I went out for my usual walk yesterday afternoon. Sunny days are rare in the UK at this time of year and anything to get away from the neighbours from hell. Unfortunately I forgot it was the school holidays so lots and lots of people were out and about on the park and its the only place in my entire county worth visiting. I was already in a state of irritability as my insomnia is still a major problem. I tried taking Valerian tablets but knew they would not work as most herbal remedies are in truth complete crap and have no effect whatsoever. Its like trying to stop a raging bear by setting a Jack Russell dog on it although I think the dog would at least have some effect if only to trip the bear up.
As I sat on top of a small hill I saw this lone female walker standing around nearby which is quite unusual as I barely ever see lone females out walking. She went off one way and I went in another direction and yet later she was just coming round the side of a wall as I came around the other side. I went ahead but could hear her behind me so went off to look for deer over another wall. She then went to the exact spot I was going to take pictures from on the hillside. So instead of waiting or hanging around looking awkward(forget talking) I went down a long path I didn’t really want to go down at all which meant I then had to double back around in a completely opposite direction again which took another 30 minutes. There! Thats social anxiety! Thats the sort of thing us mad people do to avoid others! Its like at work always taking the stairs so I would not be stuck in the lift with people, especially girls and have an anxiety attack.
If the law of attraction is real I sometimes wonder if it deliberately takes the piss out of us. Does it just do things to annoy us and see how we react? He’s shit at talking to strangers and especially women. I’ll just keep making them appear from nowhere and hang around to see how awkward he gets! Then as I went home on a bus the same 3 people were waiting at the bus stop on the way back as got off on the way there, one lone female(another one!) and two young French people probably students. The CBT books demand this is the perfect opportunity for witty banter. Bollocks. I had not the slightest interest. I could not care less. I just wanted peace and quiet and to get home.
You see all CBT demands continuous exposure to fears and then assumes you will get better. In reality I have only done well when my mind is already calm and positive and relaxed and then I feel more like talking to strangers. I feel happy and calm. Yesterday I felt like the raging bear or maybe bull as I am a Taurus. Looking at self help sites and books has just activated all my hidden and old fears and made me feel like I was 17 again blushing and stammering at work when in reality I had gotten much better in the later years in my job and spoke to numerous people every day.
I feel like exposure therapy alone is like running that race with a broken leg and not waiting for the leg to heal first so you never get anywhere. Reading the Power of Now again and also remembering some aspects of spirituality and mindfulness its apparent to me that this is far more helpful to me as it changes my thinking and mindset first which then makes other things possible. It creates peace and feeling of acceptance of all things whereas just going out when highly agitated and sometimes desperate and forcing yourself into social situations just ends up with continuous misery. My biggest problem to finding this peace is depression and the constant state of agitation and resulting insomnia due to loud noises. For instance mediation is a complete impossibility. Even now as I type I have headphones on playing music on max volume to block out other noise.