Mental still but not schizophrenic

Olanzapine is generally not a first-choice medication for generalized anxiety disorder  (GAD), as it is an antipsychotic and has significant side effects, including weight gain and sedation. However, in some cases, it may be used as an off-label augmentation therapy for severe, treatment-resistant GAD that hasn’t responded to other treatments. ( But I have never had any other treatment for my anxiety)

I went back to the mental health doctor, a different one from last time. He gave me a new prescription for olanzapine but after just one tablet the next 2 days I felt like crap again so I have already stopped talking them. They are for schizophrenia anyway so of no use to me. They also make you eat like a pig and i ate 8 biscuits the next day even after normal meals. I have anxiety but am not quite delusional…yet. He was friendly enough and I told him about other problems but if all they can do is give you meds then there really is little help so again stop telling people that there is loads of help out there when there isn’t . The reviews of the health centre on google are absolutely woeful but it is in a quite a deprived area and falling apart like everything else. To top it all I have been having pain around my chest and heart but I am now reluctant to go back to my normal GP in case they think its all in my head. I am due to pay another visit to my friend on Thursday but I dont enjoy the visits like I used to as my current anxiety and state of mind make almost all small things much worse than they used to be and pleasure fleeting. If only I could go somewhere to find peace.

Daily Madness

Rose Cottage by Daniel Sherrin

I started watching hospital documentaries on TV but this has only started to make me feel sadder. Hardly surprising, really. Lots of people ill or dying is not very positive. I think the part of the brain that gets activated when people get OCD anxiety where they cant leave the house without checking everything 50 times like they are going away for years instead of hours is in me. I do that now but Its also like when I left the care home I was almost desperate to know the name of the painting(above) in the lounge and even the type of wallpaper in the dining room with some kind of motivational message on it as if it mattered and even found myself looking on their Facebook page to see. Its like a comfort but also irrational. Its like everything is a matter of life or death, even small things.

Likewise I see people on these hospital docs and feel almost desperate to know what happened to them afterwards and if they are still alive as if its personal when it isn’t. My sadness and emotions are far too extreme to live normally and I have not even taken the olanzapine tablets now for 3 months. I thought I was getting better but its all come back again. All these memories and feelings become obsessive when they should not really even be relevant to my life. I am due to see a mental health doctor a week on Friday but he was not very sympathetic the last time I went and just seemed to want me to admit that my illness was all in my head and not real. I simply dont know how some of these people get a job in mental health even if the NHS is desperate. I suspect all he will do is put me back on some meds if that. My motivation is so low now that I hardly want to go out anymore and have pretty much stopped photography altogether. The hot weather only makes this worse as I hate the heat.

Emotional Wreck

Getting hard to breathe
Hard to believe in anything at all
…….But fear

I was prescribed olanzapine to help with my anxiety before Christmas. Its used to treat the symptoms of schizophrenia which I dont think I have and the doctor never mentioned this at the time or how long I would need them. The problem is that they make me very sleepy. In fact I woke up a couple of times past midday. Almost too effective for insomnia then. I did not really see any other improvements with my anxiety and as I have had to get up early for several appointments I dont take them every day. However I think not taking them for a few days has triggered side effects similar to withdrawal symptoms and would account for my anxiety being worse, feeling far more emotional, almost desperate at times. I see sadness in almost everything at the moment. I read that some people get over this after 2 weeks but with some it could take years so its not a pleasant prospect. My last mental health assessment was cancelled and I have not been given another one yet so I dont know what to do. Become maybe dependant on olanzapine or try to stop entirely and hope the mood swings go away.