I went to the country park yesterday afternoon for the first time since the spring. It was quite good and I felt peaceful at times but with so many people around I never feel relaxed for long. Walking in nature is hard when there isn’t any nearby and you live in the middle of a city. Even this costs about £5 by bus so is only affordable about once a week. Every time I tried to take some pictures of the deer people ran over with their phone cams as they do everywhere nowadays which was very irritating as it often scares the deer off. Despite the number of people I passed I never have the urge to smile at complete strangers and say hello as the often totally useless advice for anxiety advises. Walking in nature is supposed to cure depression but has very little benefit in the long term if you feel shit again as soon as you get home. Well actually that’s a lie, I felt more relaxed last night but after a poor nights sleep I feel bad again today, so the exercise did not help me sleep.
Unfortunately my insomnia has also returned after 3 months of sleeping better. I took a sleeping tablet on Wednesday night but then felt awful the next day and last night I didn’t take one after a better night on Thursday but only slept for about 4 hours and still feel awful the today. Sleep is very important for mental health but if you live in a noisy area and cant move house then there is little you can do apart from drink. All ear plugs have been utterly useless which shows how loud the neighbours are.
It went cloudy and dull despite the forecast of sun. Then quite unexpectedly on the way home I saw this amazing sunset. I couldn’t quite capture it in all its beauty as it was gone within a few minutes and I was in the wrong spot. Things happen unexpectedly sometimes. I had spoken to someone on my last 4 walks but left yesterday without saying a word to anyone but as the sunset appeared so did a dog walker behind me who said some brief words about how wonderful it was. Small talk is a non event for most normal people but for me who only talks to myself all day and no one else for months even this is still unusual.
I am having problems sleeping again. Although I fall asleep OK I wake early and cannot fall back to sleep. Then I feel absolutely awful all day. However I have found that some allergy tablets have much the same effect as sleeping tablets and make me drowsy. Quite surprisingly they have made me feel happier and less negative in the day. Perhaps medication can help better than CBT although I wonder if they have any long term affects. I know its unlikely to last but any alternative to the way I was feeling previously is welcomed.
I am wondering if its a good idea to buy 192 sleeping tablets in one go off of Amazon . If I get a bad day the temptation is there to take the lot with alcohol and hope I dont wake up again.Just one usually knocks me out so badly that I have trouble getting up. I was supposed to go out today as it was sunny but I seem to ache more after having had one and my anxiety is worse so I dither and procrastinate and usually struggle to leave the house. However not taking any results in me waking up in the night and not going back to sleep again and I still feel shit the next day. No advice for insomnia works as it completely ignores your house,circumstances and living arrangements. If I could buy a detached house in a quiet peaceful area I would never get insomnia again(probably). You cant kill your noisy neighbours(legally anyway).
Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain
Only one step away
Like four seasons in one day
People are hypocritical all the time aren’t they? Again and again they urge you to go out and do things and then if you dont act like they expect or want you to they dont like you or want anything to do with you again thus making you feel worse. Then they wonder why you are negative and avoidant. In reality having severe anxiety and paranoia makes you speak to yourself, get angry all the time at almost every thing and you dont even have a grasp on reality. (just me then?)If someone wants to speak about the state of politics or what’s happening in the news to you its of no more relevance than speaking about the history of Chinese porcelain during the Ming dynasty as your mind is trying to cope with day to day living and just trying to get more than 2 hours sleep for a change. Even going to the shops becomes a major ordeal.You aren’t relaxed, you cant laugh, smile or joke or even think of anything to say. This isn’t simple shyness that can be cured by a night out and a bit of a chat.
Yet you often try, you try because of guilt, of people constantly trying to make out its your fault for being avoidance,not doing enough, being negative and even cowardly. You hope you pray, you try again and again sometimes for years and yet often it ends in more failure and more avoidance. That’s because doing these things is like trying to run a race with a broken leg. You already have things wrong with you and they need to be fixed and healed first. The lies are that many people assume or think that going out with strangers when you are in a terrible mental state is the cure or will help you when its exactly the same as trying to run with a broken leg and will often make you feel far worse. The biggest problem is that curing these things first is hard to impossible because they require help and support and many people with such problems have none and are totally alone. The support of strangers on the internet is non existent as they also require you to have recovered to a certain level before they want to befriend you otherwise you are too boring, negative and hard work for them and as they often have mental health problems themselves they often need someone to help them. The result is the people with the worst anxiety often get secondary conditions such as depression, paranoia and never recover. All hope is F*cked because in reality the entire world is really based on survival of the fittest and the mentally ill are faulty and weak so humanity ridicules and ignores them.
I joined elefriends yesterday. Its a site for people with mental health problems. As usual I got some people saying hello as they always do when first joining such sites but then I am lost and alone again. The reason these sites are pretty useless is that they only help those who are the least mentally ill. When you are down, negative and feeling almost suicidal most of the time its much harder to post anything and when you do people almost always ignore you as many are actually looking for a saviour. I dont think that many people are looking to give support. They need support and want to know that other humans exist even if only online but many are looking for someone great to come into their lives.
This is true for the main UK social anxiety forum (SAUK) which I have used for over 10 years.
I had some people contact me and we even sent messages to each other for a while but they all stop and never contact me again. They were looking for someone better than me, normal, someone to help them. Apart from one long time friend I met on that site I have had virtually no positive outcome in years. It actually reinforces feelings of being an outsider and not wanted as all people on these sites are just as judgemental as normal people, if not more so. As mentioned many times people with mental health often dont get better as there really is no support unless you already had a good supportive family or friends before you went mentally ill. If you have never had such support and been mentally ill for almost your whole life its much harder to get out of the mire as you stay alone. That’s because everyone avoids you and doesn’t want to see you again and so your whole life is full of negative experiences.
I may try not taking the sleeping pills for a while. I have a much stronger urge to die and not exist in the last few days so they obviously have side effects and my negativity and feelings of anxiety, restlessness and hopelessness have rocketed. I will try and hold on until I see the doctor in a couple of weeks even though I am doubtful he will give a flying F**k or offer any help whatsoever.
A bad day depression wise. It sometimes feels like being stuck in the quicksand, trying to fight against the incoming tide and waiting to drown.I take sleeping tablets and alcohol and feel terrible the next day or none and then dont sleep much, wake up early and still feel terrible the next day. Hmm hard choice. I looked at quite a lot of websites for anxiety and depression but they appear to be mostly useless with the standard advice of keep busy or they want you to send them money. My urge to be dead was its strongest for years this afternoon and I had to stop the old habit to start punching myself in the head but then it already hurt from headaches. I still dont know what to tell the doctor but as I am going anyway for a check up I might as well mention being a mentalist.I tried to keep busy gardening and shopping for paint. I may paint a lot over Easter, not artistic, just rooms. It helps somehow.
Favourite song of the moment.