An Acceptable Level of Madness

I got back yesterday from the latest visit to my friend. Overall it was good despite more crap weather and my strange mood swings. I am due to visit the madness doctor again on friday but obviously that’s a complete waste of time as his only help is for me to take meds for schizophrenia which I dont have. I went past the care home today on the way to Tesco and saw a woman who used to work there and was usually quite friendly to me but she was pushing a man in a wheelchair and I convinced myself that she started to attend to the man in the chair as she had already seen me and did not want to speak to me so was simply pretending to be busy. Paranoia or the undeniable truth. I say this as I spoke to her once last March simply to be friendly and ask how some of the residents were but she seemed to want to go then almost like I was a nuisance. The simple things like this hurt. I wrote this over 10 years ago about another situation but saw it again today and it still opens up old wounds and i thought it somewhat similar.

“I tried to answer her but that oh so familiar awkwardness awakened and I almost sighed and walked off. It’s the reaction on others faces that hurts so much when they realise that you are not quite normal but they still try and be polite although at the same time try to move away.“

The never ending cure for social anxiety and depression it seems in anxiety books and self help sites is to tell people to make contact and try to talk to others as much as possible and yet there are simply so many instances of feeling like a weird loner and disliked when you do try. Like I have said many times before you have to be normal enough in the first place to even be accepted, BECAUSE EVEN MOST NORMAL PEOPLE ARE IN REALITY QUITE JUDGMENTAL BASTARDS!

Speaking to someone

I spoke to somebody yesterday. Yes its rare I know. It was the son of one of the old ladies from the care home I was in last autumn. I knew he used to visit his mother every afternoon but had not seen him since I left until the other day and then again yesterday saw him sitting on a bench around the corner. The home is only 5 minutes away. Thankfully his mother is still alive but sadly one of the three old ladies has passed away and the other, the one I had to stop from getting up every night and falling over, she had been moved to a different home by her son, hopefully a better one.

However the care home sounded like it had even gotten worse over the last 8 months with new management and several of the staff leaving. I was lucky in that as I was still mobile so was able to go home every day but if I was there 24/7 with nothing to do but watch daytime TV I would have gone insane(yes, even more than I am now.) I remember the toilets with urine all over the floor, once sitting on a chair covered in someone’s urine as they had wet themselves and one toilet with ivy actually growing in an open window even though it was December. The night staff who were simply glorified cleaners and had little interest in looking after the older residents. I dread getting ill again and having to go back to such a place. Yet they charged £700-1000 a week per person. Many elderly people forced to sell their houses to pay for such care. Yet the elderly population is growing rapidly and the money for social care getting less every year. Perhaps we are entering a new dark age and one day soon we will have people pushing carts walking the streets shouting “Bring out your dead!”

Today is a public holiday in the UK. the last one before Christmas. Its warm and sunny but such days only depress me as everywhere is crowded and remind me of my youth when all such holidays were also spent in my bedroom alone. A weird loner when young sometimes becomes a weird loner as adult. It simply must all be my own fault for not DOING THE HARD WORK REQUIRED TO CHANGE! I still think much of social anxiety treatment to be written by delusional morons. Of course I have some regrets now but the worst thing is you still have the mental capacity and emotions to imagine true love and what it would be like to be with someone but know its now too late to ever actually experience it. So what’s the point?

More Random Crap

My emotional state has been somewhat different since coming out the care home at Christmas. I have not had olanzapine for 5 months either so it may just be general lunacy but when I am out and I see people, old or young I wonder what lives they have. Are they alone, did or will they find somebody to share things with, have children, live to an old age. everything. Its like looking down on humanity from above, as if I have already passed away like someone on Youtube with a near death experience video. Perhaps its just madness.

I think the worst part though is seeing younger people with friends but especially those in a relationship and happy and not only realizing that this was never me, well apart from the odd rare day and never with a girl, its also now far too late for any thing meaningful to happen. Career, relationship, family are now almost impossible. Then motivation collapses again and the almost yearning for this to end so all therapy is a waste of time.

The post I read on another anxiety forum the other day tried to use this as motivation to younger people to go out and not waste their lives and yet even if I was young again, I know staying in college and going to university would have been hell and I doubt I would have habituated fast enough to gain any real friends and certainly not female ones or a relationship. More likely I would have stayed a loner and struggled. Again this is not through cowardice as often claimed its just as much because as a weird loner at college or Uni you would be disliked and so ostracised just like school whereas all the normal and popular kids hung out together. Even with my current mind if I went back in time I would still not have the motivation to seize the day or do anything differently and almost certainly I would still have found it impossible to have a relationship even if you put me back in the body of a 21 year old Brad Pit. In fact if I knew then what I know now I may well have slit my wrist far earlier but with more success.

Friday again

I almost posted on an anxiety/depression forum yesterday. No. not that awful social anxiety one I used to be a member of. I saw a post I could relate to as someone was about the same age and due to anxiety had never done the normal things of life like marry, have relationships, get a proper job or have friends, etc.

But then I looked in other posts and as usual its full of bitter, angry people and even some annoying posts. Which is the reason why of course many support forums dont actually support very well. You often need someone who is level headed and with good advice, not another mad person. Using some forums for help is rather like going to the local mental asylum rather than a qualified therapist or doctor. You just come across more mad or bitter and angry people so its of no help at all. Some of the posts almost guilt trip you for not being positive and getting out there despite the fact that many people are depressed. The age factor is also important and once people realise that you are past a certain age want nothing more to do with you.

My mental health has gotten worse since my suicide attempt last year, not better and I dont go out much any more. It was not a second chance at life or a way to put things right. More like a return to pain and misery. I am due to see a mental health doctor again next month but they cant really help and have not done much so far. I have not even heard about the Olanzapine he was supposed to be prescribing me weeks ago. Like I have always said if your problems are so far gone past a certain age then there is very little people can do.

Still it would be nice to find some local people to go on meetups with and befriend although in reality that is probably no more likely than wining the lottery. Mad people may be too mad to get on with but then If they were normal they probbaly would not like me either.

Tuesday Physio Session

The last physio session today before I go away for a week. Its strange being with several strangers. They seem nice but its hard to make any small talk although a couple of them do and talk about imminent holidays. In fact it was easier just with the physio woman before group sessions but that’s probably normal. I dont of course have a particularly normal life to talk about anyway and feel somewhat conscious that my wounds are self inflicted so dont want to bring it up. Still I wonder what will happen to them and what their lives are like as some people leave every week as they have had their 6 sessions and I will never see them again. I do not like the walk there as its through a bad area and past the cemetery. It takes 40 minutes and as today was quite hot I was already quite sweaty before I got there. They also make us coat our hands in hot wax before we start and then we peel it off as it hardens and before we start exercises. I dont know what good it does but it feels nice.

As I walk through the busy hospital I sometimes feel quite envious of many of the younger members of the staff here. They have a career and seem driven, they know what they want to do with their lives and the medical profession is very worthy. By contrast I was completely clueless at that age and ended up in a menial warehouse job for years and unhappy. Having parents who did not give a damn or offer any help or advice sort of does that to you. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and do it again but still dont know what I would choose as a career. Maybe if I had stayed at college and gone on to university I would have found some meaning. I think something that helps other people would have been more fulfilling. I am still feeling quite emotional so hope being with my friend for a week may help, better than being alone anyway.

Overwhelmed by Sadness

It was warm and sunny at the weekend so I went to the cemetery as its a peaceful place and has some spring flowers. I have to be careful as I spent a lot of time here during covid lockdowns so it can trigger negative emotions at times but there are not many places to go for an afternoon walk nearby and I get a strong urge to go out on sunny days as my anxiety is worse when I stay inside too long. I am still having problems with my emotions and feel overwhelming sadness a lot of the time. I still think its connected to the care home I was in for 2 months. Its like the feelings you get if you watch a particularly emotional movie but I feel this over almost everything. Despite the fact I was often bored witless while in the place I cant stop thinking about it and how some of the residents are coping especially the older ones and how much time they have left. Its maybe made worse in that its so close and only a 5 minute walk away from my house so I often see it. I remember all the little things like the painting of a cottage garden in the lounge I saw every day and the wallpaper in the dining room with motivational messages as I waited for lunch. In reality apart from meal times and TV there was little else to do so its hardly a case of missing it or wanting to go back there.

I cant get over the thought that we simply fade away and vanish into maybe nothing with all those memories gone forever. It somehow makes almost everything you do and any conversation more meaningful. When you see people that old who are basically simply waiting for the end the meaning of life and everything including all the little things you do in your lifetime even the odd nice conversation becomes more profound. My sadness is probably heightened by the total disaster of my own life with no relationships or family to leave behind so nothing meaningful ever happened and now its too late. Maybe its simply that I felt better being around people in the home rather than being alone. Maybe there was some comfort in feeling safe and looked after as I did not have to do anything. I dont really know. Perhaps I need therapy. I sometimes wonder if it was worth surviving last October if there is nothing left to live for and so little happiness in being alive. Watching the TV is not enough although I will still visit my only friend occasionally. The doctor gave me anxiety medication but all it does is make me sleepy. It certainly does not stop my anxiety.