What It’s Like to Be a 58-Year-Old Virgin

While looking on the American social anxiety forum I came across this link on a 58 year old virgin. Yes, someone even older than me! Its always implied in our society that 99.9999 of people have f**ked by the age of 18 and that all virgins are freaks and should be ashamed as if they have committed some crime. However, in reality there must be lots of people who have never done it, asexuals  and people with mental and physical disabilities as well as the very mad like me.

Here are some excerpts from the link;

So, when you say you’re a virgin, how do you define that? Have you engaged in any sexual acts at all?
“Nothing whatsoever, with anybody. I gave a girl a kiss on the lips when I was a kid, but it wasn’t a make-out or anything. That was before adolescence; those hormones and desires hadn’t kicked in. “

The last, and the only, time you kissed a girl was nearly 50 years ago.

ME;Well thats one more than me. I have never kissed anything except my dogs.

Have you ever seen a woman naked, in real life?
“When I was in my 20s, I lived by a lake and I saw some skinny dippers, but I didn’t talk to them because I didn’t think they’d be interested in me.”

ME;No, never. I had to look on the internet to see what female private parts even looked like. Argh, they are as ugly as men’s parts!

When you were younger, did you fantasize about having sex a lot?
“Of course.”

ME;Not me, almost never. I had only two erections before the age of 27. Ah there’s your problem.

How often did you masturbate?
“Every second or third day. Sometimes I would go a week or a week and a half. I never had any problems reaching an orgasm.”

ME; Before 27 almost never, after well quite a lot.

Did you date or have girlfriends?
“I’ve only ever been on one date and I have never been in a relationship.”

ME; No, never.  In fact in 20 years of work I barely spoke to a female in a friendly way and although I had some male friends I never went to clubs or bars or anywhere as I was too ashamed of my shyness.

Do you think it’s harder trying to lose your virginity if you’re a man because you have to initiate?
“I think so. Women either think I’m going too slow or too fast and I can’t seem to find an in between.”

Obviously. Women barely even speak to a man first anywhere unless they already know him and trust him.  Then if he acts shy she sees it as a rejection and runs a mile. If a women acts shy the guy usually carries on chatting her up.

What happens when you try to talk to women?
“My mind just goes blank. There’s nothing I can think to say.”

ME; Yes me too I used to do that and also blush and stammer and sweat uncontrollably.  Feel the fear and do it anyway didn’t work as women don’t like people who make them feel uncomfortable.  VERY SHY MEN make almost all women feel VERY uncomfortable. I wasn’t sweet or cute. Girls didn’y like me. This is the HUGE difference in social anxiety in regards gender differences. Men and women do not act the same way at all when it comes to flirting. In fact I felt hated and thats why I avoided girls even more.

What’s the hardest part about being a 58-year-old-virgin?
“Laying alone at night, falling asleep and then getting up in the morning and remembering you’re alone. It’s like waking up to the same nightmare every single day.”

That is true, In fact I often wake up and wish I had died in the night. However its also looking on Facebook and seeing even the complete assholes I used to work with all married with kids now. It seems it does not matter what you look like and what your personality is like almost everybody finds someone. So social anxiety is much more serious that people think and has also wrecked my career and even meant I quit college. Then the final kick in the nuts is that you are always the one blamed for not doing enough even though its not your fault, then when you do try and act shy people treat you like a piece of scum.

In fact I wonder how many suicides which are attributed to depression and also deaths from alcohol and drug abuse and even being made homeless have social anxiety as the route cause. Probably quite a lot.


Sex and Intimacy

At the heart of my lunacy and resulting sadness is the knowledge that I cant have a loving intimate relationship now. Its over. Too late for this lifetime.  There was a dating expert offering advice to older people on TV this morning who was so annoying I just wanted to punch him. One of those motivational assholes “Just do it! Get out there! What have you got to lose!” a man with a trendy haircut.  He advised one women who was 61 that “You could have 50 years left!”(Really? a tad overoptimistic maybe?) “You will look back on this in 10 years time and think you looked great, regrets are worse than rejection. I want you to go out today and deliberately get rejected.” which she said she would as if his motivational clap trap had already brainwashed her. I wonder if she is going to chat someone up at Tesco. I wonder how a 61 year old woman even makes the fist move in order to get rejected considering even most young women never make the first move. Shhh its true!

Funny but getting rejected in any way(not sexually obviously!) or even spoken to badly would always make me feel worse and I would become more avoidant, not get used to it. And then of course there are just so many women who complain about guys coming on to them all the time and yet all therapy says that you should come on to women all the time! Confusing eh? However, if you are already shy and awkward you may as well be dribbling and scratching your groin as you talk as almost all women hate shy awkward men so  you will get rejected( or reported or harassment!)

I don’t know if its because I did not ejaculate until I was 27 so perhaps my mind is 15 years behind what it should be but I find most women my age to be wrinkly , looking old and well as sexually appealing as a haddock. Yes , I know I am too but that just makes it even harder. The idea that I must find women my age attractive because other people demand it doesn’t make it true any more than demanding I turn gay and find hairy bearded men attractive or that I should want to shag sheep. The weird thing is that people seem to think that men are perverts for liking younger women but almost all people look their most attractive in their twenties and thirties and get uglier with age and almost all rich men(or my former manager!) go for and easily get younger women(what a surprise!)

Its not even about sex now as I have gone without that for all my life anyway. Its really about intimacy,love, growing old with someone. It always has been really. its about sharing my life with someone and being with someone and most importantly just holding someone when feeling down. But I still have to be attracted to them.

Of course I would also have to have financial stability first anyway which means a job is an essential and that looks just as impossible to me as dating as I have numerous problems including health. This is why I am getting more depressed with each day that passes and am starting to want to leave more. All hope is gradually being diminished as I cant see any therapy or treatment that would help as I would still have enormous difficulty getting anyone to employ me and doing a job that I hate would not make me any happier so my depression comes from real problems which need fixing, not a chemical imbalance. This is why all motivational stuff just makes me feel more depressed. I just read that someone who got much better saw their therapists for over 3 years! The NHS gives you 12 weeks at most.  Do people who advise going to a private therapist think everyone is already a millionaire?

It is Finished!

On Friday I went to Lincoln cathedral as I did last year. It was really to pray and try to get some peace and think for a while. The Christmas market was over the previous weekend so it was quite peaceful once you climb the hill and  get out of the main shopping area.

I was still very agitated and anxious when I got there. This is because I had been this way for the last few weeks as my anxiety had been getting steadily worse. When I got in and it was almost empty apart from some staff looking at me I became so anxious I almost left. I did not speak very well to the cashier(yes its £8 to get in!). This again proves that when you are  depressed and anxious then doing stuff like meeting people doesn’t cure you like the long list of things they advise for depression. My f**ked up depressed mind made me act anxious, feel terrible and I did not enjoy much at all. To top it all there was a 2 hour journey there and back on a crowded train and there were also some art students drawing all over the place so it was not as peaceful as I hoped and I once again become paranoid and thought some laughed at me.

In a private chapel I stood before the sculpture(above) that represented the face of Christ and as I touched it all I could think of was “IT IS FINISHED! which are supposedly the last words he said on the cross before he died and went to heaven. I then prayed to him to take me soon and let me die quickly. Last year I prayed for help or death. he gave me neither. Perhaps he never existed or is a bit deaf. This was the only time I felt spiritual all day. This life is a complete waste of time and is finished. Nothing has worked, nothing I think and do has ever helped for long. I am now far too old for any miracles and almost every single day I feel deep misery and exhaustion but also burning ANGER and RAGE. There is virtually no help available and those that claim there is demand you just change your mind and go around talking and being happy to strangers which shows once again that they have never truly felt intense misery and have not the the slightest clue what years of this can do to you. I have no intention of getting to the stage of begging on the street as a homeless man.

On Saturday morning while making breakfast I had a sudden pain going across my left side and especially my heart. I become dizzy and had to sit down. It ached for several hours and again when I became anxious later on. I thought he had heard me and it was about to be over but not yet, there are still some things to do but hopefully soon he will take me. There is nothing left.

O Come All Ye Faithful

I saw this quote earlier today and realised I have been thinking pretty much the same for quite some time now. Years in fact, especially when my elderly mother was dying slowly. Its not always going back to bed I crave as I wake early almost every day and can’t sleep again but I often wait all day for night to come when I can drink as I have been drinking almost every evening for some time now.  I often wake up in the night after more bad dreams and wish I would die. And no I dont want to come back again to confront my problems like some hideous nightmare as some people believe. This is how depression makes you feel and yet the self help sites are full of absolutely unbelievably shit motivational tips and quotes.  Get up early and do stuff! Yes more housework is going to make a lot of difference! See your friends! See my other 500 posts on social anxiety an lack of any friends.  My depression is not caused by chemical imbalance so cant be cured by pills. There never was a normal life to go back to.

I again look at the only meetup group in my city which I could attend which is for photography and imagine how to make small talk,having to explain being unemployed for YEARS and YEARS, not being in a relationship and never having had one even though I am over 40, having absolutely no family or friends and apart from photography having nothing to speak about at all. This is even without my awkwardness, social anxiety and depression for them to deal with so the idea of just meeting a bunch of strangers to make you feel better is complete bollocks and shows how bad the advice is.  If the advice is to avoid negative people then they would avoid me so what do you do if you are the negative one? Drink?  Such meets demand enthusiasm, friendliness and social skills to even start with and I have none. Why is there never any advice whatsoever to even get to the level of meeting people? Is it because there is none? When you are so far down mentally and physically and have no support then death is the only result, the inevitable conclusion? I have certainly seen no help for my problems by looking at CBT and therapy. Some even think exercise cures you of depression!

I think Christmas is making things worse again. Today has been awful with wave after wave of depression and misery and feelings of wanting to die. Taking a shower, going for a walk and dong some gardening or housework(the usual shit advice for depression) are about as effective as putting a small bandage on an freshly amputated leg. Little helps if you are this lonely, depressed and your life is a complete mess and has been for decades. Your personality has changed beyond recognition and as nobody wants you then you stay alone and never get better. I did not have a wife, partner, kids or family to begin with so can’t get help from them.I see the end of another year when nothing has changed in the slightest and I still see absolutely no way out or escape whatsoever other than death.  The prospect of applying for a job I could get, do and which I would not hate is as achievable as being told to chat up and marry a supermodel after being a lifelong dateless virgin.  I came close to self harming again earlier but must get past Christmas first.  All this negative shit and I have not even drunk anything yet. Better start now.


The Loneliness I Hide

“Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide.

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away”

Peter Gabriel; The Washing of the Water.

The loneliness is one of the hardest things to cope with. Of course I have never even been in a relationship and some people may have expected me to get used to being a sad loner by now but I never have. Sadness becomes a way of life. It infests my very soul and turns people away even when you do occasionally try to connect. Sad people are losers and hard work. Other constant feelings are envy and bitterness even if you try to hide it and hope it will go away yet it always returns.

What did you do to deserve this? Nothing yet they blame you for not doing enough to put it right like its all your own fault.  At least when I was working I had contact with people and was even  beginning to almost feel normal(ish) towards the end but since my redundancy I have sunk into the abyss and see no way out. I never have, not even for a second. I realise that I was just kidding myself to imagine something would happen. It never did and never will.  Things dont get better just because a self help site says they will.  People will just suggest the usual things of going to meet ups but as a social inept and depressed loner OVER 40 its a particularly difficult thing to do. Christmas is an especially depressing time and I have even spent the last 4 years since my mothers death at the cemetery on Christmas day afternoon just to get out. No doubt in a RomCom this is a situation for two lonely sad people to meet and fall in love. In real life nothing ever happens.

There were three meetup groups in my area that looked slightly vaguely doable (on a good day)for a moment. The social anxiety one collapsed within weeks due to lack of interest(what a surprise!) and the walking one is often way out in the countryside at early times so you need a car. The photography one always go for some kind of meal afterwards which puts me off as I cant abide talking with a group of strangers looking at me. How do I explain my long term unemployment to them. Shame, guilt embarrassment all get worse not better when you feel like you have done something wrong and I dread the questions of “Hows the job hunting going?” or “Have you got a job yet?” every time I see them.  Thats why I have not been back to the dentist. I feel like I need people with support and understanding but there is no depression or anxiety group in my city at all.

Of course to admit you are lonely is to admit you are weird or a loser and will get you ignored even more. Just like appearing too desperate. I would not even contemplate dating now at my age even if I had a job and ignoring my huge problems with sex.  Young people just assume as you get older you start to fancy other old people like its normal and you see older pensioners on dating shows who still even appear to be sexually active. In reality the mind has barely changed since I was in my twenties. This means I still feel attracted to females in their twenties and thirties and sometimes forties but hardly any people my own age at all any more.  This also means that the fantasy(a normal loving relationship) has already left the building. People who say its never too late are F**king liars.

Do shy people make normal people feel uncomfortable?

“I’m not sure shy people realise sometimes how inadvertently uncomfortable they can make non-shy people,”
This is an interesting quote from the social anxiety forum especially as I was VERY aware of how uncomfortable I made others feel especially females which is why I never ever tried to chat one up!  Its true though! In fact its f**king obvious! Very shy people make normals very uncomfortable so they dislike and avoid us making it much harder to fit in and ever be accepted into society. They guilt trip us for not doing enough and then ignore that people hate us for acting shy when we do try!
My reply was;
 Really, I thought this was the problem with shy people as we are too worried what others think of us all the time and how we make others feel. I felt very disliked at work for being shy and making other people uncomfortable which is why I could never even try and chat a girl up and partly why I have not been to any meets especially anxiety meets plus I am now a similar age to you and so too old. There was a new SA meetup group in my city a few weeks ago but despite 50 members it closed down already due to lack of interest!

By contrast all the self help books and sites I have looked at in the last year seem to imply that this is maladaptive thinking, most people dont even notice our behaviour and its not really important and that we should just keep trying. This is obviously lies as people are very judgmental in my experience did notice everything especially as when I was in my twenties I used to blush and stammer and sweat uncontrollably which made people very uncomfortable and so has taken away all confidence in CBT or that therapists have any idea what they are talking about.

I am not expecting a sensible reply or debate though. All my past experience of SAUK tells me that people love to argue, call you names, belittle you and generally think they are superior. Good God that’s the reason why so many people are shy in the first place as they had parents and other people treat them this way in their upbringing.  Then they just copy the behaviour and treat others this way!


How Will You Go?

Escape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long hard nights of drinking

How Will You Go? Crowded House

I think the overwhelming sadness is one of the harder things to cope with. Its always been there since I was a little boy. The not fitting in or feeling normal, the family always being a bit strange and the underlying tension, the complete lack of security as if always standing on a cliff edge and feeling like at any time I would be pushed over. This started at school which I absolutely hated and never really stopped.

Then people say its your fault for not trying hard enough, heaping yet more guilt on a mind racked with self doubt for decades when of course most people dont even have to try that hard because these things are supposed to be normal and available to everyone. You didn’t ask to be this way but if you dont do everything they say to be normal its still all your own fault.

Sometimes I want to lie down and cry and yet no one else must know as they dont really understand and most dont care anyway.  Self pity is reviled from society especially from people who think its all your own fault as you did not work as hard as them. In fact people who have supposedly recovered are often the most critical of all as they were hard on themselves to succeed and so think that gives them the right to be just as hard on you too. It doesn’t, they’re simply selfish ass-holes.  All the hopes and dreams you had for yourself are pretty much gone forever now. You mourn for what you could/should of had, that love you always wanted, the family life and children that would have been yours but for a minor alteration in the wiring of your brain. All those fantasies and hopes you you waited your whole  life for did not happen, they stayed just fantasies.

I dont much care now if its all over. I keep finding myself saying  I want to go quite often as its all becoming tiresome and boring. I dont see much hope for the future and absolutely no self help site, book or person has shown me any whatsoever. In fact for many people optimism seems to be no more than a delusional fantasy based on making things up that they like the sound of. The more I look for hope the more depressed I become as quite simply if you’re mental,weird or different its hard to fit in to normal society as they dont want you. If there is some kind of afterlife or not who cares. Existence in misery is no kind of life at all. The hope of youth, that it would all change and come good one day like the end of a story has vanished long ago. The only thing I have learnt from life is the unfairness and random nature of it.  Some of the worst of mankind have everything while so many good people have nothing.