The Deserving Mad?

“As in the past, modern governments differentiate between the ‘deserving’ and the ‘undeserving’ poor. The ‘deserving’ are those in need who are unable to work because they are too old, disabled, or too sick. The ‘undeserving’ are people who don’t want to work and often it is assumed that all able-bodied unemployed people fit into that category. 

 It was necessary to ensure that  ‘welfare’ kept the unemployed in a poorer and more miserable state than the lowliest worker in order to ensure that there remained an incentive to work at even the worst of jobs.With regard to the other class, the unemployable, the wastrel and the loafer, the sternest measures are necessary.”

In lots of  ways little has changed in attitude. Many still think that anyone fit in body is simply lazy or maybe an addict of some kind and deserves to suffer. The current UK Conservative government have made it much harder to claim disability and the numbers of homeless are rising rapidly. I read in a newspaper several years ago from one Conservative MP who said the unemployed needed to be starved to encourage them to work. Another person said that if Stephen Hawking( almost completely paralysed and in a wheelchair) can work then anyone could!  Hmm I dont think he could work in a warehouse or picking fruit though.

This is very relevant to mental health. The Tories thought that there were far to many mad people claiming benefits in the UK and therefore decided to cut disability payments, make it much harder for new claimants and try to push lots of extremely mentally ill people back into work even though many have actually committed suicide as a result.  Of course they did nothing to encourage companies to hire them.  There is a supposed cure for anxiety and depression and that is CBT which is pushed all the time. Apparently it has a high success rate but does not look as good under closer scrutiny. Somebody I know wrote this the other day which I totally agree with . “The worst of it is how the media and government jump on the whole CBT thing to get people off of benefits. You don’t deserve to have benefits when there is a cure and if you are ill in that way it becomes your own fault because you haven’t tried hard enough. “

In reality 1/4 of people cant handle CBT as its too hard so drop out. After all you are supposed to just make a hierarchy list of all your worst and most avoided fears and then just do them which can go disastrously wrong if not done slowly and correctly. Often the treatment is shortened from about 12 -20 sessions to just 6 to save money and sometimes NHS therapist are simply not very good. “I have seen GP surgeries offer CBT, when I talked to the Clinic Nurse/ “CBT Therapist”, she had only been on a one-week course, so could describe herself as “CBT Trained”  A one week course is hardly the same as a trained therapist. I have probably learned more from online books. Perhaps I should set up a therapy business and it also stops me being unemployed! Hooray!

Patients with sometimes acute mental illness are forced into something they cant handle and blamed for not trying hard enough when it fails. Then the government can claim they deserve to have their benefits taken away. What wankers!

And then does CBT even have great success in the long term?

“In the short-term, 40 per cent of those who complete a course of CBT, typically five to 20 sessions of up to an hour, are said to have recovered.

But ‘extensive evidence’ shows that two years on, depressed or anxious people who had CBT were no more likely to have recovered than those who had no treatment, said Mr James.”

So it might be all for nothing anyway.



The Cure for Social Anxiety?

I have downloaded absolutely loads of stuff on shyness and social anxiety the last month and some of it consisted of entire manuals of 700+ pages.  The thing is and its quite hard for me to say so but, but THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CURE WHATSOEVER!

All of the manuals and self help sites say only one thing. Go out and do stuff and hope you get better and then do more stuff until cured. Strange really as rather than scientific knowledge this is basically what i was told to cure shyness when i was a small child. Oh they may have breathing and relaxation techniques and also make you challenge your over the top irrational “Woe is me! Everybody hates me!” type of thinking but there is absolutely nothing else whatsoever on any website I have ever come across that helps in the slightest.

The problem is that depression fucks all that up.  No motivation whatsoever, already suicidal thinking so being told to go and smile at strangers on the street and make banter with shop assistants about the weather or Donald Trumps snazzy hair are about as useful as being told to Just do it! or my favourite as a youth “Just Go Talk to her!”

In reality acting nervous got ridicule or contempt which increased my anxiety which increased avoidance. If in doubt I go straight onto YouTube where hot girls say how much they hate shy men as they act creepy and make them feel awkward. Women love confidence , its officially one of the biggest turns ons. The advice also ignores your age. Contrary to belief not everyone with social anxiety is 23. A man my age smiling at women considerably younger than me on the street will be thought of as a creepy weirdo after sex so why not say that when advising smiling at 6 strangers per day as exposure therapy as if its normal. Virtually no strangers smile at people on the street unless well they do fancy each other.

Social etiquette still matters or do you assume that very shy people will understand who to and who not to smile at? Just like advising you to ask attractive females out as what have you got to lose?  Well there are lots of attractive twenty and thirty something years olds but as someone in my forties(Shock! Horror!)I would have about as much chance as bagging one as I would attracting Cameron Diaz(although at 44 she’s way closer to my age range!) Oh you mean only ask people your own age but once again just assumes you know that.(even though at my age everyone is much uglier including me!) Do I tell them how long I have been unemployed as well, that will impress them. Fact, long term unemployed men are avoided as much as ex cons so something else to destroy confidence.

I prepare myself on a daily basis for the inevitable end now. I almost long for it after all these years of pain and loneliness. Today was absolutely awful and I struggled not to self harm. The reason I feel worse is because I looked for help and found there wasn’t any.  People just like to pretend there is to make themselves feel better. They like to pretend that the majority of them are nice and kind too.

Random Cheeses of the Midlands

Why on earth would you go to therapy and willingly make a hierarchy list of things you fear when you know the therapist is going to ask you to go through them one by one as part of exposure therapy? Its like admitting you fear being buried alive and then knowing someone is then going to do it to you in the vain hope you get used to it.But of course being buried alive is not a condition of a normal life whereas speaking to other humans is. Every time I look at CBT exposure therapy online and my God there is tons of stuff to download it takes away any last glimmer of hope and makes the claim that there is a cure for chronic shyness a complete lie.

Then there are just so many examples of therapy where they assume you must have a friend or friends to do stuff with or that you are just overreacting when all evidence points to the contrary. A ludicrous example of this is writing down each day things you are proud of or things you have done or achieved to motivate you. I would be lucky thinking of three things per year, no, make that decade. Brainwashing techniques by secret government organisations would probably be more useful.

In other news I got my first irritating reply from someone making a sarcastic comment to one of my posts so I marked it as spam. F**k him. this is no recovery or self help blog as I frequently mention. Its the reality of being a real life 40+ virgin and long term unemployed loner in  a world that treats you with contempt and as a loser. Actually considering how much bullshit I have posted here its quite astounding I have not gotten any more offensive replies.Being mentally insane is now my excuse for everything. Just be yourself even if its a C**T!

Its a Wonderful Life?

Look at me here, here on my own again, up straight in the sunshine
No need to run and hide, it’s a wonderful, wonderful life

I am trying to go out more in the day, at least when its sunny. It helps in the short term at least to stop suicidal thoughts although has no effect whatsoever on my long term anxiety or behaviour as I’ve been doing it for over 10 years now. In fact some walks actually make me feel much worse if there are a lot of people around and I almost feel trapped. I very rarely feel peace of mind or relaxed when walking.Sometimes my paranoia still gets the better of me and I think people are ridiculing me. I also have to stop the habit of  talking to myself. Yes, I am still quite mad. I thought walking was supposed to help depression but its like eating when you are hungry but eventually you always feel hungry again.



I will do what I can do

Hold on, you have gambled with your life
And you face the night alone
While the builders of the cages
Sleep with bullets, bars and stone
They do not see the road to freedom
That you build with flesh and bone

Though you may disappear, you’re not forgotten here
And I will say to you, I will do what I can do
You may disappear, you’re not forgotten here
And I will say you you, I will do what I can do
And I will do what I can do
I will do what I can do


Last week I was feeling better for a change after my walk and thinking of finally going to the doctors as I had been far more depressed and feeling hopeless for months before that. However its important I dont get too excited or hopeful even if I do manage to go. Despite the idea that some people think this is the first step to complete recovery the many, many comments on the UK anxiety forums say otherwise.

NHS mental health therapists from my only personal experience twice are so useless I wish they would just not exist as they are practically non-functioning anyway.

Never offered anything like CBT and there was not group therapy available anywhere

My GP suggested it(private councelling) to me because the NHS waiting times were horrendous, I’ve now resigned myself to the fact that the NHS is hopeless where mental health in concerned.

In my experience counselling doesn’t exist on the nhs any more its too costly, so they divert you away or offer a small amount of cbt which I have no faith in and is no substitute.

There are of course many more comments like this.These are people who have been to the doctor for help and it hasn’t helped them at all.It may not be the same for everyone but its highly likely that in my very crowded and under funded area that the help will be poor and even if I do get any therapy it will in no way brainwash me enough to give me the confidence to find work which is the only thing that can stop me becoming homeless.  And of course I am probably far more ingrained in negative avoidant thinking as I am far older than most of them. Perhaps I am too old to even qualify for therapy. I also think having work is of vital importance in the first place to help conquering mental illness. As long as you are in a job you can at least survive as you can pay the bills. If you are long term unemployed and not even entitled to any benefits like me then the chances of recovery are smaller because the chances of getting a job are much harder especially at my age. I think I have to start to make suicide plans now as I appear to have been correct all along and despite other people trying to help me by pretending to be optimistic which is really the same as lying there really appears to be very little chance of a way out or recovery.

Its still bizarre to me that there are still so many people claiming that there is loads of help out there. I wonder if they have been brainwashed by their therapy to become optimistic because its make them more positive and feel better. Its obviously a complete lie. Its hard not to be angry for offering such false hope. In fact looking online far more seriously for help or a way out over the last few months has almost resigned me to the fact that the chance of actually getting anyone or anything to change me is so low its almost a complete joke. Rather than me giving up on myself its more accurate that society as a whole gives up on you first. I talk about evolution and survival of the fittest as it still applies to humans and this is an obvious example.

Why do social anxiety and depression often go together? (Part 1)

  1. Too little people contact. Everyone needs a certain amount of social interaction to feel happy and content (even introverts). If you don’t get enough people contact, it’s natural to feel sad, lonely, and even depressed. Even if you’re anxious around certain people, hopefully there are at least a few people with whom you feel comfortable. Make sure you rely on them for support.

And if there aren’t? What then? the double whammy of social anxiety and depression often means no of course. I only have one friend who has anxiety themself and who lives in another city. One email now and then does not help that much to be honest. As mentioned a million times before trying to connect with other people online has proved quite disastrous and only increases feeling of being not good enough and hated as almost all people are mind numbingly judgemental and ignore me. This idea its all paranoia or all in our head is complete crap. Its happens. Depressed and anxious people are terrible at making banter even online so people dont want to know them especially when they find out they are long term unemployed. Humour is so important in making friends and getting a relationship and with depression its almost impossible to tell jokes when you are desperate inside. Age is another factor and despite many people over 40 still have anxiety the internet seems to be youth obsessed with anxiety forums having special sections for the over 30’s as if you are ancient.




Depression Traps, Truth and Reality

Trap #1: Social Withdrawal,Social withdrawal is the most common telltale sign of depression.

The Fix: Gradually counteract social withdrawal by reaching out to your friends and family. Make a list of the people in your life you want to reconnect with and start by scheduling an activity.

Reality: Oopps. I have Social anxiety. This means I only have one online friend who I only see about 4 times a year. Trying to interact online with other people results in total disaster through self help forums and even the comments I have encountered here which only reaffirms that people dislike me and they make me feel even guilty and ashamed for posting how I really feel. Conclusion. People demand you interact but they also demand you say the right words in the right sentences about the right subjects and of course that you are positive even though I talk about suicide and depression. They also want you to agree with them.


Trap #2: Rumination A major component of depression is rumination, which involves dwelling and brooding about themes like loss and failure that cause you to feel worse about yourself.

The Fix: Redirect your attention to a more absorbing activity, like a social engagement or reading a book.

Reality: True I do this all the time and end up feeling suicidal. Cant do any social activity. Reading a book is only a moderate help and only sometimes.



Trap #3: Self-Medicating With Alcohol Turning to alcohol or drugs to escape your woes is a pattern that can accompany depression, and it usually causes your depression to get worse.

The Fix: Talk to your doctor or therapist if you notice that your drinking habits are making you feel worse. Alcohol can interfere with antidepressants and anxiety medications.

Reality: Yes, very true. I drink almost every day. Feel far more anxious if I don’t. I don’t feel any better in the morning with less as my insomnia can be quite bad without it.



Trap #4: Skipping Exercise  If you’re the type of person who likes to go the gym regularly, dropping a series of workouts could signal that something’s amiss in your life. The same goes for passing on activities — such as swimming, yoga, or ballroom dancing — that you once enjoyed.

The Fix: Ilardi recommends finding someone you can trust to help you initiate exercise — a personal trainer, coach, or even a loved one.

Reality: I do some walking. No way I would feel comfortable in a gym alone couldn’t afford it and don’t know other people to do anything with. Walking sometimes helps but I live in a shit city with shit walks. Result, walking depresses me even more and have to avoid being mugged, attacked by local lowlife.



Trap #5: Seeking Sugar Highs  When you’re feeling down, you may find yourself craving sweets or junk food high in carbs and sugar.

The Fix: Avoid sugar highs and the inevitable post-sugar crash. It’s always wise to eat healthfully, but now more than ever, your mood can’t afford to take the hit.

Reality: I do this as well but when eating healthier have noticed no difference in my moods as my depression is not chemical but due to circumstances of long term unemployment and chronic anxiety.



Trap #6: Negative Thinking  When you’re depressed, you’re prone to negative thinking and talking yourself out of trying new things.

The Fix: Don’t get too attached to grim expectations. “You have more control over doing and not doing, than you have over what the result of actions will be,” Goulston says. “But there is a much greater chance that if you do, then those results will be positive.”

Reality: Oh dear. He’s obviously not taking age and other factors into account. I am already in my late 40’s and everything is an unmitigated disaster. Live alone, never dated, long term unemployed. No real life friends, chronic leg pain which all doctors dismissed as lies, don’t speak to people for weeks, ineligible for any benefits when money runs out. I think the person who said its never too late was a lying bastard.


Final Conclusion: Am I doing this wrong or is this just depressive and negative thinking. I get the feeling that some people offer advice and are amazed that i dont think it wonderful and openly embrace it or that I am so negative despite being a late forty something year old long term unemployed virgin with no friends and chronic leg pain. This is the genuine truth how I see it when I look at my problems and other peoples solutions as they are never relevant to me and totally ignore what total judgemental and cruel attitudes the majority of people in the real world have. if you think this is an overreaction then how many employers would hire me at my age after many years of unemployment and with mental health problems even if I could get through the interview?