had a relationship so have no family. Stop pretending its just a matter of forcing myself to approach strangers and opening my mouth to cure anxiety.  Once again I conclude that therapists are f**king morons.

If you are this mad it would need a complete over haul of your personality first which would take tears and requite optimism and hope. For many people this is completely impossible. There simply is no help.


Comfort Zone Challenges for Social Anxiety?

Feeling so very down again(and its not just England losing the football!) so I stopped taking any more photos. Depression and misery hits me like wave after wave some days and death seems a great idea again. I look online a lot as I speak to nobody for weeks at a time and a lot of stuff is of course about social anxiety.  But if the so called help makes me want to commit suicide and there must be lots of people with even worse SA than me, so surely it must make lots of other people with SA feel worse, self harm or want to kill themselves too.  Perhaps lots do and nobody ever finds out.

The latest thing I saw is something called comfort zone challenges where people obviously push themselves into difficult social situations in order to get better. It looks a lot like Social Mishap therapy which I posted about once before. This is one video I came across where a woman put a sign around her neck saying “Clap Once if You’re SHY LIKE ME!” and walked around Walmart in full view of people.  She says she did it to “own and embrace” her shyness.

If it helps great but she advises people with anxiety AND depression to do things like this to help them. Do you already have to be in a positive mindset to even try such things though. In my experience being depressed and then publicly ridiculed only makes me want to die, not become positive. After all many experts advise graded exposure therapy just so you wont do something overwhelming and give up and only move onto harder things once you have become habituated to that one thing first. So the total opposite then.

After all this seems VERY EXTREME. If someone even looks at me funny I want to attack them sometimes and I still struggle to make eye contact so would it really work for people as mad as me or would I go home and get blind drunk, weep uncontrollably and punch myself in the head until I was almost unconscious as I have done before  when feeling ashamed and humiliated after something went badly.

You see I would rather die than do this and I mean that quite literally as I am thinking of suicide far more often now anyway as I still see no way out. Public humiliation is not a way out for many, it just makes them worse. If someone tried to force me to do this kind of thing even if they thought it was for my own good I would pick up a knife and stab them.  This is why exposure therapy quite obviously does not work for everyone with Social anxiety as it assumes a willingness to do absolutely anything and make a complete twat of yourself repeatedly over and over again when it will probably make many people worse.

Other examples are singing badly on the street or a man wearing make-up smudged all over his face badly and going out in public.  Yes you may be brave to do this to cure your social anxiety but dont assume that then other people are then cowards. After all you are making yourself look like a complete and utter twat in public to deliberately humiliate yourself and no sane person would ever do this. People will ridicule or mock you.  In fact its possible you will get physically attacked so may not be even safe.

Trying to insinuate that shy people are cowards or that they somehow deserve to suffer for not doing the HARD WORK REQUIRED just makes some of us especially with depression feel guilty and then ashamed and then suicidal so is of NO HELP WHATSOEVER. If some therapists are not aware of this when they need retraining or sacking.  By the way I am not saying the women in the video thinks this. She actually seems very nice and likeable from several videos I watched but its obvious that many people online especially on some anxiety forums do think this tough love approach to shyness is the only way and all people must be forced into it by guilt. They are C**ts. Lots of people who recover from SA are. I bet they would not want anyone to recover by simply taking a pill as its more to do with the thought that they had to suffer to get better so everyone should.

Why spirituality is utter crap.

Somebody advised me to read some books of  Louise Hay the other day. I have never heard of her before but she appears or be some kind of motivational person. This is one of the first things I came across in her book: You can heal your life.

“I Believe That We Choose Our Parents .Each one of us decides to incarnate upon this planet at a particular point in time and space. We have chosen to come here to learn a particular lesson that will advance us upon our spiritual, evolutionary pathway. We choose our sex, our color, our country, and then we look around for the particular set of parents who will mirror the pattern we are bringing in to work on in this lifetime.”

This is just such shit  i dont know where to start. Spirituality appears to be written by some modern Western hippies and has no concept of history or human suffering in any way shape of form.   We all agree and choose the lives we live to sort of learn some shit before we enter some kind of nirvana?

Did people in past times choose to be born as slaves, to be whipped, abused and see their own children sold or raped? Would people choose to be gassed in concentration camps?  Do they choose to be burnt alive or hung drawn and quartered as some where in medieval Europe?  What the F**K did they learn exactly? That pain and suffering is not very nice?  Did people choose to die in childbirth or shorty afterwards?  What can you learn in a few days or weeks before your brain even develops to think? There are over 1 billion Chinese and 1 billion Indian people. What did so many people choose to be born there when western Europe and America is much richer?  5000 children die from disease and malnutrition each week in the third world. Why would people choose to be born and to die this way if they had a choice?

If people learn a lesson then when they are reborn they are completely rebooted so forget everything they have learnt in previous lives anyway.  Have I been a shy man for 5000 years and keep coming back to learn how to chat a woman up. In which case I could just choose to come back as a woman and then get men chat me up. If we have this ridiculous Higher Self concept which agrees on our behalf  to all our pain and suffering beforehand then its not us, its a completely separate entity with no permission from us at all. If we choose to come back to such awful pain and suffering then the alternative must be so horrendous that its beyond comprehension. (watching England lose in world cup finals for eternity?)

Every aspect of spirituality falls to pieces under any scrutiny and shows you that its just like all religions, just a man made coping strategy based on complete fantasy. F**k the law of attraction, I think the law of evolution is far more relevant to how we behave.  We evolved after all from small single cell life forms billions of years ago. At what point did our souls say lets get inside this body thing and live on earth! When we were lizards, mammals, primates or only since humans evolved? What happens to animals souls? Do they they get upgraded and one day become human so one day my dog will come back as someone called Vanessa and live in Chiswick( a place in the UK) working for a bank?

So simply because I am shy I choose to be born to some shy parents in England just so I could face my fears of being shy? Face my F**KING fears? The last generation were fighting the Luftwaffe over the channel. Our ancestors for millennia were involved in war and a daily fight for survival. Yet I am supposed to f**king chat women up as bus stops? Well I have not learned anything, my life is f**king as good as over and I am NOT F**King coming back again ( unless of course I am forced to as the alternative is horrendous in which case its not really a choice is it?)  Where shall I come back next time? Croatia as an international footballer so I learn to be the centre of attention? I wonder what the thousands of people who chose to come back to starve to death in childhood in the third world are supposed to be learning.  Were they all fat bastards in a previous life. This shit is as bad as someone saying disabled people are being punished for a previous life isn’t it? ITS COMPLETE BOLLOCKS!