My emotional state has been somewhat different since coming out the care home at Christmas. I have not had olanzapine for 5 months either so it may just be general lunacy but when I am out and I see people, old or young I wonder what lives they have. Are they alone, did or will they find somebody to share things with, have children, live to an old age. everything. Its like looking down on humanity from above, as if I have already passed away like someone on Youtube with a near death experience video. Perhaps its just madness.
I think the worst part though is seeing younger people with friends but especially those in a relationship and happy and not only realizing that this was never me, well apart from the odd rare day and never with a girl, its also now far too late for any thing meaningful to happen. Career, relationship, family are now almost impossible. Then motivation collapses again and the almost yearning for this to end so all therapy is a waste of time.
The post I read on another anxiety forum the other day tried to use this as motivation to younger people to go out and not waste their lives and yet even if I was young again, I know staying in college and going to university would have been hell and I doubt I would have habituated fast enough to gain any real friends and certainly not female ones or a relationship. More likely I would have stayed a loner and struggled. Again this is not through cowardice as often claimed its just as much because as a weird loner at college or Uni you would be disliked and so ostracised just like school whereas all the normal and popular kids hung out together. Even with my current mind if I went back in time I would still not have the motivation to seize the day or do anything differently and almost certainly I would still have found it impossible to have a relationship even if you put me back in the body of a 21 year old Brad Pit. In fact if I knew then what I know now I may well have slit my wrist far earlier but with more success.
Death by Shyness 