Christmas Time

In the middle of this gloom of depression and loneliness I am very grateful for my one and only true friend who I have known and visited for the last 13 years and who I shall hopefully be spending this Christmas with. I know many people have no one at all and Christmas is the worst time of year.  I took this picture last year in front of their tree. This was the first Christmas I has spent with someone in over 20 years.



If Necessary Alone


The one thing that I can never get over as I probably come to the end of this life is never finding anyone at all. Perhaps it’s all a fantasy anyway as so many people have lots of bad relationships and never find that one true love.  Lots of people of course just put up with someone for years so they are not alone. Yet the regrets, the pain the loneliness never truly goes away for long and rips at my heart almost daily.  They shame and guilt you as if you have done something evil when in reality you are the one that has suffered. Humanity is a total C**T sometimes.  Well, lots of times. And as its because of my anxiety I will of course always get the blame as if it’s simply a choice. Its your fault for not having the guts to approach and chat up girls even though I was EXCRUCIATINGLY AWKWARD so repelled girls, do things, go places etc. feel the fear and do it anyway etc! All mental health conditions are regarded as a choice because people are still ignorant of the mind and how it works.  Yet I used to blush uncontrollably and had horrendous nerves so even making basic conversation was extremely awkward which makes the “just do it!” advice meaningless.

However the biggest lie of all in regards help for social anxiety is pretending that nobody notices your shy behaviour or that that people dont dislike you.  In reality severe shyness makes other people VERY uncomfortable especially in regards a man trying to speak to attractive women and you are often regarded as a freak, abnormal and people disregard anything you say or do as if you dont even exist. Just like using the anxiety forum! You become more avoidant because of the way people treat you and deliberately ostracize you. This is common human behavior and has happened to anyone deemed different in a bad way since humans first existed.  When the JUST DO IT! bullies try to blame you for everything its important to remember that often when i did try I still got treated like shit and so become more avoidant. So I am still confused whey so many CBT exposures insist you deliberately humiliate yourself. So you get used to being ridiculed? How will that increase you confidence?

The only girls I ever saw regularly were at work usually only in the canteen on breaks as I worked in a warehouse and I also had no friends and no social circles at all out of work. What was i supposed t do?  Stand by the coffee machine waiting to pounce on any attractive girl with witty banter which I didn’t have? Trying to make small talk to a complete stranger and be funny, charming, nice with no common interests in order to get her to like me without blushing and unbearable awkwardness and having no idea what to say was close to impossible. Even now thinking of going back in time to that ONE GIRL EVER at work who knew I liked her and appeared to like me back and said hello to me but then she still expected me to chat her up so I am still clueless as to what I could have said. Hello, you’re attractive, I fancy you. Hmmm. Nothing else. Ask her out?  Where to? I had never been to a pub, club, restaurant, any place of entertainment and never went anywhere or did anything. I did not even have car to pick her up or go places.


In reality I was so socially incompetent (was?) that I would have needed intensive social skills training and lessons in the most basic concepts of human behaviour, small talk and dating even before I tried to talk to girls or socialise at all. In those days there was not even the internet to look things up. It’s almost like expecting someone kept in a cellar all their childhood and let out at 18 to know what to have done. I was completely clueless how to act even without my social anxiety.  I could never get over that simply being born male it was up to me to make the first move every time and that it was supposed to be instinctive or enjoyable when it felt totally unnatural and that you are always called a coward if you cant. This is why so much of the advice is useless as it already assumes that you are mostly normal in so most ways and its just a little bit of shyness holding you back and when you face your fears it all goes well.

Then before you know it your time has gone. Decades go by, nothing got better. Now it’s way too late and yet there is still this blind fury of burning rage that has never diminished even for a second. To see so many men who were complete tossers who openly spoke about women and girls like shit and all of them still did better, socially and in employment due to a coincidence of circumstances is sickening.  I still can’t believe that so many men who are complete arseholes find it so easy to date and that they still find women desperate or stupid enough to go out with them.

And yet even with all these years of  pain and loneliness I would never even contemplate CBT exposure therapy for a second as death and non existence is always better than yet more humiliation. Yet I would always rather go to battle and face pain or death as my ancestors did so the accusations of cowardice mean nothing. That therapists dont get this only proves to me that they are completely clueless as to what social anxiety is really like or how the mind works. The people who adored CBT and do the more radical things to challenge their shyness such as singing on the street or asking every single women in a restaurant out to deliberately get rejected must simply have a different type of anxiety. They are not braver, more likely brainwashed.

Is the treatment for social anxiety actually cruel compared to that for depression?

And more importantly does it need to be?

The cure for most phobias is to gradually face your fears, then hopefully realise that there is no threat. Although a fear of heights is not hard to avoid unless you are a window cleaner or rock climber. I have never even seen a snake outside of a zoo in England so it’s hardly life changing and even a fear of spiders does not usually stop people marrying, having kids or affect their career. Yet people talk about these all the time as if they are common. Socially anxiety affects all these normal life events and more. That’s because you can’t usually avoid people unless you dont leave the house. It may if left unchecked result in intense depression and even suicide.

The non meds CBT cure for depression is to make you do more of the things that you used to enjoy and give you hope. There is usually some sympathy and understanding.  By comparison the cure for social anxiety is to make you face your fears over and over again and hope you get used to it. And then some people like to insinuate that it’s all your own fault for not doing the hard work and that you deserve to suffer for being a coward as if you have committed some heinous crime. There are posts like that on the anxiety forum, the tough love approach. This one person even ridicules people for living off benefits as if they are scroungers. What a C**T. I am sure more guilt tripping is only going to make such people even more ashamed and think of killing themselves. The Kick Up the Backside approach only works for moderate shyness you stupid folker. If its more serious and combined with depression it actually makes many people worse. She even mocks people for still living at home as if they should be ashamed . Again this encourages suicide. Many such people are already ashamed. yet as the dumb ignorant ****er is apparently being positive she still gets some kind of good feedback as if its help. How is taking the piss out of people help?

Anyway I never really had a fear of attractive girls, public speaking or being the centre of attention. I had a fear of the resulting humiliation these things caused which was much worse than pain. so my brain realising that I cant get killed or hurt by repeating socially humiliating tasks over and over again will not help, as I still face humiliation. Social events that made me anxious often resulted in public ridicule and isolation. Not being physically threatened did not stop my anxiety or make it get less.

A shy man forcing himself to speak to a pretty woman may do better than expected and gain confidence. A man who acts excruciatingly shy and awkward will often make her feel very uncomfortable and get a bad reaction which only makes him more avoidant. Something even the CBT therapists have not got a grasp on at all. The humiliation this brings stays with you for life and the fear of it coming back never goes away. If you choose death over CBT and exposures then its more serious

The only physical comparison I can think of is that its like getting run over by a bad driver in a car. It’s not your fault that you are now ill. Social anxiety for instance is almost always caused by upbringing or events in childhood. However just like a car crash which requires months of intensive physiotherapy we are the only ones that can improve our health and situation. Therapy for social anxiety requires months or years of putting ourselves in discomforting and uncomfortable situations which may actually cause intense humiliation. If done badly just like physiotherapy it can make us much worse. They even try t get some people to sing on the street and make complete morons of themselves in public. Then they wonder why 80% of people never seek treatment.

The thing is I could imagine my-self doing intensive physiotherapy as I used to do lots and lots of weight trying until I could barely stand up.  I could handle certain amounts of physical pain or exhaustion. Yet doing things that would create intense humiliation like trying to make lame small talk to strangers or public speaking and I would rather be punched unconscious. That’s because humiliation is far worse for me and of course you already have to be happy and positive to even start talking making CBT pointless. You also have to not blush, stammer and act mute which I was once but the memories remain. Even without the now constant hopelessness and depression if you would put me back in the body of a 21 year old again with no depression I would still probably rather die that do intensive CBT. That’s because CBT only works for people who are already motivated and have hope.  If you have the drive and motivation to do absolutely anything to change your social anxiety then great but stop pretending that people who have failed are all weak or simply cowards and deserving of pain and loneliness. In another place and time I would have fought in battle and to the death as my ancestors did. Cowardice is not all the same.

All I have to do is dream

When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

One of those emotional dreams again last night.  Its as if my mind tries to take me back in time and make things right.  I was with a girl who is an actress currently on UK TV.  I was young again and the same age as her. We were about to start going out together but the thing I was most excited about was having someone to go places with on Saturdays and especially at Christmas. Just so I would not be alone as all my day trips walks and visits usually are.  What’s worse is I started to realise that it was not real  as I realised it was just a dream and in this lifetime that ship has already long sailed.  Maybe the lunatics who believe in all this spirituality shit are right and that I will be reborn again in another place and another time and get to have another go.  Although if I get extremely weird and useless parents again it’ll probably be exactly the same.

Are you single because you dont feel worthy?


This came up on the anxiety forum recently. The idea that our social anxiety especially in context of getting a relationship is based on ourselves thinking that we are not good enough, not worthy of love or attention of others. I didn’t. I worked with young men who had much worse morals than me. I did not even feel unattractive and the girls who once knew I liked them showed some interest in me where very attractive themselves. The only thing that stopped me was uncontrollable debilitating anxiety almost certainly due to upbringing.

This is my reply and I did get somewhat angry in parts as there was the usual post of its all your own fault, all faulty thinking and everyone will get someone eventually by brainwashed people who have done CBT and think they are now experts. People on the forum still apologise for being negative. I got 25/27 on a depression test. Go figure.

My reply;

I actually thought myself superior than many of the men I worked with so i never saw myself as not worthy or unlovable. The worlds most vile bastards after all almost all still get relationships. I worked with guys who joked about raping girls. one boasted of chatting fat girls up to then dropping them as if he got a thrill from the power he had over them. Others had vile porn on their PC’s. then when the office girls came round they would still be giggling their heads off with these guys as they went into witty banter mode as most normal men do naturally. The same girls would often give me a look of disdain as I was weird and quiet and did not chat them up or put them at ease. This is where much of the bitterness comes from. The unfairness of it and being treated like I was evil for something I had little control over. Evolution is cruel and ruthless and we are just an animal after all. Then some people who have gone through therapy and supposedly got better think everyone just needs a good kick up the backside and try to imply its all just your own fault for not trying hard enough almost as if you have committed some hideous crime when we are the ones who have suffered. We have not harmed anyone else after all so no one has got the have this anger. They should have tried speaking to a girl up while blushing stammering and having other men laughing their heads off at you. I wont be admonished by anyone any-more.


I went a three hour walk yesterday afternoon to the botanic gardens. I did not see much but took the photo of the specked wood butterfly above.

Fear of never finding anyone?



For single people, does the fear of never finding anyone plague you?

This was a question on the anxiety forum recently. This was my reply.

“Its never been really a fear although there’s always been the hidden sadness behind everything and the realisation that it was never going to happen. Relationships were always what happened to other people and not me and nothing changed. I saw other young men at work chasing girls almost like a wildlife documentary. They had this deep desire and urge like a primal instinct. This was simply never there for me. I had no group of male peers, no friends so no pressure to comply as I never went out socialising. I also had a very low sex drive and simply did not have this insatiable urge to chase females. I never had a female befriend me at work let alone ask me out so it felt quite different speaking to males compared to females. Although I worked in a large company for 20 years I only got a small amount of attention from a few girls and that was only after they knew I liked them first and then all they would do was smile at best so I knew it was always up to me to approach and chat them up which I found almost impossible without a severe panic attack.

Thats because I found that debilitating shyness of blushing, sweating and being incapable of coherent speech let alone being expected to make jokes and chat up  girls to be so humiliating I probably would have chosen death first rather than feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Its still something I think even many people who have had social anxiety and the self books have no concept of, the intense fear of humiliation which had me hiding in the toilets punching myself in the head and considering suicide when most of the young men my age were out at nightclubs each week and enjoying their life. Many girls say they like shy guys but I think crippling shyness makes people especially females deeply awkward and uncomfortable and is very unattractive. Its not even possible to have a conversation let alone date.In fact confidence is always one of the most attractive qualities women want in polls as confident men are usually more successful.

Even though I dont have debilitating shyness any more I find that my depression, paranoia and other issues to have gotten worse to compensate so I dont see an intimate relationship possible in this lifetime even if I got rid of all social anxiety tomorrow. Looking up help for depression and social anxiety has only increased my negativity as it looks completely useless to me and offers no hope whatsoever. Opportunities diminish greatly with time for a variety of reasons.”

I almost deleted it today but thought F**K it. People say be truthful and just be yourself and yet there is still this pressure not be negative or be seen to be wallowing in self pity either. Its a lose, lose situation. The majority of a group especially self help forums try to demand optimism and hope and stop people expressing their true feelings thus keeping the most depressed quiet and still depressed.  Thats why so many suicidal people stay quiet. Nobody wants to hear you because you depress them!

That really is me in the photo. I was alone and used the self timer.  I thought about jumping but it was only about 30 feet!