Speaking to someone

I spoke to somebody yesterday. Yes its rare I know. It was the son of one of the old ladies from the care home I was in last autumn. I knew he used to visit his mother every afternoon but had not seen him since I left until the other day and then again yesterday saw him sitting on a bench around the corner. The home is only 5 minutes away. Thankfully his mother is still alive but sadly one of the three old ladies has passed away and the other, the one I had to stop from getting up every night and falling over, she had been moved to a different home by her son, hopefully a better one.

However the care home sounded like it had even gotten worse over the last 8 months with new management and several of the staff leaving. I was lucky in that as I was still mobile so was able to go home every day but if I was there 24/7 with nothing to do but watch daytime TV I would have gone insane(yes, even more than I am now.) I remember the toilets with urine all over the floor, once sitting on a chair covered in someone’s urine as they had wet themselves and one toilet with ivy actually growing in an open window even though it was December. The night staff who were simply glorified cleaners and had little interest in looking after the older residents. I dread getting ill again and having to go back to such a place. Yet they charged £700-1000 a week per person. Many elderly people forced to sell their houses to pay for such care. Yet the elderly population is growing rapidly and the money for social care getting less every year. Perhaps we are entering a new dark age and one day soon we will have people pushing carts walking the streets shouting “Bring out your dead!”

Today is a public holiday in the UK. the last one before Christmas. Its warm and sunny but such days only depress me as everywhere is crowded and remind me of my youth when all such holidays were also spent in my bedroom alone. A weird loner when young sometimes becomes a weird loner as adult. It simply must all be my own fault for not DOING THE HARD WORK REQUIRED TO CHANGE! I still think much of social anxiety treatment to be written by delusional morons. Of course I have some regrets now but the worst thing is you still have the mental capacity and emotions to imagine true love and what it would be like to be with someone but know its now too late to ever actually experience it. So what’s the point?

More Random Crap

My emotional state has been somewhat different since coming out the care home at Christmas. I have not had olanzapine for 5 months either so it may just be general lunacy but when I am out and I see people, old or young I wonder what lives they have. Are they alone, did or will they find somebody to share things with, have children, live to an old age. everything. Its like looking down on humanity from above, as if I have already passed away like someone on Youtube with a near death experience video. Perhaps its just madness.

I think the worst part though is seeing younger people with friends but especially those in a relationship and happy and not only realizing that this was never me, well apart from the odd rare day and never with a girl, its also now far too late for any thing meaningful to happen. Career, relationship, family are now almost impossible. Then motivation collapses again and the almost yearning for this to end so all therapy is a waste of time.

The post I read on another anxiety forum the other day tried to use this as motivation to younger people to go out and not waste their lives and yet even if I was young again, I know staying in college and going to university would have been hell and I doubt I would have habituated fast enough to gain any real friends and certainly not female ones or a relationship. More likely I would have stayed a loner and struggled. Again this is not through cowardice as often claimed its just as much because as a weird loner at college or Uni you would be disliked and so ostracised just like school whereas all the normal and popular kids hung out together. Even with my current mind if I went back in time I would still not have the motivation to seize the day or do anything differently and almost certainly I would still have found it impossible to have a relationship even if you put me back in the body of a 21 year old Brad Pit. In fact if I knew then what I know now I may well have slit my wrist far earlier but with more success.

Friday again

I almost posted on an anxiety/depression forum yesterday. No. not that awful social anxiety one I used to be a member of. I saw a post I could relate to as someone was about the same age and due to anxiety had never done the normal things of life like marry, have relationships, get a proper job or have friends, etc.

But then I looked in other posts and as usual its full of bitter, angry people and even some annoying posts. Which is the reason why of course many support forums dont actually support very well. You often need someone who is level headed and with good advice, not another mad person. Using some forums for help is rather like going to the local mental asylum rather than a qualified therapist or doctor. You just come across more mad or bitter and angry people so its of no help at all. Some of the posts almost guilt trip you for not being positive and getting out there despite the fact that many people are depressed. The age factor is also important and once people realise that you are past a certain age want nothing more to do with you.

My mental health has gotten worse since my suicide attempt last year, not better and I dont go out much any more. It was not a second chance at life or a way to put things right. More like a return to pain and misery. I am due to see a mental health doctor again next month but they cant really help and have not done much so far. I have not even heard about the Olanzapine he was supposed to be prescribing me weeks ago. Like I have always said if your problems are so far gone past a certain age then there is very little people can do.

Still it would be nice to find some local people to go on meetups with and befriend although in reality that is probably no more likely than wining the lottery. Mad people may be too mad to get on with but then If they were normal they probbaly would not like me either.