Suicidal Feelings and Depression

Look at all the plans I made
Falling down like scraps of paper
I will leave them where they lie to remind me
From the past a rumour comes
Don’t let it keep draggin’ you down
Throw the memory in an open fire
You’ll be free
Tombstone- Crowded House


Its quite strange to me that all the so called help I read about for depression and anxiety only confirms to me that I was correct all along and that there really is no help, cure or treatment for many people with both conditions and that I will almost certainly have to commit suicide at some point in the future. It’s quite scary to say the least but there is nothing else I can think of to do to stop much greater discomfort and pain.  Treating people who are desperate simply as cowards is not a help or a cure. People actually get angry at you for being negative when you feel hopeless, the f**king idiots! So you are more likely to stay avoidant and not even post on forums. We dont want any negative people here! Its insane! (just like me then!)

If therapists get angry or frustrated at their patients ( I was reading about this from several people today who had gone to therapy)for not doing the hard work or giving up then the therapy doesn’t work. its like a doctor who is not capable of fixing a broken leg getting angry at the leg for not healing to hide the fact that he’s a shit doctor or his treatment doesn’t work.

Social anxiety treatment(its not really help, more like punishment as if you deserve to suffer) requires a huge motivation and willingness to speak to strangers every day even though it will often go badly. Depression makes this virtually impossible as you are miserable and unmotivated. Treatment for depression requires you go out and socialise with people and assumes you have great friends or family already and that you definitely are not shy. Together they seem incurable especially if past a certain age. The therapists and self help guides actually simply cant believe that  highly negative people with a lifetime of years of failure are still negative because they see a therapist for 5 minutes. Its like they are the stupid ones.  They try to bully and ridicule people to motivate them, which only makes them more suicidal just as reading about so called help has for me. Then they just blame you and say shit like some people dont want to change. They do, they are just not prepared to do anything especially when much of CBT for social anxiety is based on complete lies.



A Sigh

A sigh
From the deepest well
You can tell a lot
By not saying a thing
This truth
Between us, my friend
This longing

A sigh
For loneliness to end
No changing
The story now

But I think your mind is made up

A Sigh-Crowded House


I think if I was going for therapy and it costs £50 a session(cheapest i could find locally) then I would want to know it had a very good chance of working.  Remember I have no regular income, live off a lump sum and £50 is 3 weeks food money alone. Yet all the books and self help sites on therapy for anxiety are full of lies and obvious flaws.  You cant do exposure therapy if too depressed miserable and resistant and its much harder to cure depression if caused by social anxiety as the underlying problems are still there. Then I read that the majority of people who had CBT went back to how they were after two years so it may not work in the long run anyway.

They advise awkward exposure exercises like smiling at strangers on the street and saying hello to people without defining boundaries or rules and assuming you dont act very awkward or shy- to cure shyness!  Also like parts of London other UK cities are turning into violent shitholes. Someone had acid thrown in their face near here last week and there was  a violent assault with baseball bats on someone else.  Shall I smile at a group of young male gang members carrying knives? Shall I smile at young women even though I am old enough to be their dad? Oh not creepy at all!  And I wont even mention me speaking awkwardly to women at bus stops or in shops yet again as we know how bad that is going to go.

Then there are people amazed that someone my age hasn’t been for help when its f**ked up everything. Then all they say are what are your worst fears, make a list and then do them!(on your own!) . They seem staggered that someone who has been avoidant all their life is still avoidant and is not eager to face all their worse fears when they could do that on their own anyway and not pay £50 a week!  I might as well put £50 a week down the toilet!  The things that are supposed to motivate you simply dont when you are much older as normal things are now impossible. When you have been thinking of killing yourself ever since you were at school then you would rather die that repeatedly humiliate yourself even further in the vague hope of a better life which you dont believe is possible and no self help books or sites has given me the vaguest hope or made me think I am wrong.

I read only this morning that older men who lose their jobs are much less likely to get employed again and struggle to even get interviews. Ageism anyone? Pity Jeremy Corbyn and his SJW brigade of student activists are not concerned about that kind of discrimination especially as Jeremy is an old man himself.  Yet I have been unemployed for years, can’t stand up for 8 hours a day and cant get any references so its impossible  get enthusiastic and motivated anymore so therapy would be meaningless anyway.


Does Depression Make Any Advice for Anxiety Utterly Futile?


………………And if so why does all advice for social anxiety ignore depression completely despite it being common with anxiety and demand you just go round speaking to strangers and think it will go spiffingly? But they still get angry with you for being negative or miserable! Even though I’m often suicidally depressed! And I include people who have offered advice to me like JUST DO ANYTHING! on this blog even though I clearly mention depression!


This is from another WordPress blog on social anxiety from last year and I gave permission for my name to be used as I used to know the blogger vaguely from another anxiety forum long, long ago.

“So far, two of the people who followed it have their own blogs and their own experiences of social anxiety. Two very different experiences.

Anxiety and I is positive. This person recognises the hard work ahead, but is proud of accomplishments up to now.

klodo is negative. It would be easy to say his circumstances are his own fault. That if he were more positive and worked hard, like Anxiety and I, he would be in a better state now. But that would be wrong.”

You f**king bet I’m negative. First of all Anxiety and I has only ever made one post in their entire blog history so a bit premature to assume they are positive and proud. Perhaps they have recovered entirely, had only minor shyness or has given up entirely.  They also appear to be female an much younger than me so not much of a comparison. Either way they have vanished without trace after only one post.

Although the article was mostly supporting me the way she put it still rankles me to the point of blind fury as you see this attitude on almost all anxiety forums by the people who have recovered and have then become sanctimonious holier than thou, know it all tossers. The idea that its all your own fault and that you must be eager to do the hard work (intense repeated humiliation)because they did .

“Why? Because they ignore the depression that’s often caused by social anxiety. They ignore the ensuing lack of motivation. They also ignore the passing of time that changes the person you are. ”

They also ignore all other problems, like a very weak voice which meant I could not be heard anywhere with music in the background like all pubs, bars or parties so most social situations then so I stopped going to them. Being very FAT at school and ridiculed  for having TITS. The crooked teeth and hair lip I had so I could not smile and became very self conscious at age 7. Blushing uncontrollably at times and having to hide in the toilets at work. They also ignore unique problems like being almost asexual until I was 27 which certainly put me off chasing girls and they also ignore the huge differences in gender which meant as a young straight man, well any age really the only way to get a relationship for men is to approach females risking being treated with contempt (when I already felt rightly or wrongly like I was hated)to do the talking as most females never speak first but still  slagged me off for being quiet and weird. Then I am expected to ask a girl out when I have never been anywhere as I had no friends and pick her up even though I couldn’t drive! Yeah, sounds like equality!

They also ignore that now I am this age there is absolutely no hope of having an intimate relationship so age really matters and that the rest of my life is now meaningless. They ignore that long term unemployed people especially men are treated like lazy scum and made to feel guilty thus shaming them even more. Thats why its hard to even go to a meetup on photography or walking as I am defensive about all my problems from the start and have absolutely f**k all to speak about. Oh and now I also have a bad temper (can you tell?), more like rage and intense paranoia which makes me terrible company. In fact if you are this mental almost every single aspect of human culture and society forces you to stay avoidant as you have to be normal and likeable FIRST to be accepted into any group situation.

Anyway I could go on like this for hours( What? A depressed person being negative? How bloody dare I!) but this quote about depression from another blog is spot on.

 A positive attitude cannot save us. Acknowledging that the future might get better does nothing to change the fact that the here and now is absolute shit. In fact, trying to maintain that positive attitude when you’re feeling hopeless can often worsen it, because you’re using up the rest of what little effort you have fighting a lost cause.

In reality its this simple. If you are very shy  and also miserable you repel people and they dislike you so you stay avoidant and dont recover and you feel hated. Its not just avoidance that perpetuates social anxiety. Its being treated like a c**t when you do try.





Do you really improve social anxiety by repetition alone?

Yes, another title with a question!  I was thinking that since all social anxiety advice in books demands you simply approach complete strangers repeatedly and make small talk without any advice whatsoever on what to say, what subjects to speak about apart from the weather,how to appear natural, how to use social skills how to appear friendly without being creepy (if you are a man speaking to women!) then does just doing it over and over again really make you better and why? And remember this is the easy first thing you are supposed to do!

I got better at work from copying the world chattiest guy in our office and watching how he put people(especially girls) at ease with his witty banter. The thing is he didn’t blush, stammer, sweat or act awkward though so did not get rejected. he made jokes constantly, he was cheeky constantly and he was friendly and relaxed at all times and laughed. The opposite of me then.

Yet if I approached women at bus stops or anywhere in the city and came across as awkward and nervous and boring and depressing they would more likely see me as a nuisance treat me with contempt and this would ruin my confidence and make me more avoidant and depressed.  Thus making a mockery of rejection therapy which sounds insane to me. They might as well call it suicide therapy.

And since all small talk with strangers demands positivity and WITTY banter from the off how do I not be depressed when i regularly feel suicidal as I see no possible future? This is just as important at a structured event like a photography meet up. Why on earth do people who advice this for social anxiety think it will get better and make me better unless you just assume I am full of witty banter and that all shy people are completely normal underneath?  I am not. After all these years I have burning anger and rage, massive paranoia and a deep fear of sexual intimacy.  I hate lots of people including lots on anxiety forums.

Does this mean all advice is biased from only that persons point of view ? They assume all their problems were the same or worse and now as they recovered think they are the worlds greatest expert. Is it all delusional and assumes almost everyone with SA is under 25 and compassionate, lovely. Is there in reality basically no cure for many people but we cant handle the truth so have to create a delusional fantasy world just to make ourselves feel better.  If you just follow a set of rules you are bound to recover and if you dont its because you simply did not do the hard work required?

If you are a woman would you really like a shy awkward guy speaking to you at a bus stop or anywhere else about the weather or quantum physics for that matter? Do you assume he  wants to F**k you or is he genuinely trying to just be friendly.  If you are attractive do you really get guys coming on to you all the time so you have to learn how to deal with it.  Do they annoy you? Remember as a man I have never had any women or girl come on to me anywhere ever so really have no clue what its like. Do you think him potentially dangerous if he acts awkward or nervous? Does it matter of he’s over 40 as the advice in all SA books does not take age into account at all and yet I would feel like a dirty old perv speaking to younger women.

Why is the advice not different for women considering that most women never make first contact with a man in public and a lone man could be dangerous and many men who had a friendly woman speak to them probably would think she was coming on to them. Should women with social anxiety only speak to other women or old aged pensioners then?

Why do therapists and some people who have offered advice to me on here in the past think it will go almost certainly go well and increase my confidence and that a 40+ male virgin who speaks to no one for months and think of suicide daily will make witty banter on some unknown subject matter to a total stranger at random? When I tried things like this at work it often, no usually went badly and I become much more avoidant.

If I went out tomorrow, apart from the weather that would sound lame to say the least I have got absolutely no subjects to speak about apart from to moan and whine as I once did at my dentist who said how depressed I sounded.! Then I did not go back for 10 years!  Don’t be yourself then. More shit advice! I have not worked in 13 years and never had a relationship so have no family. Stop pretending its just a matter of forcing myself to approach strangers and opening my mouth to cure anxiety.  Once again I conclude that therapists are f**king morons.

If you are this mad it would need a complete over haul of your personality first which would take tears and requite optimism and hope. For many people this is completely impossible. There simply is no help.


Comfort Zone Challenges for Social Anxiety?

Feeling so very down again(and its not just England losing the football!) so I stopped taking any more photos. Depression and misery hits me like wave after wave some days and death seems a great idea again. I look online a lot as I speak to nobody for weeks at a time and a lot of stuff is of course about social anxiety.  But if the so called help makes me want to commit suicide and there must be lots of people with even worse SA than me, so surely it must make lots of other people with SA feel worse, self harm or want to kill themselves too.  Perhaps lots do and nobody ever finds out.

The latest thing I saw is something called comfort zone challenges where people obviously push themselves into difficult social situations in order to get better. It looks a lot like Social Mishap therapy which I posted about once before. This is one video I came across where a woman put a sign around her neck saying “Clap Once if You’re SHY LIKE ME!” and walked around Walmart in full view of people.  She says she did it to “own and embrace” her shyness.

If it helps great but she advises people with anxiety AND depression to do things like this to help them. Do you already have to be in a positive mindset to even try such things though. In my experience being depressed and then publicly ridiculed only makes me want to die, not become positive. After all many experts advise graded exposure therapy just so you wont do something overwhelming and give up and only move onto harder things once you have become habituated to that one thing first. So the total opposite then.

After all this seems VERY EXTREME. If someone even looks at me funny I want to attack them sometimes and I still struggle to make eye contact so would it really work for people as mad as me or would I go home and get blind drunk, weep uncontrollably and punch myself in the head until I was almost unconscious as I have done before  when feeling ashamed and humiliated after something went badly.

You see I would rather die than do this and I mean that quite literally as I am thinking of suicide far more often now anyway as I still see no way out. Public humiliation is not a way out for many, it just makes them worse. If someone tried to force me to do this kind of thing even if they thought it was for my own good I would pick up a knife and stab them.  This is why exposure therapy quite obviously does not work for everyone with Social anxiety as it assumes a willingness to do absolutely anything and make a complete twat of yourself repeatedly over and over again when it will probably make many people worse.

Other examples are singing badly on the street or a man wearing make-up smudged all over his face badly and going out in public.  Yes you may be brave to do this to cure your social anxiety but dont assume that then other people are then cowards. After all you are making yourself look like a complete and utter twat in public to deliberately humiliate yourself and no sane person would ever do this. People will ridicule or mock you.  In fact its possible you will get physically attacked so may not be even safe.

Trying to insinuate that shy people are cowards or that they somehow deserve to suffer for not doing the HARD WORK REQUIRED just makes some of us especially with depression feel guilty and then ashamed and then suicidal so is of NO HELP WHATSOEVER. If some therapists are not aware of this when they need retraining or sacking.  By the way I am not saying the women in the video thinks this. She actually seems very nice and likeable from several videos I watched but its obvious that many people online especially on some anxiety forums do think this tough love approach to shyness is the only way and all people must be forced into it by guilt. They are C**ts. Lots of people who recover from SA are. I bet they would not want anyone to recover by simply taking a pill as its more to do with the thought that they had to suffer to get better so everyone should.

Not Being Liked.

This question was asked on the UK social anxiety forum recently.

“How do you guys accept you’re not liked by many people?”

Its a hard thing to grasp isn’t it as its often true.  I was not liked by many at work or even now online. The weird loner makes other people feel uncomfortable so they dislike him and ignore him  so he stays a weird loner. Shit, sounds very much like evolution at work again and the weak being eliminated for being faulty. But remember its all out own fault for not doing the HARD WORK REQUIRED!

The anxiety advice websites continuously say “Learn to love yourself!” and  “Just be yourself!” when in reality thats the reason we are not liked in the first place. Its not just our shyness as if we force ourselves to talk and we suddenly burst forth with WITTY BANTER and everyone immediate loves us.  In reality to be liked by the majority we have to learn to behave like the majority. Social Skills and all that shit! We must like what they like, hate what they hate and think what they think or at least pretend to in order to be accepted.

An obvious example both in the UK and USA are Brexit and Trump. Roughly half of each country voted for the opposition and yet saying you voted for either is akin to saying you are a closet Nazi in real life or online on any forum so people stay quiet  So people who claim to be tolerant are only tolerant to people who vote for whoever they voted for and deride all others even if its half the population as morally inferior. Some may be but the majority aren’t.  I voted Brexit for instance and have been consistently centre left on most issues all my life.  I am not the slightest bit ashamed so being derided as evil or racist by left wing students on a anxiety forum for shy people just makes me hate them all the more and I classify them as intolerant and ignorant. i would still vote the same way tomorrow. If you want to change opinion try reasoned debate not threats and accusations which is why I suppose so many universities dont allow people to speak with another opinion any more as they might have intelligent conversation which would require independent thought instead of virtue signalling to your peers in order to be accepted into the group dynamic.

Yet a regular piece of advice for those with social anxiety in self help books  is to state an unpopular opinion! Which will probably get you disliked and ostracised! Especially if you are still at university or under the age of 30.

By contrast, today’s picture is of some sparrows in the garden. I have fed the birds here for many years now. It gives me a sense of enormous well-being!




Sunday,Bloody Sunday


I have always hated Sundays since I was a small kid. Our family never did anything or went anywhere and as a loner kid it meant that I was always bored and in fact started to form the mindset of depression and anxiety way back then. A boring house, a depressing house equals anxiety and no relaxation or contentment. Restlessness that remained for life.

Today’s picture is of the local cathedral. I am trying to take a picture every day for a week to force myself to focus on something(quite literary!) even if I dont go out that far yet as my avoidance has gotten so bad in recent times  Its still quite hot for the UK. 30C inside and about 45C in the sun so I dont wont to go far specially as I cant drive. This is a building I am very familiar with but this time I tried to take a picture of something different like a view of the grotesques around the roof.  Gargoyles are what the rainwater comes out of , Grotesques are all other sculptures on churches and cathedrals.

Even then I noticed the way some people were looking at me weirdly as I took pictures almost as if I was doing something unusual or wrong. This is very common.By contrast people taking photos on their mobile phone never get a second glance. You see I still get paranoid when people look at me. As if they are judging, mocking if only to themselves.I have taken over 150000 pictures over the last 10 odd years and still get paranoid so just doing something repeatedly and not getting attacked or abused does not habituate me alone. Just like the hundreds of walks I have been on which I still dont like or enjoy and bore the shit out of me.  So exposure therapy alone doesn’t work unless you also change your attitude and believe in CBT brainwashing first and that most people are really quite lovely……. and I dont.  They aren’t . Evolution and the history of mankind proves this unconditionally. As does the internet.