Bad day anxiety wise. I started to get very agitated and then depressed about 3PM. (and England aren’t even playing in the world cup until tomorrow afternoon!) Its important to point out that even posting anything online when feeling like this becomes hard to impossible and I doubt my very existence. Hopefully I also exist in a parallel universe with Steph from Neighbours and a life of luxury and cheese to make up for this crap one. I forced myself to go in the garden just to take a picture or two. To me this is my exposure therapy especially as the noisy neighbours were out. Speaking to staff at Tesco or women at bus stops is still 485 light years away. I think I would need 500 therapy sessions to get to normal, no, average. Pity the NHS only offer you 6-12 and I cant afford private.
A bee in flight over my garden pond. Its a wildlife oasis in the middle of a suburban desert of despair, desolation and despondency! Oh no, that just the state of my mind again.
A frog-let. They(frogs) lay many eggs as only a few get to this stage and even fewer live long enough to come back next year and breed. Its survival of the fittest due to evolution. Its the reason why normal people hate and avoid shy people and why England wont win the world cup.
I was thinking about the recent campaign in the UK directed especially at men to make them talk about their problems and open up as there are lots more male suicides. Yet immediately when you look on anxiety forums the people who are miserable are derided and put down, almost told off for being too miserable. Members complain of anyone with negativity and a lack of motivation as if they are just wallowing in self pity. So people stay quiet and are reluctant to post and reluctant to say how they really feel. This is even on a support forum for mental health, in real life its often much harder as many people dont have anyone to talk to at all who is understanding. Yet all positive posts and blogs are praised as if its simply a choice. Surely this only encourages people with depression to stay quiet and then they are more likely to get even more depressed and commit suicide. Yet more hypocrisy in the wonderful world of mental health. Tell us how you feel but stop being such a miserable bastard!
Some mental health patients have taken their lives because of long delays in getting treatment in Leicester, campaigners have claimed.Patients in the city have to wait an average of 135 days for first treatment after being referred.
Leicester’s waiting times are the highest in the country.
Ms Sinykena said she is still waiting for psychotherapy two years after a referral.”Had I not had family with me, and friends, I probably would have killed myself,” she said
Oh so my city has the longest waiting times in the entire country! What a coincidence! And of course they also have cut may CBT therapies from 12 to only 6 weeks. In fact almost everyone online who says how great therapy is seems o have chosen their own therapist, often having to see several before finding one they like and they have been going for months rather than 6 weeks. Private therapy is so expensive that most normal people especially those most in need cant afford it so just saying its a cure is meaningless.
Someone who is borderline suicidal is hardly going to become their own therapist and completely rational in 6 weeks. However as said only 68 times before being told to go chat to strangers in the street and that its all my own fault for not doing the hard work (which is much more applicable in people over 40 as it implies you have just been a cowardly lazy bum your whole life) is just as likely to lead to self harm or suicide. Hmm is that why nearly everyone who has SA and a highly positive blog is still under 30? After all there are still lots of people who go on the anxiety forums who are over 40. They don’t stay long though as they don’t fit it.
Its also thinking about dying all the time as you see no way out or hope for the future and yet still clinging to a distant dream that a happy life is still possible because people keep telling you it is and that you can be cured while seeing no help whatsoever anywhere and thinking that most people are indeed judgmental bastards who will ridicule, ignore or put you down, even on anxiety forums which are supposed to be friendly and supportive.
Almost all help for social anxiety assumes you are full of energy and motivation and willing to do absolutely anything including putting yourself out there through humiliating exposures on a daily basis. Almost all help for depression assumes you just have a chemical imbalance and your life long problems are not that bad at all really and its mostly an overreaction in your head. Together they seem incurable.
Both advocate going out to meet people as a cure and assume you easily smile and make pleasant conversation and look and act fine and that other people, the “normals” will accept you and like you when that has never happened before and you are as miserable as F**K so they will avoid you and never want to see you again. Then they get angry with you for being negative and not being prepared to do the HARD WORK required whilst ignoring most normal people including all those assholes at work didn’t have to do this hard work at all…….. and yet all of them seem to have got married, have children and got decent jobs and are all over Facebook gloating!
A silly walk by John Cleese
I felt terrible and restless on Saturday after waking early and so took a sleeping tablet and felt pretty miserable and exhausted for the rest of the day. Its strange how chemical imbalances can effect your mood uncontrollably and makes me wonder how much self control or even choice people really have if they are feeling a bit doolally. The next day due to exhaustion I slept great, the best in weeks in fact and and felt wonderful all day. Even watching TV felt different as I was able to concentrate and I was not restless and irritable.(Restless and Irritable, another new name for this blog?) I went out and took some pictures in the autumn sunshine and actually felt good and even slightly happy when I got home. Did it carry on? of course not. This is me after all. Today i woke early at about 6 AM again after only a few hours sleep and felt absolutely awful all day again. Even the noisy neighbours were quiet and yet I still could not sleep, I can only post this now as I am drunk yet again and earlier I had to delete it all in a fit of melancholy and rage.
Anyway, I was looking at a comment on an old post about maladaptive thinking and that someone said that I must realise that what I had just written was mostly untrue. Really? If some social exposures by therapists are supposed to prove to us that when we go out dressed strangely or even act strangely because the vast majority of normal people dont notice us or care at all then why is it that there are so many people both kids and adults on TV and online who have been viciously and repeatedly bullied by others due to looking or acting different? Surely this proves that lots of people not only notice but attack or belittle us on a regular basis. Of course not only did I get punched in the face for walking strangely due to my bad hip but on several other occasions I saw people mocking me not just smirking which could have been for any reason but actually mimicking my walk like it was hilarious and open to ridicule. This made me so paranoid that I thought anyone who was laughing or smirking near me was mocking me for ages. So one of my safety behaviours now is to always take a back pack that I can link my hand into so I dont swing my arms and look like a sasquatch. Yes, and I am going to keep using it as it stops me thinking I am going to get punched so F**k you therapists when you tell people to stop using safely behaviours.
Lots and lots of people who have social anxiety and are loners do have physical problems and deformities. Obviously much worse than mine so they are not maladaptive in their thinking at all. I read about a bald woman having chemotherapy for cancer who was punched in the face simply for having no hair. When she said why the thug apologised! He thought it was OK to punch a women for having no hair through choice but suddenly had regrets if it was for cancer! Thugs and lowlife are everywhere. Human history proves it. If you are different you stand out and are the subject for abuse, that’s where the very concept of racism comes from in the first place, just being different. It again makes me believe that many therapists are f**king clueless. At work I was a quiet miserable loner who did not speak to anyone and a nervous wreck so I was unpopular and disliked. Fact!
If I had said when i was 18 that I would never even go on date in my whole life and die a virgin they would have said this was just maladaptive thinking or maybe catastrophizing and yet here I am over well past 40 now and its all come true! Its the Reality! Then they will blame me for not doing the HARD WORK required but of course normal people dont do any of this hard work as its just normal life.
That was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream
I have never been abroad which is highly unusual for someone in the UK. My parents were obviously crackers and never took us many places when I was young although we did go on holiday on the East coast when I was in my teens for several years. But Skegness is hardly the same as the Caribbean. In fact I seldom left my own county apart from the yearly school day trips. I also never learnt to drive due to anxiety and so only really started travelling in the UK more when I got made redundant. I quite enjoyed it although anyone travelling on UK trains and buses can understand the expense and the often crappy service. Even so I could rarely travel further than the Midlands due to the time constrictions and arranging to get back in the same day. I remember going to Wales via 3 trains once just so I could say I had left England once in my life. I went once again on a coach trip with a family member but am unlikely now to ever get to anywhere more exciting.
I would have loved to have visited iconic places like Rome, Paris and America at least once in my lifetime if only for the photography opportunities. There are some locations that have always seemed magical since seeing them on TV as a child. Yosemite and Yellowstone in the US are two such places and also have amazing wildlife. Even though unlikely it would still have been an ultimate dream of mine to travel one day. Something to dream of and motivate me if ever I managed to make a recovery and attain anything like a normal life.
However even if I wanted to apply for a passport now in the UK its basically illegal for me to attain one as very shy or socially anxious people are not allowed out the country. Yes, its almost impossible for someone with extreme social anxiety to get a passport even if they wanted to one day travel aboard and chase their dreams. Thats because you must have someone countersign your application. These people must have known you for two or more years and they must also have a professional occupation. Oh they even said it cant be your own doctor any more although I think they used to allow this.
As I speak to no one for months and have virtually no other human contact its completely impossible. I have never even known people with professional level jobs in my life. Therefore the only way I could legally travel abroad is to find and deliberately befriend someone in a professional level job and then keep in contact with them for over two years before I could even apply, that’s if even if they agree to sign it. How the F**K does everyone else find it so easy to get a passport? Surely there must be some kind of scam going on. I am not sure if its just as hard to get a driving license as well but looking on their website it says you need a passport as proof or you then also need a signatory who knows you well so it would also be impossible for me to learn to drive even if I wanted to. Its strange how even the most simple and basis things are made impossible by anxiety yet are completely dismissed as excuses or irrelevant. As said before once on the bottom rung of life society keeps you there and does not allow you to recover. After all we dont want mental people going abroad or learning to drive! We already have enough of them in the house of commons!
So I try and go out every single day even if for just a short walk now. Exercise is good for mental health and all that. I now even try to look people in the eye as I pass. Making eye contact is essential and a first step to communicating and feeling more confident according to many self help sites and books on social anxiety. Actually its still very hard. In fact its getting harder. As I often get people look back at me quite negatively and aggressively then it just reaffirms that people hate being stared at in cities.( or hate me!) Perhaps I look like a serial killer myself and dont know it.
Attractive woman look at me the worst as if I am an old pervert and they are far too good for me which once again just confirms all negativity. Perhaps I need instructions on who I am allowed to look at without being arrested or thought of as a pervert. Therefore I am actually getting more paranoid and thinking that I was right all along. If I have to feel comfortable with this before I actually try talking to strangers I may be doing this for a very long time and still no better. I wonder if these therapists actually live in the real world. they give all this advice as if its all obvious and never give details even though they are speaking to socially inept people and those with mental illness, paranoia and depression. A bit like saying just make small talk and assuming you know 99% of what to say anyway.